Nathalia Buttface and the Most Epically Embarrassing Trip Ever. Nigel Smith
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This is all Bagley’s fault, she thought. He’s ruined my perfect plan.
Then Darius did something strange. He threw the keys to the Atomic Dustbin on the path just behind Dad. “You’ve dropped the keys,” he said.
“Thanks,” said Dad, bending right over to pick them up. Bernadette made a strangled sort of being-sick noise and turned her back to them, sharpish.
At that moment, Darius shoved the Dog’s empty bed sheets into the cage and thrust the actual Dog at Nat, whispering: “Hide him.”
Inside the cage all you could see was the bundle of washing. As far as anyone could tell, the Dog could still have been wrapped up in it. He wasn’t, of course; because by now Nat was stuffing him under the table in the van and giving him one of Dad’s socks to chew quietly.
By the time Dad had straightened up again and Bernadette had opened her eyes, she had had quite enough of this weird family and quickly finished off the paperwork, locking the cage door without really looking and shooing them all off her property.
Nat was in the back of the van when Dad and Darius returned. “Sorry, love,” said Dad. “It’s for the best.”
Nat nodded. Under the table, covered in tea towels, was the Dog. He probably nodded too.
Nat didn’t speak to Darius again until it was dark and they were nearly at the ferry terminal. “Anyway, well done. My plan was better, though …” she finally muttered.
Darius didn’t say anything because he was trying to stretch a bogey longer than anyone had ever stretched a bogey before. The Dog didn’t say anything because he was rather hoping to eat the bogey.
“You just got lucky,” Nat went on. “Even my dad’s plans are better than yours and he’s a moron.”
At that moment Dad slammed on the handbrake. He turned round. “Probably should have thought of this before,” he said, with a sort of laugh, “but, um, you HAVE got your passport with you, haven’t you, Darius?”
Darius’s face was blank. His bogey snapped and slapped on the table.
“Told you so,” said Nat.
“So, according to Oswald,” Dad said, “you’ve never even HAD a passport. Oswald said something about not believing in them. He thinks people should be able to go where and do whatever they want and everyone else can go and get, er –” Dad paused – “get lost, was the general idea. At least I think that’s what he said, because there was some kind of explosion taking place nearby.”
“That’ll be the Grannies,” said Darius.
“Why, do their songs sound like explosions?” asked Nat.
“No,” said Darius, “they just like blowing things up.”
“Right,” said Dad. “Anyway, I asked how you’d have got into Norway with them without a passport. He said you just fitted nicely inside a big amplifier.”
“Yeah, I do,” said Darius.
“Interesting.” Dad paused for a few seconds, sucking on a mint. “So I suppose you could fit inside a …” Dad looked around for something to hide Darius in.
“Dad, you can’t!” shouted Nat, realising with horror what Dad was thinking of doing. “We have to go back NOW. Smuggling a dog is one thing, but smuggling people is really bad. I saw a documentary on it. On Blue Peter.”
“Smuggling a dog?” said Dad. “What dog?”
Nat put her hand over her mouth, but it was too late. Then the Dog, who’d been quiet long enough, gave a short bark as if to say, “THIS dog, stupid.”
“Blooming heck, love, you’ll get us shot,” said Dad mildly. “There’s all sorts of laws about taking dogs out of the country.”
“Dogs AND PEOPLE!” shouted Nat, attracting the attention of one of the men in the yellow jackets, who glanced over at the van. She lowered her voice. “We’ll all go to prison and I don’t care what Nan says, I don’t think prisons are very nice.”
Bad News Nan always said that when she got REALLY old, instead of going into a cheapo old people’s home, she was going to rob a post office and with a bit of luck she’d get sent to prison. She said the food was better in the nick, there were bigger TVs and the people inside were more interesting. She also said she couldn’t lose because if she got away with the post office hold-up then she’d be rich enough to afford a nice old people’s home with huge TVs and endless Hobnobs.
This made Nat very nervous every time she went to the post office with her. She’d always try and sneak a look inside Nan’s handbag just in case she was hiding a black balaclava and some kind of offensive weapon. Luckily, up till now, the only offensive thing Nat had found in Nan’s handbag were her teeth.
“Well, let’s be sensible,” said Dad. These words always terrified Nat. Dad’s version of sensible was NOT anyone else’s. “It takes weeks to get a passport, and it would involve loads of important paperwork that we’d need to find at Darius’s house, and I don’t think Oswald is a paperwork kind of person.”
“That’s true,” said Darius. “He’s more of a setting-fire-to-paperwork kind of person.”
Nat knew this to be true. Oswald liked setting fire to Darius’s school books, for instance.
“So,” said Dad, “given I’ve paid for these ferry tickets now, the sensible thing to do is carry on.”
“That’s not sensible, Dad,” she yelled, “that’s ILLEGAL AND WRONG!”
But Dad had already disappeared into the back of the van and was rummaging through the junk. He eventually reappeared with a great big picnic basket.
“Oh right,” said Nat, “let’s all have a ham sandwich and a pork pie. That’ll make it better.” Dad ignored her and started chucking out all the crockery. When it was empty, he eyed up Darius. “In you get, lad,” he said. “It’s literally the only option.”
“It literally is not the only option, Dad,” argued Nat, as Darius clambered in. “It’s literally the most terrible of all the options you could choose.”
“Except swimming across the channel,” said Darius from inside the hamper. “That’s a more terrible option.”
“Don’t give him ideas,” said Nat, watching Dad’s face as he thought about it.
“Can you squeeze the Dog in with you?” asked Dad, chucking it at Darius regardless.
“Just about,” said Darius.
And with that, Dad got back in the driver’s seat. The ferry had begun to load and cars were moving. “Just don’t make a noise,” Dad shouted over the noise of the engine.
“OK, but the Dog’s breath really smells,” said Darius.
Nat broke into a proper cold sweat when they drove up to the customs window and Dad handed over their two passports. You’ve really done it this time, Dad, she thought. Visiting your dad in prison