Return to Love. Yasmin Sullivan Y.
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must have read that hesitance in her voice as concern or disappointment because he slid his hand under her chin to pull her face toward his. He caressed her cheek with his thumb and said, “No, no way. You must think I’m a rat.”
He let her face go and uncovered her plate and juice, smiling at her. “I know I have a lot to make up for, a lot to prove, but I won’t be running out ever again. I just went to get us some eats. I figured we needed it after last night, which was...amazing.”
Regina looked at the mound of food in front of her and tried to figure out how to get them on the same page.
“I got up early and didn’t want to wake you. I didn’t know what time you had to be up.”
“Early.”
“Then eat up.”
Regina heard the mirth in Nigel’s tone when he mentioned last night. She read the possessiveness in Nigel’s eyes when he looked at her. In contrast, she couldn’t even bring herself to eat. Tired of pushing the food around on the plate, she put the fork down and just looked at it, trying to find the right words.
He came around the table and knelt down next to her chair.
“Hey, what’s wrong, Reggie? I know there’s hurt, but we’ll face that together now.” He put his arms around her and pulled her toward his chest. Regina tensed, not responding to the embrace.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“I think we need to talk.”
Nigel scooted back onto his chair. He bent toward her and covered her hand with his own. “Okay. What’s going on?”
“Last night was...”
She saw his face drop, as if he could tell what was coming.
“...like it used to be between us.”
“But?”
“But it’s just what it was.”
“Which is?”
“Something we both needed.”
He let go of her hand and leaned back in his chair.
“That’s not all it was, Reggie. Don’t you know that?”
His voice was calm and sincere, but it had an edge that bordered on exasperation. His eyes pleaded with her to see it his way.
“That’s all it can be. I don’t even know you anymore.”
“But that’s what I want, Reggie—for us to spend the time getting to know one another again. You don’t have to make any decisions now. Just give it a chance.”
Regina got up and covered her plate before taking it to the fridge. She needed to be away from his eyes for a minute, to have something to do with her hands. His eyes followed her every move.
“No. We had a chance. I can’t go back there. Maybe I’m just finally getting over what happened back then.”
“Maybe I am, too. Maybe it’s something we can do together.”
She whirled around and looked right at him. “I can’t just forgive you for leaving and then for not being there when I needed you.”
He balled his fists and shook his head. They had finally gotten to the real issue.
“You told me to leave. You put me out. You can’t put me out and then hold it against me when I go. And you didn’t tell me about...the baby.”
“We were engaged. I needed you to be more serious about life, especially about our life together. You weren’t supposed to jump ship. You were supposed to grow up. You should have been there.”
“How can—”
“Stop. I’m not going to argue with you. And that’s all we can do now because we’re never going to agree on it.”
Regina got up from the table. This wasn’t going well. They were never going to see eye to eye. She disappeared into the bedroom and returned with a small, black jewelry case.
“Here.”
She handed him the case, and he opened it. It was his grandmother’s wedding ring.
“I’m sorry I didn’t have time to mail it.”
“It wasn’t just time. If it was that important, you would have mailed it. There’s a reason you didn’t make the time to do it.”
She considered his statement. Maybe it was true. Maybe she’d dawdled because part of her wanted to keep the past alive, to have a keepsake of it.
“Maybe I wasn’t ready to let it go. I am now.”
“I don’t want this back, Reggie. It was for you.”
“It belongs in your family, Nigel, not mine.”
Nigel shook his head. She knew he was fighting a losing battle over the past. Regina saw the disappointment in his face, but it had to be this way. She went back to the dining table and sat down, turning to look at him seriously.
“Now it really is over between us. There’s no reason we need to have contact again.”
“Reggie, this isn’t what I wanted to happen. I want us to have—”
He moved to touch her, but she pulled away. His touches made her stop thinking straight, and right now, she needed all of her faculties.
“I know this seems crazy after...last night.”
“Last night was something special. Don’t throw it away.”
“I...I’d just been holding so much in for so long. I guess it all came out. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t know it would happen. I shouldn’t have let it happen.”
“It was meant to happen. It’s always been that way between us.”
She shook her head and picked up the check from last night, which was still on the table.
“And this.” She ripped it up like she had the other one. “I’m doing fine on my own, and there is no...child...that you need to care for.”
It was ending, really ending, and her heart had grown heavy with the reality of it, as heavy as the look on Nigel’s face.
She took a teddy bear out of one of the bags on the seat next to hers. It had on a baseball jersey and a cap and had a bat sewn to its hands. It brought tears to her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall.
“Reggie, we’re not meant to end.”
“We ended a long time ago. Over six years ago.”
She turned the teddy bear around in her hand and found a string to pull to make it talk. She fingered the string but didn’t pull it.
“Do you know anyone you can give these to?”
Nigel took a deep breath and looked at the bear in her hands, seeming to feel the same wistfulness she did.
“I have little cousins.”
“Good.”
She shook her head. There was one more thing that she wanted to say.
“Nigel, I’m sorry...it has to end this way.”
But that wasn’t what was on her mind. It wasn’t what was in her heart. She was thinking about having lost their child, but she had no way to speak her shame.
“It shouldn’t end this way. It doesn’t have to.”
“Yes, it does.”
* * *
Nigel carried his packages back down to his car with a heavy heart. He’d almost had it all back, but now he didn’t have any of it. He could have spent all day trying to convince her to give them a chance, but until