Hot Single Docs Collection. Lynne Marshall
Читать онлайн книгу.
what it had been. Him loving her. He’d not recognized it then but it was clear now. So much so that it hurt to look at the bed, to remember. His body ached from the mere thought of her.
Walking to the dark brown chair that faced the window, he plopped down, put his legs across the matching footstool and crossed his ankles. The lights of the city had lost some of their luster. Scooting his butt forward, he braced his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t be sleeping in his bed tonight.
* * *
Lucy curled under her sheets still fully clothed and pulled her legs to her chest, becoming a ball. She buried her head in a pillow and let the tears flow. It had been horrible when she’d left Alexis and Emily behind and moved to New York. But nothing compared to giving up Ryan.
She’d hurt him. He’d said he loved her and she’d thrown it back in his face. She was unworthy of his love. She missed Ryan’s arms being around her, his strong, calming presence. It had taken him no time to become embedded in her life.
She’d slept next to Ryan for only one night but she already missed his warm body pressed against hers. What did he see in her? She was a mess. Here she was supposed to be helping others and she couldn’t even handle her own life.
How had her world spun so out of control? How could she ever face him at work again? Maybe she should speak to Mr. Matherson and see if she could be reassigned to another neurosurgeon. No, she couldn’t do that. It might damage Ryan’s career if she did. She couldn’t hurt him like that. She’d just have to endure and be the professional she was known to be. But could she stand the pain of seeing him daily?
“THE PATIENT’S DOING as expected,” Ryan informed the assembly around him in the hallway of the neurosurgery floor midmorning. The group didn’t include Lucy. She’d excused herself as soon as they had come out of the patient’s room. He had to make an effort not to watch her walk away. They’d not spoken since he’d left her apartment three days earlier.
It was up to Lucy to make the first move. She was the one who’d pushed him away. She’d never said she loved him. Despite being distraught about her issues with her sister, she’d sounded very clear-headed where he was concerned. Learning to live with her decision was going to be difficult. Even harder was accepting it. Compounding the issue was having to continue to work together.
She’d taken care of her responsibilities, making meticulous notes on patient charts. His clinical nurse questioned him a couple of times about an issue that Lucy had noted but which she hadn’t directly spoken to him about. In fact, she refused to look at him. She was living by the letter of the law regarding their co-operative patient care but there was no spirit of partnership in her actions any more.
He grieved for her. Only by sheer iron will did he not go in search of her or ask about her. She’d made her feelings clear. How could they have been so in sync and now have an ocean-wide chasm between them? He missed the peaceful, quiet way she’d had about her. How she’d made his hectic, often stressful life easier just by being near.
Helping her was impossible. She had to work out her issues on her own. He’d offered her love and his support and she’d pushed them away. He was paying dearly for it.
The worst was the physical ache. His body craved her, making his nights almost longer than his sanity could tolerate.
Having a few minutes before starting his weekly paperwork, he headed across the street and into Central Park. He needed to get out, away. Clear his head. As large as the hospital was, it still closed in on him, knowing that Lucy was so near but still so untouchable.
He strolled around a bend on the paved walkway and there sat his nemesis and love of his heart. She looked out over the lake, her face held up to the sun and her lunch spread out on the bench beside her. His body went on full alert. Every fiber of his being wanted to reach out and snatch her to him. Thankfully, his pride held him in check.
Her eyes opened, widened. Had she heard him or just sensed someone was near? She looked as if she was debating whether or not to ignore him. She squared her shoulders and looked directly at him.
“Hello, Ryan,” she said. The sounds of the city were hushed by the foliage of the trees and bushes. The few voices he could make out were in the distance. It would have been a perfect opportunity to take her in his arms for a kiss. But if he did that he would want more. A little of Lucy would never be enough. He wanted it all and he wanted her to want it all too.
A thin smile came to his lips. She was tough. He’d give her that. Far tougher than he was. But, then, she didn’t care about him as he cared for her. She had never once said she loved him. Forcing a foot forward, he came to stand in front of her. “Lucy.” His traitorous body hummed, being near her. She’d crushed his heart and still he wanted her so desperately it was almost a living thing, crawling to be released. “Could I speak to you a minute?”
“I thought we’d said all that needed to be said.” Her flinch gave him a second of satisfaction before it turned to guilt. It shouldn’t be this way between them. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”
Lucy looked around as if checking to see if anyone was paying attention to them. Apparently finding they weren’t, she said, “I understand. I’ve hurt you, and for that I’m sorry.”
The North Pole would become a heated swimming pool before he let her know how badly she’d hurt him. “It didn’t work out. We’re both adults. We know the score.”
She blinked then looked away.
He’d sounded harsh, he knew. But he couldn’t continue to do his job, live his life if he didn’t start getting a handle on his emotions where she was concerned. The first step was making clear to her that he was moving on.
“Ryan, about Miguel Rivera. His mother called. She’s upset because she’s having difficulty getting Miguel into a program designed for children with epilepsy this summer. It’s too expensive for her to pay for and she wanted to know if you would consider recommending he attend. She believes he would qualify for a scholarship on your recommendation.”
“Have you checked this camp out?”
“I have. I think it would be very beneficial for Miguel.”
Ryan shouldn’t have bothered to ask the question. Lucy was thorough, if nothing else. She looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time in days. Those beseeching eyes would have him doing anything. How he still wanted her! “Then I trust your judgment. See that the paperwork gets to my desk. If they don’t get the scholarship, let me know. I’ll pay for him to attend.”
She sucked in a breath.
“Don’t act so surprised. You’re not the only one who can be philanthropic. Put the paperwork on my desk, and I’ll sign it this afternoon.”
“Thank you, Ryan.”
“Is that all?”
“I’d really like to say one more thing.”
Ryan shifted his weight from one foot to the other, waiting. Something about the hesitant way she said the words made him think he wasn’t going to like what came next.
“I’m only saying this because I care about you.”
His mouth quirked and took on a dubious line. Lucy had the good grace to look contrite.
“I’d like you to think about why you have such a difficult time talking to families—”
“I’m not going to discuss—”
“Ryan, you need to hear me out. You’ve retreated behind the pain and sorrow of your father’s illness and death for so long that you can’t bring yourself to be near anyone else in the same pain. You’d be a better doctor, even a happier person, if you would try, just try to see that and be a little more open