25 July

      This has been the hardest working week in recent memory. Two of my kids have been in trouble with the law while another took an overdose. I spent all of last night in A&E with her, lobbying furiously to get her a place in an adolescent mental health unit. We got a bed in the end, but I feel like I’ve fought through every one of the seven labours of Hercules.

      Then I’ve been at work all day, having to write reports. School holidays have started so the kids are kicking their heels, hanging around the centre demanding to be stimulated and fed and all the rest. I felt guilty about neglecting them to get the reports done, but I have a looming deadline and just had to leave them to play table-tennis and mess around on the DJ decks while I sat in the office with the door wedged open. Luckily Grant, my student assistant, turned up mid-afternoon and was able to keep more of an eye on them.

      He offered to run the evening session to give me a break, but I feel like I should be there. There are some volatile relationships, especially among the older boys, and I worry that something will kick off in my absence.

      So I nipped off at five, visited Jessie in the mental health unit (she seemed quite calm) and went home to grab a quick bite to eat before going back for the evening session.

      ‘You’re going back?’ Dan wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear it. ‘You look dead on your feet, love. Can’t someone else do it? Reva?’

      ‘She’s on holiday.’

      I was too tired to even think about what I wanted to eat and just sank down on a dining chair, my head spinning.

      ‘What about that student bloke? Student Grant?’

      ‘Oh, he’s not experienced enough.’

      ‘I thought you said he used to be in the army and he’s thirty-eight years old.’

      ‘Yeah, but square-bashing and teen wrangling aren’t exactly the same thing …’

      ‘Whatever. He’s more than capable of overseeing a bit of disco dancing. Go on, call him and see if he’s free.’

      ‘He is. He offered to do it but …’

      ‘Well, there you are then. Problem solved. Call him.’

      ‘I’ll just worry …’

      Dan snatched the phone from its cradle and thrust it at me.

      ‘Do it,’ he said. ‘And then you’re going to bed.’

      Oh, God. I suddenly realised. He was doing what I’d hinted I wanted him to do. He was taking control when I wasn’t able to do it for myself. But now he was doing it, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to! I just wanted to whine and make excuses and argue him into giving in. But then I would get a horrible evening trying to run a teen disco on no hours’ sleep while he stewed here, feeling pissed off and unlistened to.

      When it came down to it, he was right.

      ‘OK,’ I said, and with that I was liberated. Everything was taken off my shoulders and I could float into deep peace and relaxation.

      I called Grant, who readily agreed to run the disco. He would have helped out anyway, having seen how pale and lacklustre I’d been earlier. He thought I needed a night off.

      ‘Have you been talking to my husband?’ I asked, suspicious, but he just laughed and said he’d see me tomorrow.

      Dan smiled encouragingly at me as I hit the ‘end call’ button.

      ‘See. Not that hard, was it? What do you want to eat? What did you have for lunch?’

      ‘Oh.’ I thought vaguely about the lunch hour, then remembered that I’d worked right through it, with some half-formed intention of popping across to the little newsagent over the road later and getting a plastic-wrapped sandwich. Later had never come around. ‘I forgot.’

      The look he gave me made me bite my lip. It would have turned me on if I hadn’t been too tired to even remember what sex was. As it went, I just hung my head and said, ‘I meant to, but I had reports …’

      ‘We talked about this before, didn’t we?’ he said. ‘After you fainted that time. I seem to remember you promising me you’d take better care of yourself.’

      ‘It was just this once,’ I said, but then I remembered that that was a lie. ‘A few times,’ I amended. ‘Not often. Look, I get busy, you know I do.’ My tone had switched from sheepish to querulous. It wasn’t fair that I should be in trouble for working too hard.

      Despite the fact that I fantasised about Dan taking control in this way, now he was doing it, I felt my long-buried rebellious schoolgirl making her presence known. It seemed like the default response – sniping and arguing.

      I wanted him to stand firm, and yet I also wanted to win.

      It was all too confusing and, in the end, my tiredness made the decision for me.

      ‘We’re going to discuss that in the morning,’ he said. ‘But for now – bed. Go on. No arguments. I’ll bring you some supper on a tray.’

      I nodded, my eyes half-shut already, and drifted across the kitchen. He caught me halfway and held me close, kissing me goodnight. I wanted to sleep there, in his arms, but he sent me on my way with a pat on my bottom.

      I think it could be a taste of things to come.