In Bloom. C.J. Skuse
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‘Joe Leech. He was my best friend when I was a kid. I only knew him for a couple of summers. He was killed. Got knocked down.’
‘Oh that’s awful. I’m sorry.’
‘Apparently when he was in the zoo, Alfred used to throw poo at people and piss on them as they passed underneath his cage. And he hated men with beards. I don’t like men with beards either. Don’t trust them.’
Marnie laughed.
‘Does Tim have a beard at the moment?’
She thinned her eyes. ‘No he doesn’t.’
‘Just checking. We used to spend hours up here, me and Joe.’
‘Smells a bit strange. Some of them look so sad.’
‘Yeah but look at the ones who are grinning. They look insane.’
‘True.’
‘Don’t you find it fascinating? I find death fascinating.’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I find it quite creepy actually.’ She moved around the glass cases with caution as though any moment the ocelot or Sumatran tiger or glassy-eyed rhino might crash through the glass and flatten her.
‘There’s a dodo somewhere,’ I said. ‘That was Joe’s favourite.’
‘You look genuinely happy to be here,’ she remarked.
‘Yeah, I think I am. I was happy as a kid. Before Priory Gardens. And when I was with Joe. And Craig. Not so much since.’
This remark seemed to trouble Marnie all afternoon. She brought it up several times as we were wandering round but put it down to the whole Craig-being-in-prison and not-having-a-baby-daddy-around thing.
After the gift shop – where Marnie again noted several things she liked but wouldn’t buy – we went over the road to Rocotillos where me and Joe Leech ate short stack pancakes and shakes for breakfast, and dared each other to blow cold cherries at the waiters. We sat on stools overlooking the street outside. Marnie said she wasn’t hungry but I ordered her chocolate brownie freak shake with whipped cream and salted caramel sauce, same as me, and she ate every bite. The sky darkened and rain began spattering the window.
She sucked her straw in ecstasy. ‘Mmm, I’d forgotten what chocolate tastes like. It’s not good for you, too many sweets.’
‘Is Tim afraid you’ll get fat?’
She nodded, seemingly forgetting herself as she chewed the tip of her straw. ‘He’s worried about diabetes, that’s all. He doesn’t think it’s good for me to gain too much fat.’
‘No, I suppose it absorbs the punches too well.’
Marnie rolled her eyes like she’d known me for years and this was something ‘typically Rhee’. ‘Things change after you have a baby. Men can… stray. That’s what I’m most afraid of I guess. I couldn’t handle that. My dad cheated on my mum and it broke her heart and mine.’
‘So if he cheated on you, you might find the strength to leave him?’ A little thought owl flew into my mind.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ she said firmly. ‘I’d never forgive you.’
My thought owl flew out again. ‘I’d like to meet Tim.’
‘Why?’
I spooned some cream from my shake. ‘Just to be sociable.’
‘You’re not sociable though,’ she chuckled.
‘I’m out with you, aren’t I? What more do you want?’
She looked out of the window but I knew she didn’t want to look at me. ‘He’ll be coming to Pin’s cheese and wine. And she’s planning a big fireworks party in November for her birthday as well. No expense spared.’
‘Oh Christ,’ I groaned. ‘She’s not going to invite me to those, is she?’
‘Of course she is,’ said Marnie. ‘You’re one of the gang now.’
‘Ugh. I need that like a hole in the womb.’
‘Pin’s house is amazing. They’re millionaires.’
‘Whoopee shit.’ I blew a cold cherry at a passing waitress. It missed.
Outside it was raining hard. People rushed past the window with briefcases on their heads and newspapers folded over like makeshift hats. ‘What do you want to talk about then?’ I asked. ‘You choose. Ask me anything. Any question you’ve always wanted the answer to. Priory Gardens, Craig, you name it. Open season.’
Marnie stared at the window and took two bites before answering. ‘If you counted every raindrop as it fell, how many raindrops would there be?’
‘Huh?’
She laughed. ‘I like those kinds of unfathomable questions, don’t you? Makes me feel so small in the world. Like, how long would it take for you to count every single grain of sand on Monks Bay beach?’
‘You must be the only person in the country at a private audience with me who doesn’t want to ask me questions about Craig.’
‘It’s none of my business, is it?’
‘No, it’s not.’
‘I’ve got another one,’ she said, the light flicking on behind her eyes. ‘How do you know you’re a real person and not in someone else’s dream?’
‘Isn’t that a Take That lyric?’
Below the bench we were both swinging our legs beneath the counter, like we were children again. I wished we were.
I don’t know how long we sat there – enough to share a cherry Bakewell freak shake between us and two slices of blueberry pie – and our questions kept on coming.
‘Why is the sea salty?’
‘Who picks up a blind person’s guide dog poo?’
‘Can you remember when you stopped being a child?’
‘What was the first word ever said?’
‘Do you ever hear your baby talk to you?’
Of course I said ‘No’ to that one. It wasn’t time to play the ‘mad’ card.
‘What’s the best advice you could pass onto your child?’ Marnie asked.
‘I dunno,’ I said. ‘Mind’s gone blank.’
‘I like “Find your bliss”,’ said Marnie. ‘I heard someone say that once and it stuck with me. What’s your bliss?’
‘Don’t know. Haven’t found it yet.’
‘You said in the museum you weren’t as happy now as you were when you were a kid. Maybe it’s having kids? Maybe that will make you happy?’
‘Mmm. Life’s full of maybes, isn’t it? You never know for sure.’
‘Maybes and babies,’ she smiled.
‘I still feel like a kid myself.’
‘You’ll be okay, Rhiannon. It’ll all fall into place. It’ll click, all of a sudden. And then you’ll know who you are for sure.’
I smiled like my face meant it. Would have been much easier if it did.
Tuesday, 31st July – 12 weeks, 2 days
1. Grown adults who are afraid of dogs. Strap on a pair, FFS.
2. Pop up advertisers. In fact anything that ‘pops’ at all.