All a Man Is. Janice Johnson Kay
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harsh. “Damn it, Julia! I didn’t know you were still thinking like this. If you’d taken the kids and gone back to Minnesota, I’d have gotten hired as police chief there whether you liked it or not. I’d have followed you.”
“Because you think that’s what Josh would expect.”
Now she really couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“No,” he said finally, calmly.
It was her turn to stare. Was he implying...? But he couldn’t be.
“I used to lump you and Josh together, in a way,” she heard herself say.
A flicker of some emotion passed through his eyes. “Except that you were married to Josh,” he said after a moment.
She flapped her hand. “You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t.”
“I thought you were both addicted to taking risks. That you’d chosen the careers you did because parachuting in the dark under gunfire or kicking in a drug dealer’s door gave you the ultimate high.”
His jaw bunched. “You mean, you thought we were a pair of adolescents.”
Julia bowed her head, unable to hold that intense gaze. “Not quite, but...I suppose I believed there was an element of that in both of you.”
“Did Josh know you felt that way?”
“Yes,” she said softly, trying not to remember that last, terrible fight and the things she’d said. She had to live forever with that memory, but she didn’t have to tell anyone else about the end of her marriage.
“It didn’t occur to you there was any idealism in our career choices?” Alec asked. “To you, we were just a couple of cowboys out for a good time?”
“I said an element!” she shot back, shaken to realize he was angry. “I understood how dedicated Josh was. And you, too. I just—” She couldn’t go on.
“What, Julia?” he asked inexorably.
She shook her head.
To her shock, he laid his hand over hers. “Tell me,” he said, his voice gentler.
“I started to resent it.” Not wanting to see his expression, she looked at his hand, so much larger than hers, broader across, at the thickness of his wrist and the dark hairs dusting his forearm. “At home, all he did was kill time. I could tell he was waiting for a mission, for his real life. The kids loved him, but he was more like a playmate than a father.” Finally she lifted her gaze to meet his dark eyes. “Don’t get me wrong. I was proud of him. Somebody has to do the job he did. He worked hard to do it well. He was courageous. I know that.” Her voice broke and she had to take a moment to collect herself. “But I came to realize we weren’t nearly as important to him as that job was. And call me petty, but the day came when I resented having to be a single parent while he was always off saving the world.”
She saw understanding on Alec’s face, but also something more indefinable. He removed his hand, and she saw his fingers curl into fists on the tabletop.
“So that’s why you were so shocked when I suggested we all move together.” He sounded careful, as if he wanted to be sure he understood how she saw him.
“Yes!” She glared. “Do you blame me?”
Again those muscles gathered in his jaw, before he moved his shoulders and the tension visibly drained from him. “No, I guess I can’t. I thought we knew each other better than that, but I realize Josh couldn’t talk about what he did, and it never crossed my mind that you were very interested in what I did all day.”
“Of course I’m interested.”
One corner of his mouth turned up in a half smile that didn’t touch his eyes. “Then I’ll start talking. To tell you the truth, there are times I’d like nothing better than being able to lay ideas out or vent to someone who doesn’t have a horse in the race.”
“Unbiased.”
He dipped his head without taking his gaze from her. “Yeah.”
“Then I won’t do.” She felt her smile wobble. “Because I am biased. I’m on your side.”
“God, Julia.” His voice was hoarse, his emotions momentarily unguarded.
Her heartbeat did some wobbling, too.
The waitress appeared with their entrées, probably a fortunate interruption. Julia noticed that Noah Chandler and his fiancée were leaving, Noah pausing only to nod at Alec, who did the same. She wondered what they’d conveyed with that very restrained exchange.
“Men don’t always understand what women need,” Alec murmured, momentarily confusing her. Then she saw the amusement that lightened the depth of emotion they’d both been feeling.
“I have noticed,” she responded.
He laughed, although she sensed he might be forcing it. “When you need something from me, tell me. Otherwise, I won’t know.”
Your heart. I need you to love me.
He would tell her he did. Like a sister.
“Anything,” he added, sounding husky.
They looked at each other for an uninterrupted stretch that had warmth rising in her cheeks as she wondered crazily what he meant.
Anything.
“I never suspected,” he said after a moment.
“Suspected what?” She didn’t sound quite like herself, but if he noticed he gave no indication.
“I assumed you and Josh were completely happy.”
“Don’t you think any marriage has tensions?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never tried it.”
“Why not?” she asked. “Have you ever come close?”
He shook his head. “I love my parents, but I wouldn’t want what they have.”
She nodded her understanding. Norman Raynor was a tense, rigid, demanding man who both dominated and dismissed his wife. Even Josh, not often given to self-reflection, had talked some about his father’s expectations for his boys and his contempt for women. At the time, Julia had thought to be grateful that Alec and Josh didn’t have a sister. She had blamed Norm for his sons’ choice of careers, too; he had been a firefighter who thought men should be men. Mostly he and Rosaria had been great with the kids, but Julia hadn’t been enthusiastic about her children spending a lot of time with their grandfather as they got older and more conscious of things like gender roles.
“I feel sorry for your mother.”
“She made her bed.” Apparently realizing how harsh that sounded, Alec shook his head. “I don’t mean that. No matter how bad the marriage is, she’d never leave him. If nothing else, her faith wouldn’t let her. But it’s more than that. I’m not sure she even notices how he treats her anymore. I remember from when I was little how happy she was. Laughing and singing all the time.” His mouth crooked up and his expression softened. “Good smells from the kitchen, fresh flowers from her garden on the table, an Italian tenor bellowing from the stereo.” He grimaced. “Of course, the music went off when Dad walked in the door, and if Mama was lucky, he’d grunt his appreciation for amazing food. The change in her was gradual. She’d listen to music less and less often, smile less. By the time Josh and I were in high school, she’d lost any gift for happiness. I don’t know if she’d recover it even if he dropped dead of a heart attack tomorrow.”
Julia couldn’t help herself. She touched him, only fleetingly, her fingertips to the back of his hand, but it was enough to draw a startled, somehow riveted stare from him.
“Were their feelings hurt that we moved away?” she asked, as much to distract