The Dilemma. B A Paris
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‘Stop playing games, Adam. Where did you get the money from?’
He lowered his head and looked me straight in the eye. ‘You know damn well where.’
It took me a moment to realise what he meant. Running into the bedroom, I found the shoebox open on the bed, empty except for a handful of one and two pound coins. When I’d last counted, there’d been over a thousand pounds. Now there were barely ten. Sick with fear that he could do such a thing, I picked up the box and went tearing back to him.
‘How dare you?’ I cried. ‘How dare you steal my money?’
He was on his feet in an instant.
‘How dare you?’ he countered angrily, his face close to mine. ‘How dare you keep money from me when you knew how much I wanted a motorbike.’
‘Only since Rob bought one! You never mentioned wanting a bike before that!’
‘Because I thought I’d never be able to have one, not with a child to bring up! But then Rob enlightened me, told me the reason I couldn’t afford one was because you’d been hiding money from me. So, when exactly were you planning to leave me?’
I stared at him. ‘What are you talking about? When have I ever said that I wanted to leave you?’
‘Why else would you have been hoarding money?’
‘Not to leave you! I love you, Adam, although sometimes I don’t understand why, not when you behave like you do.’
‘So what was the money for then?’
‘I was saving to take you and Josh on holiday!’
From his bedroom, Josh began to cry, woken by our raised voices. A flash of fear ran through me.
‘When? When did you buy the bike?’
‘This morning, while you were out.’
‘I was only gone two hours.’
‘It was long enough.’
‘Was Rob here? Did he stay here while you went to buy it?’
‘No, it was one of his friends who was selling it, so he came with me.’
I stared at him, hating that he hadn’t even grasped what I was getting at. ‘How did you get it back here?’
‘How do you think? I rode it!’
‘How?’
‘What do you mean, how?’
‘I mean how did you ride it when you had Josh with you?’
I could see him working it out, see him thinking – Josh? The blood drained from his face.
‘You forgot, didn’t you?’ I moved towards him, so mad that I wanted to scratch his eyes out. ‘You forgot about Josh. You look after him so rarely that you forgot he existed. You went off to buy yourself a motorbike leaving your son here, your son who could have woken up and found himself alone in the flat.’ I looked behind him to the open window. ‘Josh is nearly three, Adam, three! He can climb!’
‘I didn’t know,’ he stuttered. ‘I didn’t think.’
‘You never think, that’s the problem! You think about yourself, but you don’t think about me, or Josh, you never have and you never will! So this is what you’re going to do. I’m going out and when I come back, I want you gone! Go and live with Nelson – you think more of him than you do of us. Here’s the money for your fare!’ And I flung the contents of the box in his face.
For days after, I could see the marks on his forehead where the coins hit him.
Although Adam returned the bike that afternoon and managed to get the money back, he’s never forgiven Rob for misleading him. Neither have I, because I know that when Jess told him what I’d told her in confidence – that I was secretly saving – she would also have mentioned why. At the time, I wondered at Rob’s motive. Then I remembered how persistent he’d been in asking me out, even though I’d already met Adam, even though each time I refused. Even now the only thing I can think of is revenge. As I sit behind Kirin and Jess, watching the beautiful countryside fly past the window, a shiver goes down my spine.
12 P.M. – 1 P.M.
I take my leather jacket from the cupboard under the stairs and head out to the garage. Even if I’m only going into Windsor, I still feel the same sense of excitement when it comes to going out on my bike. I put my helmet on, my music starts playing, and it’s like I’m in my own secret world.
I switch on the ignition and the engine roars into life. I can’t believe how good it feels to have had that conversation with Josh. As we sat drinking our second beer, we began to talk like we’ve never talked before, not about anything very meaningful but about everyday stuff. He wanted to know about the techniques I use to sculpt, so I told him about the angel I want to make for Marnie and he’s going to watch me when I make a start on it tomorrow.
I feel bad that Livia doesn’t have something just for her, like I have my bike and my wood. I hadn’t realised that she doesn’t really have any hobbies until she brought it up a few weeks ago. She’d been working late at the kitchen table and I’d gone in to offer her a glass of wine and found her crying, her tears dripping onto her keyboard.
‘Hey,’ I said, moving her computer out of the way. ‘What’s happened?’
She rubbed her eyes and leaned into me as I bent to hug her.
‘I’m just feeling a bit rubbish about everything – at everything.’
I kissed her hair, the familiar smell of coconut and perfume pulling me in.
‘That,’ I said. ‘Couldn’t be further from the truth.’
‘Tell me honestly,’ she said, looking up at me. ‘Do you think that because my parents were screwed up, I’ve screwed up Josh and Marnie?’
The question was so unexpected I laughed.
‘Liv! That’s insane! You’re an incredible mum, the absolute best. Without you our kids wouldn’t be half the people they are. You’ve brought them up brilliantly.’
She pulled away and attempted to go back to working on her laptop. But I stopped her hands and closed the computer.
‘You’re amazing,’ I told her. ‘I don’t know what’s happened to make you feel like this, but you are.’
She stared through the window into the dark night.
‘It’s just – I don’t know – I suppose I feel that I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way. I’m a mum, a wife, a lawyer, a friend, but sometimes I wish I had something extra, something that’s only for me, like you do. Like your biking and your sculpting. I haven’t had a passion just for me for years, if ever. I don’t even have any talents, not like you. You’re so creative and I’m – nothing.’
It hurt that she couldn’t see how brilliant she was. I took her wrists and pulled her gently to her feet. When she wrapped her arms around me, I could feel the undulations of her ribs through her jumper. She’d lost weight recently and I kept forgetting to ask her about it. Was it all for the party? Or was she worried about something, something bigger? But she would tell me if she was; she’d never been able to leave things unsaid between us.
‘What about your roses?’ I said, glad to have found something that was all hers. ‘I don’t know anyone who can name roses like you do. That’s an amazing talent.’
She started to smile and then began laughing so hard that new tears formed in her eyes.
‘What?’ I said. ‘You can!’