Expectations. Brenda Novak
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asked.
Jenna almost nodded before she pictured Adam counting back the months—and wondering why the hell she’d slept with her ex after their divorce was final. Rape by someone she’d lived with for years wasn’t an easy thing to explain, and she had no intention of trying. She was enough of a pity case already.
“No,” she said. “I met the guy not long after Dennis and I split up. It was…just a one-night stand. It didn’t mean anything.”
Adam’s brows drew close. “You had unprotected sex with a stranger?”
Jenna raised her chin. “I didn’t exactly plan it, all right? It’s not like I carry something in my purse, hoping to get lucky. Are you saying you’ve never done anything like that?”
“No, I haven’t.” His steadfast gaze was difficult to meet, making Jenna wonder if the truth wouldn’t have been less painful, after all.
“Besides, even if I took a different woman to bed every night, it wouldn’t be the same,” he added.
“Oh, yeah? Interesting you think so.” Jenna heard her voice rise and carefully lowered it so she wouldn’t wake Ryan, grateful for the anger that surged through her body, because it replaced humiliation and embarrassment. “Maybe you’ll enlighten me. I’ve always wanted to hear the rationale behind the old double standard.”
“I don’t have an eight-year-old son to explain this to, and I don’t have a deranged ex who’s going to go ballistic as soon as he learns.”
“No, you don’t have either of those because your precious practice and your own personal success are more important.” She forgot about trying to cover herself and clenched her hands at her sides. “Your responsible-parent act is convincing, but the truth is, you can’t even imagine what it’s like to look at the child you helped create and know that regardless of all the other shit that happens in your life, you’ve done one thing right. Because you’re too scared to love that much.” She tossed the pregnancy test on her dresser and flounced into bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin. “Now, if you’ll go, I need to get some sleep.”
He stared at her, eyes narrowed, and Jenna was afraid he’d make a rejoinder. She prayed he’d leave her in peace. Her strength was ebbing, and the nausea, the worry and her lack of sleep combined to make her feel like an emotional wreck.
To avoid letting him see the tears swimming in her eyes, she rolled over and presented him with her back. He had the life he wanted. What difference did her problems make to him?
“Damn,” he swore, and stalked out.
TOO ANGRY TO SLEEP, Adam prowled around his room for the next thirty minutes. Part of him wanted to wring Jenna’s neck for getting herself into such a tough situation; another part wanted to race back to San Francisco and avoid the whole mess.
In any event, he couldn’t help feeling he owed her something. Jenna would never have married Dennis if he hadn’t broken his promise and left her behind. But she could only blame herself for this pregnancy. She might not be as sophisticated as those women who routinely protected themselves against pregnancy and STDS, but she was old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. She had one kid already, for hell’s sake!
A soft knock at the door stopped Adam in his tracks. Knowing it was probably Jenna, he moved as far away from the entrance as he could before calling, “Come in.”
She’d been crying. He could tell the minute he laid eyes on her, and he felt the ice around his heart melt a little, despite his best efforts to keep the temperature down. Fortunately the stab of jealousy he’d felt when he first suspected Jenna might be pregnant returned, keeping his voice gruff. “What is it?” he asked.
She cleared her throat. “I…I wanted to make sure I could trust you to keep what you know a secret. Just for now.”
“About the baby?” With one arm, Adam braced himself against the wall and stared out the window at the landscape lights in the garden below. “Are we sure there is a baby?”
“I’m afraid so.” She pressed her palms to her eyes. “I need a few days to decide what to do.”
Evidently she’d already taken the test he’d bought her, and the results had shaken her. Her voice was soft and sounded nearly as frightened as her enormous eyes looked. Adam could understand why. He felt shell-shocked himself, and the baby wasn’t even his. “How far along are you?”
“About three months.” She fiddled with the belt of her white terry robe, then sighed. “Listen, I have Ryan to think about and, well, I regret saying what I did about the, um, baby’s father. It would only confuse Ryan to think Dennis wasn’t—”
“I won’t say anything, to anyone.” Adam cut her off, hating the thought of a total stranger getting past barriers Jenna would never let him cross again. He remembered the stained-glass window he’d seen in her studio and wondered, for the first time, if he was wrong about it being “their” stretch of beach. Just because their years together still meant something to him didn’t mean Jenna held them with the same sacred regard. It was egotistical of him to even think so.
She smiled a little, and he felt another tug at his heart. What would it have been like to marry Jenna and to watch her grow big with his child? To have a son like Ryan?
“I guess you’ll be heading back to San Francisco soon,” she said.
“Yeah. I’ve got to get back. Some things have happened since I’ve been gone…”
“Sure, it’s hard to get away when you’ve got so much going on.” She spoke quickly and started toward the door, obviously expecting him to take her words at face value, but he couldn’t ignore the undercurrent. She knew he was running away from her again. He hadn’t been able to fulfill his promise to her fifteen years ago. And he hadn’t gotten any better at making commitments since.
“Dammit, Jenna,” he said, catching her by the arm. “What do you expect me to do? Walk away from my practice?”
“What do I expect?” She frowned. “I don’t expect anything. I couldn’t hold you here once, I wouldn’t try again. Any demands you feel are simply your imagination. Or maybe they’re reflections of your grandparents’ hopes, not mine.”
“Liar.” He could feel her shaking under his hand, a natural reaction after learning about the baby, he supposed, but he wanted to believe that part of her still responded to him.
She released a bitter laugh. “God, Adam, what do you want from me? If you want to hear me say it nearly destroyed me when you left the last time, I will. But if you think I’ll give any man the chance to hurt me like that again, you’re a bigger fool than I thought.”
“Didn’t Dennis hurt you, Jen?”
“The truth?” Defiance flashed in her eyes. “In some ways,” she admitted. “Fat lips hurt. Broken bones hurt. Worrying about Ryan because of Dennis and me hurt. Living in fear hurt. But Dennis could never really reach me. Not in here.” She tapped her chest with the knuckles of one fist. “This is locked up tight, and the key was lost a long time ago. A divorce is a huge wakeup call, Adam. We’re not kids anymore. Every decision I make affects my son, and even if I wanted to, I couldn’t take another emotional risk, at least not now, and not with you. Ryan needs me to be strong and consistent. So that means you’re safe. Get it? I don’t want anything from you, and to be completely honest, I wish you’d do us all a big favor and go back to San Francisco. That’s where you want to be. That’s where you belong. So go, okay?”
The phone on the nightstand jangled. As Jenna jerked away to answer it, a shadow of apprehension entered her eyes. Dennis again, Adam thought. This time of night, it had to be him. And Jenna knew it.
Instinctively he skirted past her to grab the receiver. “All right, Dennis,” he barked into the phone, “you want to threaten somebody, try threatening me. I won’t stand still for your harassing Jenna anymore, do you understand?”