Australian Affairs: Wed. Barbara Hannay
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the pale, sparse grass dotted with cattle, the rocky ridges and winding creeks. The wide blue overarching sky.
When they’d split, Ellie had stubbornly insisted on staying up there and running the place on her own. Even when the much-longed-for baby had arrived she’d stayed on, hiring a manager at first while she was pregnant, and then a nanny to help with the baby while Ellie continued to look after the cattle business as well as her son.
His son. Their son.
‘Joe, I assume you want to see Jacko,’ Ellie said quickly.
He gritted his teeth against the sudden whack of emotion. There’d been opportunities to visit North Queensland between his many missions, but he’d only seen their miracle baby once. He’d flown to Townsville and Ellie had driven in to the coast from Karinya. They’d spent an awkward afternoon in a park on Townsville’s Strand and Joe had a photo in his wallet to prove it.
Now the kid was two years old.
‘Of course I’d like to see Jacko,’ he said cautiously. How could a father not want to see his own son? ‘Are you planning to come in to Townsville again?’
‘I’m sorry, Joe, I can’t. It’s more or less impossible for me to get away just now. You know what it’s like in December. It’s calving time, and I’m busy with keeping supplements and water up to the herd. And Nina—that’s the nanny—wants to take her holidays. She’d like to go home to Cairns for Christmas, and that’s understandable, so I’m trying to manage here on my own. I...um...thought you might be able to come out here.’
Joe’s jaw tightened. ‘To the homestead?’
‘Yes.’
His brow furrowed. ‘But even if I fly to Townsville, I wouldn’t be able to make it out to Karinya and back again in a day.’
‘Yes, I know...you’d have to stay overnight. There...there’s a spare bed. You could have Nina’s room.’
Whoa.
Joe flinched as if he’d been hit by a sniper. He held the phone away at arm’s length as he dragged a shaky breath. He’d been steeling himself for the heart slug of another meeting with his son, but he’d always imagined another half hour in Townsville—a handover of gifts, maybe a walk in the park and another photo of himself with the kid, a memory to treasure.
Get it over, and then goodbye.
He wasn’t sure he was prepared to stay at Karinya, spending all that time with young Jacko, as Ellie called him, spending a night there as well.
That had to be a bad idea.
Crazy.
‘Joe, are you still there?’
‘Yeah.’ The effort to sound cool and calm made him grimace. ‘Ellie, I’m not sure about going out there.’
‘What do you mean? You do want to see your little boy, don’t you?’
The hurt in her voice was crystal freaking clear.
‘I...I do... Sure, of course I want to see him.’
‘I thought you’d want to at least give him a Christmas present, Joe. He’s old enough now to understand about presents.’
Joe sighed.
‘But if you’d rather not...’ Her voice was frosty now, reminding him of the chill factor that had caused him so much angst in the past.
‘Look, I just got back. I’m jet-lagged, and there’s all kinds of stuff to sort out here.’ It wasn’t totally the truth and Ellie probably guessed he was stalling.
‘You and I have things to sort out, too.’
Joe drew a sharp breath. ‘Do you have the papers from the solicitor?’
‘All ready and waiting.’
‘OK.’ He felt the cold steel of a knife at his throat. ‘Can I call you in the morning?’
By then he’d hopefully have his head together.
‘Sure, Joe. Whatever.’ Again, he heard the iciness that had plunged their once burning passion to below freezing point.
‘Thanks for the call, Ellie.’ With an effort he managed to sound non-combative, aware they were already falling into the old patterns that had eroded their marriage—constantly upsetting each other and then trying to placate, and then upsetting each other yet again. ‘And thanks for the invitation.’
‘No worries,’ she said, sounding very worried indeed.
* * *
Damn him!
Ellie stood beside the phone, arms tightly crossed, trying to hold herself together, determined she wouldn’t allow her disappointment to spill over into tears. She’d shed enough tears over Joe Madden to last two lifetimes.
It had taken considerable courage to ring him. She was proud she’d made the first move. But what had she expected? Warmth and delight from Joe?
What a fool she could be.
If Joe came to Karinya, it would be to sign the papers and nothing more. He would be businesslike and distant with her and with Jacko. How on earth had she once fallen for such a cold man?
Blinking and swiping at her eyes, Ellie walked softly through the house to the door to Jacko’s room. Her little boy slept with a night light—an orange turtle with a purple and green spotted bow tie—and in the light’s glow she could see the golden sheen of his hair, the soft downy curve of his baby-plump cheek.
He looked small and vulnerable when he was asleep, but in the daytime he was a ball of energy, usually good-natured and sunny, and gleefully eager to embrace life—the life he’d been granted so miraculously.
Ellie knew Joe would melt when he saw him. Surely?
Perhaps Joe sensed this possibility. Perhaps he was afraid?
Actually, that was probably close to the truth. The Joe Madden she remembered would rather face a dangerous enemy intent on death and destruction than deal with his deepest emotions.
Ellie sighed. This next phase of her life wasn’t going to be easy, but she was determined to be strong while she and Joe sorted out the ground rules for their future. The impending divorce had been hanging over them for years like an axe waiting to fall. Now, she just wanted it to be over. Finalised.
But she planned to handle the arrangements with dignity and good sense, and she aimed to be mature and evolved in all her dealings with Joe.
It probably helped that they were more or less strangers now.
* * *
This was a bad idea. Crazy.
The more Joe paced in his motel room, the more he was sure that going back to the homestead was a risk he didn’t want to take. Of course he was curious to see his son, but he’d always anticipated that his final meeting with Ellie would be in a lawyer’s office. Somewhere neutral, without memories attached.
Going back to Karinya was bound to be painful, for a thousand different reasons.
He had to remember all the sane and sensible reasons why he’d suggested the divorce, beginning with the guilty knowledge that he’d more or less trapped Ellie into marriage in the first place.
The unexpected pregnancy, their hasty marriage followed by a miscarriage and a host of fertility issues.
Now, since Jacko’s arrival, the goalposts had shifted, but Joe had no illusions about a reconciliation with Ellie. After four years in the Army, he was a hardened realist and he’d seen too much injury and death to believe in second chances.
Of course, today hadn’t been the only time Joe had landed back in Australia to find himself the sole father in his unit with no family to greet him. He was used to seeing his mates going home with their wives and kids,