Plain Jane and Doctor Dad. Kate Little
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again, and she thought her words had taken some of the edge off his anger.
“I was shocked at first by his reaction,” she continued. “But maybe it’s a good thing that he wants no connection to me or the baby. With any luck I’ll never have anything to do with him again.”
He paced across the room, then suddenly turned to face her.
“Yes, I guess you’re right. You’re certainly better off without him,” he admitted in a calmer tone. “And my confronting him wouldn’t help matters, would it?”
“Not at all,” she assured him.
“Except to make me feel a hell of a lot better,” he added, more to himself than to Maura. He took a deep breath and she could see him willing himself to cool off.
“Sorry, Maura. This doesn’t help you any.” He shook his head then glanced down at her. “Have you decided what you’re going to do?”
He’d asked the question quietly, almost casually. Yet she sensed him focusing on her reply with laser-like intensity. Not just the way a friend would be interested, but as if the matter somehow affected him directly, as well.
“I want to keep my baby,” she said firmly. “I have to.”
“I knew you would say that.” Doug’s expression softened, and a warm light glowed in his eyes as he gazed at her. “But raising a child on your own will be hard. Harder than you think,” he said knowingly. “My mother was a single parent. She didn’t even have family to help her. She really did it all on her own. With twin boys, no less,” he added. “Until I was an adult, I never even understood or appreciated how much she had to deal with. Sometimes I know I can never fully appreciate it, either.”
Maura had not known that Doug had been raised only by his mother. It couldn’t have been easy for him growing up. The accomplishment of completing medical school seemed even more impressive now. He was right. It wouldn’t be an easy road for her or her child.
“I know what you’re saying. I’ve thought about this—the problems I’ll face. But I can’t see it any other way. I just can’t put the child up for adoption,” she added. It was hard to continue, but she forced herself. Now it was her turn to reveal some hidden part of her history. “I know what it’s like to be part of a family…but not really part of it. It’s a terrible, lonely feeling. Like you’re always on the outside looking in,” she added quietly, remembering unhappier times.
“I’d rather raise my child alone and give it all the love one parent can give than sit and wonder, every day, if my baby is happy and cared for.”
“You were adopted?” he asked.
She shook her head. “A foster child, from the time I was about twelve years old. Both my parents died in a car accident. My sister and I had no close relatives to raise us. We were split up and sent to different foster homes. Some of the people were nice to me. They wanted to help and tried to make me feel a part of their family. But there were always problems. I never stayed anywhere for very long,” she confided wistfully. “Then I managed to get a scholarship to college and started living on my own.”
“How sad to lose both your parents so young,” he said gravely. “At least I always had my mother and brother. You never mentioned your family before. I had no idea.”
“Yes, well, you never mentioned yours either,” she said. “We’ve never talked much about personal things like this before, have we?”
“No, we haven’t. But maybe it’s long past time that we did.”
He glanced at her briefly as he sat down on the other end of the couch, crossing one long leg over the other and stretching out his arm along the back of the sofa. Despite his size, he moved gracefully, Maura noticed, with a powerful masculine grace that was distracting to her.
“Considering all you’ve been through, Maura, I’d think you would have turned out differently somehow.”
“Differently? How do you mean?”
“I’m not sure exactly. Not nearly as optimistic for one thing. And you’re such a caring, giving person.”
His thoughtful words lifted her spirits and, more than that, made her remember who she was and what she was capable of.
“I had a good start, I guess. I had two parents who loved their children and loved each other. We lived in a small town in Wisconsin, just outside of Madison. It was really an ideal childhood, you might say.” She looked down for a moment and gathered her thoughts. “Sometimes when I think about my family life back then, I think it might be unfair to the baby to raise it on my own. I know that there are decent, good people out there who would give an adopted child lots of love and a wonderful home. And sometimes I do feel scared to do this on my own.”
She felt her throat tighten with emotion, making it hard to continue. She didn’t want to start crying again but felt the tears well up in her eyes. “I don’t know…I just feel so confused, so overwhelmed,” she admitted in a shaky voice.
Doug touched her shoulder. He seemed about to speak, then stopped himself. She could see he was giving her a moment to calm herself and collect her thoughts again.
It was still hard for Maura to believe she was pregnant.
How could she begin to explain it to Doug, when she herself hardly understood how this happened? To her, of all people? She’d always felt that physical intimacy between a man and a woman was a serious step, part of a relationship that included love and commitment. Even so, she had little experience that way and had always been so careful.
But Scott had had a way of sweeping aside her doubts and Maura had believed that she loved him. She had thought herself so lucky that a successful, good-looking man like Scott had wanted her. She couldn’t understand what had attracted him to a mousy little thing like her. She couldn’t help it, but that was how she thought of herself. She knew she wasn’t attractive and sexy like some of the women around the hospital. She was quite the opposite, the type people used to call a plain Jane, feeling most comfortable when she blended into the woodwork. Sometimes friends like Liza insisted that she had what it took to turn heads, if she would only play up her looks a bit. But Maura always thought they were just trying to be nice. She could never quite believe it.
Maybe she felt safer downplaying her looks. As a teenager, just starting to blossom, she’d had some bad experiences attracting the wrong kind of male attention—the clumsy and crass advances of boys and even adult men in her foster families. She had learned to put as little emphasis as possible on her appearance. In her heart she hoped that the right man would be attracted to what was inside, not to some pretty packaging.
That was part of the reason she thought Scott might be the right man for her. Plain Jane or not, Scott pursued her and wooed her, and she was very flattered by his attentions. While he sometimes acted thoughtlessly in a way that was hurtful to her, he always managed to win her back again. It was hard to stay mad at him when he turned on the charm.
She knew he had his faults. But didn’t everybody? Maura didn’t expect the man she married to be perfect. She had so little experience when it came to romance that she hardly knew what to expect. No wonder she now found herself in this situation.
She shook her head as if to clear her muddled thoughts, then glanced over at Doug. Their eyes met, his golden gaze full of concern for her. For her future and her baby’s, she thought.
She unconsciously touched her hand to her stomach, which was still perfectly flat. Yet she imagined the new life growing there, minute by minute, hour by hour.
“I’ve been thinking I might leave Chicago. It’s hard to raise a child here.”
“Leave Chicago?” Doug’s expression darkened. “Where would you go?”
“Maybe to Portland, to be near my sister, Ellen. Or maybe to Santa Fe. I have a good friend from school there. I might be better off someplace new, making a fresh start.”
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