A Cure for All Diseases. Reginald Hill
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Then there was one. Or at least the car shuddered.
For a moment this felt like a delayed confirmation of our worst fears.
But that didnt make sense. You cant run over someone after youve stopped!
Even as I reached this logical conclusion – a broad-domed almost bald head began to rise like a full moon over the horizon of the bonnet – & I realized that the shudder had been caused by the man gripping the front of the car to pull himself up.
He leaned on the bonnet. Heavily. There was enough of him to suggest that – if there had been a bump – it would have been a big one!
He stared at us unblinkingly – out of the kind of face movie animators dream up for ogres.
His mouth twisted in a snarl – & he spoke.
It took a moment to register that in fact the snarl was a smile – & the words he spoke werent a threat – but a greeting.
He said – how do folks – what fettle? –
Now he moved round the side of the car. He walked slowly – like a bear that would have preferred to be on all fours – rather than upright. He gave Tom & Mary – still paralysed by the shock – a friendly nod in passing. Then he took hold of the rear door – & pulled it open – & looked in at me.
– how do lass – he said – heading for the village? –
I nodded – not trusting myself to speak.
– grand – he said – room for a little un? –
& – without waiting for an answer – he pulled himself in alongside me.
Up to this point – Id thought he was wearing a garishly striped summer shirt & a casual woollen jacket – but now I saw him clearly – & I thought – oh shit!
He was dressed in pyjamas & a dressing gown. On his left foot was a leather slipper. His right foot was bare. There were leaves clinging to him & thorns sticking into him. His face bled through a few light scratches.
But looking at him more closely – as I had no choice but to do – I realized hed suffered more physical damage than could be explained merely by pushing through a hedge – & rolling down the bank into the road.
There was a lot of him – but a kind of pallor & the looseness of the skin on that broad face suggested that there used to be a lot more. Your nurses eye would probably have done a full diagnosis in half a sec – but even I could see enough to work out hed recently been very ill.
An escaped loony – I thought! Then I recalled the gate-mans phone call. This had to be the convie whod gone missing – a bit of a relief – though not much!
He said – youll know me again luv –
I realized Id been staring.
I said – yes – sorry – hello – Im Charlotte Heywood –
Automatically I offered my hand. Good manners never hurt anyone – remember dad drumming that into us? Then hed head out across the fields – to chase some daft bugger off his land – with his shot gun!
The escaped convie took it – & held it in a surprisingly gentle grip.
– glad to meet you – he said – Andy Deal –
– Tom Parker. My wife Mary – said Tom – are you all right? –
– grand – he replied – nifty bit of driving that luv. Lot of women I know would have run me over – while they were still looking for the brake –
Somehow it came out as a genuine compliment.
Mary – reassured – gave him a smile & started the car again.
I realized the man was still holding my hand. He peered into my face & said – Heywood – thas not one of Stompy Heywoods brood out at Willingden – are you? –
– Steve Heywoods my father – I said – but Ive never heard him called Stompy –
– thats likely cos tha never got in his way at the bottom of a loose scrum. Aye – I thought I could see a likeness –
Being told I resembled dad wasnt the biggest compliment Id ever had! I dont – do I? Answer yes – & Ill publish details of your steamy affair all over the internet!
I snatched my hand free – & gave him a glower – & he grinned as if this confirmed his identification.
Ahead of us a banner stretched high across the road – & inscribed Welcome to Sandytown – Home of the Healthy Holiday – told us we were now entering the village. Except it wasnt a village – more a small town. Usually when you go back to places you recall as a kid – everything seems to have shrunk – could impress you with the physiological explanation for this phenomenon – but I wont! Sandytown was different – very much bigger than I recalled – looking prosperous too – our route took us past several shops – a small supermarket doing good business – an art & craft gallery – a working pottery – a jolly café – a Thai takeaway – & a sea food restaurant called Mobys!
The cobbled streets were clean & litter-free – the buildings freshly painted & well kept. Distantly I could see bathers sporting in the dark blue waves of the sea – & holidaymakers taking thier ease in deck chairs set on the golden sand. Posters everywhere showing an outline map of Yorkshire – with a big cross on the coast – & the legend – SANDYTOWN IS OUR TOWN – LETS PUT IT ON THE MAP! – while across the main street hung a banner reading FESTIVAL OF HEALTH – August Bank Holiday.
Maybe the Headbanger didnt bring us here at all – but found some run-down shanty town to put us off family trips forever!
Tom Parker – clearly delighted at these signs of activity – gave a running commentary on each individual attraction – & occasionally leant out of the open window to greet pedestrians – as Mary drove us slowly along.
– right luv – this ull do me – said Mr Deal suddenly.
I looked out & saw an old freshly whitewashed building displaying a sign which read The Hope & Anchor – licensee A. Hollis. One of the pig family? – I wondered. Mary pulled in. Deal leaned forward & said – Thanks for the lift luv. Sorry if I scared you back there. Lost me footing. Lost me bloody slipper too. Not to worry. I dont doubt Prince bloody Charming ull come looking for me. Tom – tha seems to be a local lad in good standing. I daresay tha gets on well with them up at the Avalon? –
– yes indeed – said Tom – I know Dr Feldenhammer very well – often visit –
Wrong answer – I thought. You cant survive as a student for 3 years without getting a nose for a touch!
– grand. Thing is – Im staying up there for a couple of nights – & I seem to have come out without me wallet. So if you could sub me a fiver – better still 10 – Ill leave it with old Fester for you to collect next time you call in – right? –
It would have taken a lot harder man than Tom Parker to refuse.
The money was passed over – 20 in the end I noticed – & Mr Deal got out.
He turned & said – thanks for the lift – missus – & for the loan – Tom –
For the first time Tom Parker got a real look at him – full length – standing by the open door – in his pyjamas – with one bare foot. It was clearly a shock – & I think that inside he was bidding a fond farewell to his 20 quid – but he still managed that beaming smile as he said – our pleasure – our very great pleasure – goodbye –
Now the man turned his gaze on me.
– bye luv – he said – remember me to your dad –
– bye Mr Deal –