I'll Be There For You. Kerry Barrett
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was even falling out. It was staring me in the face but I just hadn’t wanted to accept it. Depression was a frightening word. And yet… I closed my eyes, feeling strangely relieved that I had an answer. And possibly a solution. Now I knew what was wrong I could start to get better. But first I had to tell Louise.
She came home late again that night, but I’d waited up for her, nervously flicking through the channels on the TV.
When she came in the door, she smiled as she came upstairs and saw me sitting on the sofa.
‘Hello,’ she said, grinning at me. ‘I saw the light on and hoped you’d still be up…’
She tailed off as she saw my worried face.
‘What’s wrong?’ she said. ‘Are the kids okay?’
‘They’re fine,’ I said. I took her hands and pulled her down to sit on the sofa. ‘I just need to tell you something.’
‘H, you’re scaring me,’ Louise said. ‘Are you okay?’
I took a breath.
‘I’m just going to talk,’ I said. ‘Let me get it out and then ask questions.’
Louise nodded, her face worried.
‘I’ve not been feeling myself for a while now,’ I said, talking fast because I just wanted her to know now I’d started. ‘I’m out of sorts, I feel like I’ve lost control.’
I gripped her hand a bit tighter.
‘I think I’ve got some sort of depression,’ I said, looking down at our intertwined fingers. ‘And as well as feeling rubbish generally, I’ve lost my powers.’
I paused. Louise let out a sigh.
‘Oh thank god,’ she said. She brought our hands up to her mouth and kissed my fingers. ‘Oh, H. I thought you were ill ‒ dying ‒ or leaving me.’
‘I’m not leaving you, and I’m not dying,’ I said carefully. ‘But I think I am ill.’
‘Oh darling,’ Lou said. ‘I know, of course I know. I could see things weren’t normal but it’s hard to talk about it, isn’t it, when it’s a gradual decline.’
She looked at me.
‘You’re so thin,’ she said. ‘And no witchcraft?’ She shook her head. ‘I should have said something. I should have noticed.’
‘I’ve been working quite hard to pretend everything is normal,’ I admitted. ‘And things have been crazy.’
Louise put her hand to her mouth.
‘I’ve just taken that job,’ she said. ‘I need to tell them I can’t do it.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s fine, honestly. Do it. I’ve got a plan to help myself get better.’
Louise looked doubtful.
‘Are you going to the doctor?’ she asked. ‘It might be a good idea. I can come with you.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I think I will. And I’ve found some help online actually.’
‘On your site?’ she asked, smiling. ‘That’s good.’
I told her about Mildred Hubble and how she’d said to be kind to myself.
Louise nodded.
‘So you’re going to take some time off?’ she asked.
‘I thought three months,‘ I said. ‘Nessa can cope and my brother will be back soon, so he can help out if he’s needed.’
‘Makes sense,’ Lou said. ‘Will you be okay with having the twins while I’m working so much?’
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘In fact, when I’m with them I feel better.’
‘Maybe we should look into putting them in nursery for longer hours,’ Louise said. ‘Give you some time off.’
‘Not yet,’ I said. ‘Especially if I’m not working. Let’s just see how these three months go, shall we?’
We chatted for another hour or so. There were tears from both of us. I felt like I was cutting myself open and exposing every flaw to Louise.
‘I’m just so worried that you love me because I’ve always been so together,’ I sobbed. ‘Because I’m in control. And now I’m not.’
Louise stroked my hair.
‘I love you whether you’re in control or not,’ she told me. ‘I love you because you’re you.’
It wasn’t easy telling her how I’d been feeling but, as we talked, I started to feel a tiny bit better. That I wasn’t alone and that the people who loved me still loved me, even if I wasn’t feeling like the immaculately dressed, high-achieving businesswoman I’d spent my life becoming right now.
Eventually we came up with a plan. Lou was going to carry on with the undercover role, on condition that I kept her completely up to date with honest reports of how I was feeling, I was to cook proper meals for myself when she wasn’t there, and she would cook for both of us when she was around. Despite what Mildred said about a fitness regime, she made me agree not to take up running (it didn’t take much for me to agree ‒ I’d never been much of a runner) but she also made me promise to go back to my old yoga class. I was not to worry about my lack of powers but instead to let Esme take charge and keep an eye on the twins’ developing witchiness while I was out of action. It took me a while to agree to that.
‘Esme’s just not a natural witch,’ I protested. ‘She’s not going to nurture the twins’ talents.’
Louise gave me a stern look.
‘She loves the kids,’ she said. ‘And she loves you. She’ll make sure they’re okay. A bit of a shaky start isn’t going to damage their long-term prospects of ruling the witch world.’
‘Fine,’ I said sulkily. ‘But I want to oversee it all.’
‘You should phone your mum,’ Louise said as we cuddled up in bed much later. ‘You need looking after and if I’m not going to be here to do it, then she’ll want to be.’
‘I don’t like worrying her,’ I said. Mum had recovered from her breast cancer now but I was still very protective of her.
‘She’ll want to know,’ Lou said.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’ll call her. Just not yet.’
I woke up the next morning after what seemed like ten minutes’ sleep, feeling physically exhausted but mentally much better. Telling Louise had made me feel less alone. I knew now that this wasn’t the real me and I hoped that with a bit of care and kindness, like Mildred had said, I would get back to normal.
I stretched out in bed. Louise had already gone to work. Her undercover job was going to be tricky. She wouldn’t – couldn’t – tell me much about it, but I knew she and her team were determined to expose something that was going wrong in a big company. She’d implied the whole thing had to be handled very delicately as there were some pretty influential people involved and it all sounded pretty murky. Someone from Louise’s team was already working for the company and now Lou was going to go in, posing as a consultant, to try to find the evidence they needed. I was nervous about her working long hours in such a difficult role but I was proud of her too.
I heard Finn shouting from his room so I went to see what they were up to. He was standing in his cot, lobbing toys at his sister who was still fast asleep across the room, face down in her own cot.
‘Finlay,’ I said in mock horror. ‘What are you doing to your poor sister?’
Finn gave me a heart-melting