The Child Who Rescued Christmas. Jessica Matthews
Читать онлайн книгу.
stopped her, or that he could have called, or he could have done any number of things, but placing blame at this date was silly.
“Okay,” she said evenly, “both of us could have done things differently, but truly, Cole, what were you afraid of?”
“That I couldn’t be the husband you wanted or needed. That our relationship would change. We were doing great just living together and I had this … this fear … that marriage might ruin what we had.”
“How was that possible?” she asked, incredulous. “We’d been living together for two years and dated for a year prior to that. How did you think marriage would ruin—?”
“You forget that the last functional family relationship I was in ended when I was eight. What did I know about how a healthy marriage should be? By the time I started college, I didn’t know if the happy home I remembered was real or make-believe. Do you really wonder why I might be afraid our relationship would change, and not for the better? And when it did, both of us would be stuck in an untenable situation.”
She fell silent as she processed the information. “Okay, I can respect that, but you obviously faced your fears because you found me at my friend’s house and proposed.” It bothered her to think that he could discuss his fears with a woman he hadn’t seen in years instead of with her, but there was little she could do about it now. She only hoped he wouldn’t tell her that at the time asking her to marry him had simply been the lesser of two evils.
“Proposing—marrying you—was the best decision I ever made. Don’t ever forget that.”
His vehemence both surprised and alarmed her. “Okay,” she said warily. “But meanwhile you had your heart-to-heart with Ruth and because you two drowned your sorrows together, she wanted you to raise her child if something happened to her.”
He visibly winced and avoided her gaze. “Unfortunately, we did more than talk and drown our sorrows.”
The bottom dropped out of her stomach. “Oh, Cole. Please don’t tell me that you—That you and this high school friend …”
He nodded, his expression grave. “We slept together. We didn’t plan it, I swear. I didn’t even know she was going to be at the reunion. The combination of everything from my insecurities and alcohol level to Ruth needing her own listening ear all coalesced until events just … happened. I’ve never done anything like that before or since and I regretted it right away. You have to believe me.”
A part of her brain heard his near-desperation, but she was still too numbed by his newest revelation to grant him absolution.
“You should have told me,” she said as her whole body seemed to turn into ice. “We should have had this conversation as soon as you rolled back into town. About your doubts and your … and Ruth.”
“I couldn’t,” he admitted. “I was too embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t go to my reunion intending to do anything but meet with old friends. After my lapse in judgment—” his voice was rueful “—I knew this news would be devastating and even though we technically weren’t a couple at the time it happened, I couldn’t risk my mistake potentially destroying our future.”
Would she have refused to marry him if she’d known he’d slept with another woman? Knowing how devastated she’d been at the time he’d stormed out after their argument, hearing that would have probably convinced her to count her blessings that he’d walked away.
At this point, however, she didn’t know for certain what she might have done. She might only have extended their engagement until she’d been fully persuaded that he hadn’t entertained second thoughts about marriage, but one truth remained undeniable. He’d taken away her opportunity to choose.
“I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am,” he added. “If I could turn back the clock and live that night over, I would.”
His remorse seemed genuine, but it did little to ease her sense of betrayal. “Sorry that it happened or sorry that you told me?”
He didn’t have to explain, her little voice pointed out. He could have simply let the story stand that they were old friends who’d reconnected during a class reunion. You’d still never know …
“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel regret for my actions,” he said, meeting her gaze. “That’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life.”
The pain in his eyes wasn’t feigned; she recognized that. Unfortunately, his revelation made her question so many things. Had he really wanted to marry her, or had he only asked her because he’d found his courage in the bottom of a bottle?
How many other secrets had he kept from her? He probably had many, because there were so many personal topics he refused to discuss.
And yet, technically, they had severed their relationship, which meant he hadn’t been required to answer to her. No vows had been broken at the time he and Ruth …
But it still hurt to know that he’d fallen into bed with another woman so quickly. Granted, the alcohol and his own anger had contributed to his decision, but still …
Although the truth weighed heavily, she had to give credit where it was due. He’d been a faithful husband for the past three years and he’d been honest when he could have kept this secret forever and no one would have ever known. Yet he’d taken the risk and apologized profusely rather than simply brush off the incident.
Emotionally, she wanted to bristle and remain angry, but logically the incident was over and done with. Walking away from him because of one relatively ancient mistake committed when they’d been separated suggested her love must be terribly shallow if she couldn’t forgive and forget.
“Sara?” he asked tentatively.
She exhaled a long, drawn-out sigh and offered a tremulous smile. “As disappointed as I am, as betrayed as I feel, even though some would say I shouldn’t, I can’t change the past. We’ll leave it there, shall we?”
“Unfortunately, there’s more,” he said.
“More?” she asked, incredulous. “What more can there be? Isn’t this friendship you had—” she chose that word instead of “affair” because she didn’t know if a one-night stand fit the true definition “—the reason why she wanted you to look after her child?”
He didn’t answer at first. “Sara,” he said softly, “Brody is thirty months old. His second birthday came during the first part of April.”
“Yes, you already told me.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Do the math.”
She did. Then, with a sinking heart, she knew. The apology on his face confirmed it.
“Oh. My. God. He’s your son, too.”
If Sara’s face had revealed her shock before, now Cole only saw horror. From her sudden intake of breath, the oxygen in the room had vanished with the news, just as it had when Parker Maitland had delivered the same bombshell to him a few hours ago. This news had knocked his world off its axis, just as it had for his wife.
Eternity had only lasted forty-eight hours.
An unholy dread had filled him from that moment on because he would have to explain the inexplicable to Sara. His confession had crushed her, just as he’d suspected it would, and, just as he’d feared, the light in her eyes had faded. Already she stared at him as if he’d become someone she didn’t know.
How ironic to be in this position. After spending his entire life always weighing his options and plotting his course carefully to avoid potential pitfalls, the one time he’d acted impulsively would haunt him for ever.
Oh, he could have ended this earlier without Sara ever being the wiser. He could have told the lawyer that he didn’t want to raise Ruth’s son—and his—and