You and Your New Baby. Anna McGrail
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Nothing can prepare you for this news; expect simply to feel numb: If someone asks, you may find yourself saying, ‘I don’t know how I feel.’
Denial:
There are not many parents who won’t ask the doctor: ‘How can you be sure?’
Grief:
Many parents whose baby is born with a disability or a developmental problem find that they go through a time of sorrow and grief – just as if they were grieving for someone. And they are. Parents need time to mourn the loss of the perfect baby they dreamed of before they can whole-heartedly welcome the child they have.
Anger:
This is another natural reaction. The anger can be directed at anyone, including your partner and your friends, especially if your friend’s own child is healthy. You may find yourself saying, ‘Why us?’
Guilt:
Many parents feel guilty, even if they are told categorically it could not have been their fault. You may find yourself thinking back over the events in your pregnancy and saying, ‘What did we do wrong?’
SHARING
When it comes to sharing what has happened, remember:
Most people will know very little about what has happened to your child. Be willing to explain as much as they need
Choose a time for talking when you can talk privately and without hurry
Have a positive attitude: it will help everyone be positive
It may help to have a checklist to cover important points.
‘What was awful was never knowing what was best. Other people knew best all the time. They had experience of this, and we hadn’t. We didn’t know anything. All the time we were having to say: “Is this how you do it? Is this what you do?” I expected just to get on with it, and I couldn’t.’
ONE PARTICULAR hurdle that parents whose child is born with a disability must face is telling others. How and when you tell people is your decision to make. Most parents, though, find that telling others as soon as possible is more helpful than not, and it is the best way to prevent misunderstandings.
Bereavement
IF YOUR BABY dies either just before birth (a stillbirth) or just after being born (a neonatal death) you will feel more anguish and pain than you ever thought was possible.
Some of you who are reading this book before your baby arrives will turn past these pages, not wanting to read them. ‘It doesn’t bear thinking about.’ That would have been my reaction, too. But for some parents, they have to think about it, the hardest thing of all: a death in a place where there is no place for it, in a room where we give birth.
It is beyond the scope of this book to support families through the loss of their baby. Only talking and specialised support can do that, and for this reason we include the names and addresses of specific organisations that can help in the Directory.
What we can also do here is to let parents think in advance of how they might cope with the loss of their baby, and to let you know some positive ways in which you can help each other through such a difficult and distressing time.
George speaks for many other grieving fathers: ‘People somehow expected me to be affected less than Anita. I was the one making the funeral arrangements, going to see the Registrar, all of that. It was as if I just had to get all that done and then I could go back to work and forget about it.’
Anita expresses her own anguish: ‘I was going to be a mother…and then I wasn’t… and then I realised I was a mother, and always would be, even if I didn’t have my baby with me any more.’
THERE ARE MANY local support groups run by and for parents who suffer a bereavement. They will allow you and your partner the opportunity to talk about how you both feel, express your feelings and grief and to share ways of coping.
REASONS
If you and your partner suffer a bereavement:
Find out as much information as you want and need as to the causes. This will help you to understand and to come to terms with what has happened
Do talk about the baby to each other. One of the saddest things about losing a baby near the time of birth is that no one else has had the chance to get to know this new little person. You know her better than anyone and can share your knowledge with each other
Give yourself plenty of time to grieve. Do not expect to pick up the threads of life again as if nothing had happened
Give your baby a name. This will help you to talk about her and see her as a person in her own right
Ask for a photograph of your baby. This will help you to remember her
Don’t blame each other – you are both angry: you have a right to be angry, but you need to find other ways of expressing that anger
Support each other – remember that your partner has also lost a child.
IF YOUR BABY has been born in a hospital, you may find that leaving what feels like absolute safety, where there are experts and paediatricians on call 24 hours a day, and returning home, is a daunting experience. Parents whose baby has been born at home often feel something similar when the last of the midwives finally leaves and they are on their own – at last, with their new arrival. Although there is a physical journey involved in the transition from hospital to home, for all parents there is an emotional journey to be made. When you left, there were two of you, now there are three.
The reality may not hit you until you are actually back at home, as it did Kay: ‘I was in hospital for a week and all that time I kept thinking at the back of my mind that they’d never really let me leave with this baby because he wasn’t really mine. Of course, I’m saying all this, I knew he was mine, I knew it rationally, but deep down … I just kept having this niggling doubt that I’d have to hand him hack before I got in the lift to go home. It was a bit of a shock that I didn’t!’
Darren thought going home would be a time of rest and peaceful ‘daddyhood’: ‘Even before we left the hospital, on our way down in the lift, the nurse who was carrying the baby down for us was saying to Maureen, “Oh, it’s lucky you’ve got your husband at home for a few days, that’ll be a help,” and I was thinking, “What can I possibly do to help?” I had no idea of the work involved. I imagined that Maureen would breastfeed, the baby would sleep a lot, smile at me from time to time … and I would help, I’d change the odd nappy or two. But that was all. I had no idea.’
HOME MAY be the place you most want to be in the first few days, but even so, it can take some getting used to.
Naomi had been in hospital for quite a long time: ‘Although there are compensations, like you get your medicines brought round, and the meals just appear, there are still so many constraints; like, if your baby’s crying when the meal arrives, your dinner just goes cold – no one’s going to pop it in the oven for you because there isn’t an oven.’
Rowena’s husband began to long for some privacy, even at home: ‘People were in and out all those first few days and it seemed like we’d never get any peace and quiet. People kept saying things like, “Oh it’s so lucky you’ve got Peter here to help for a bit”, and I was getting cross because all I was doing to help was making them tea.’
David found himself impressed by Tina’s growing knowledge and let himself be guided by her: ‘We’d been living with Tina’s parents and had only moved into our own flat three or four weeks before and there were still things in boxes that we hadn’t got round to unpacking. We’d borrowed