The Most Difficult Thing. Charlotte Philby
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writing a piece about Clive Witherall. I’m looking into him, yes, but it’s not for an article. Not for a newspaper. The truth is, I’m working for … an organisation, an agency, let’s say, to help bring down a man essentially responsible for genocide. And yes, we do need your help, desperately. I just don’t know if I can …’
He looked at me for a final time before continuing.
‘The problem is that Clive, he’s an extremely powerful man … What we really need is someone on the inside, someone who can get close to him …’
The realisation slowly dawned. Drawing a cigarette from the packet he had dropped on the sofa, I let it roll between my fingers as I listened.
‘Who is we?’
He held my gaze, unblinking.
My voice sounded more self-assured than I had expected, when I continued.
‘Harry, if you expect me to trust you it has to go both ways. You can’t ask me to be involved with something and not tell me who I’m getting involved with. You can’t think I’m that naive.’
The truth, of course, was that he hardly needed to say, and I hardly needed to push. We both knew what we were talking about. MI5, MI6 … Did it matter which? I wasn’t prepared to ask myself the right questions at the time, let alone to ask him. But the truth is, it can’t have been that easy. There must have been a moment in which I stepped back long enough to question where all this would lead, a chill grazing the bare skin of my forearms. Yet, if there was any doubt, I have pushed it so far into the recesses of my memory that I cannot get it back.
‘You wouldn’t have to report to anyone but me. You would be paid a retainer.’
He said it as an afterthought, having returned from the kitchen with a bottle of whisky and two glasses.
‘Obviously it would come from another source so it didn’t look obvious.’
Had a smile formed on my lips? Or was it something else I was feeling, a sense that I was stepping with each second that passed towards devastating self-destruction?
It was hard to say right now exactly how much money I would receive, Harry added, but enough to make my life comfortable.
‘Only this has to come from you. If you were going to get involved in this, Anna, it would have to be off your own bat. You hear me? For the right reasons – because you wanted to help.’
My expression must have sharpened, a pang of annoyance that he even needed to say this.
‘No one will think any less of you if you decide you can’t. Plenty of people know awful things are happening but choose – understandably – not to get involved. Even if they could help, they don’t. And that doesn’t mean that they’re bad people, it just means—’
‘I get it.’
He considered me for a while, as if noticing something in my face that he had not seen before. After a minute or so, he nodded.
‘If you’re serious … Either way, you need to go away and give it some thought. Let me know, when you’re ready.
‘More than anything,’ he added, drawing a line under the conversation, ‘you must know that I will always be there, if you decide to go ahead. If ever you need me.’
David had already left by the time I woke up. Drawn outside by the light spilling in through every crevice of the house, the sound of the birds perched on the feeder outside the kitchen window, I took my cup onto the patio.
Following the curve of the garden, I walked towards the ornate iron bench which stood next to the door leading out onto the Heath, settling to feel the morning sun brushing against my face, the occasional call of a dog walker, the gurgle of a toddler, rising over the wall.
This is where I was still sitting, nursing a cup of cold coffee, when David appeared through the French doors half an hour later. It was a Saturday morning and the promise of spring danced between puffs of light cloud.
He wore a look of appreciation as he approached, the sun lighting him from behind. With the halo effect of the light around his head, I had a flash of memory: that first afternoon drinking together on the beach at Brighton. It was the same look, one that I could now recognise as adoration, which he wore then. Without the affectations of his university brand – the Camden Market-style jewellery traded in for a simple leather watch; the hooded jumper replaced with a casual light blue shirt – he looked younger, somehow, like a boy who had raided his father’s wardrobe.
He was about to say something, I could tell, but he paused briefly, as if enjoying the spectacle of this moment together in the garden of the house he grew up in too much to interrupt. When he finally pulled up a chair, he pressed his lips on mine.
I smiled, pulling myself slightly away from him, meeting his eyes.
‘I was thinking, we should get a gardener,’ I said, once he had settled himself, leaning back against the bench, his legs splayed.
I had been working up to the suggestion over the past few days, still unsure whether it was within my remit to request such a thing. This was still very much his family home but, beautiful as it was, it had begun to feel frayed, the toll of David’s once steady stream of parties having worn into the edges.
He shrugged. ‘Sure.’ The glint in his eyes remained intact.
I nodded, pleased at his easy reaction, looking away for a moment before feeling my attention drawn back to him.
‘What?’
‘Nothing.’
He was staring, the smile pinched at either side of his mouth.
‘What, David?’ I tried not to sound impatient, pushing playfully at his arm. ‘What do you want?’
‘I bought croissants,’ he said, reaching down towards a shopping bag. ‘And juice.’
I arranged myself in my chair, ‘Excellent, thank you.’
‘And …’ he paused before reaching into his pocket, drawing out an envelope. There was a loaded silence and then he started to speak. ‘These past months with you … I know, I know, but humour me, please … These past few months with you have been the best of my life. I know it sounds horribly cheesy but it’s true. And …’
He made the sound of a drum-roll, then placed the envelope between my fingers.
Trying to read his face, I opened it and pulled out two tickets, feeling my heartbeat rise.
He watched me as I raised one hand to my mouth, the other hand clutching the plane tickets. ‘Oh my God, David, I can’t, this is too much …’
‘It’s not.’
He held my knee in his hand, squeezing harder with every second that passed.
‘I know sometimes maybe you feel I’m pushing things too fast, but I really mean it when I say that you are the most extraordinary girl …’ He corrected himself, ‘You are the most extraordinary woman I’ve ever met. And I know how hard you’ve been working, and, well, it’s a selfish act. I want you there, I want you to meet my family. My dad.’
He watched me, my teeth biting down onto my lip so that I could taste the blood inside my mouth.
‘Sorry, that sounded intense. I just mean I want to spend time with you, away from here. I want you to be part of my life. Properly.’
I swallowed, looking up at him, pausing just long enough to see his desire grow a little more.
‘I don’t know what to say.’