Her Happy-Ever-After Family. Barbara Hannay
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made of, Tess Laing. Off you go. I want to see you do a lap around the chicken coop.’
She took a deep breath and headed for the chicken coop. She finished the lap, headed for the back fence and then did it all over again.
‘Yee ha!’ Holding her hat to her head, she lifted her face to the sun and laughed for the sheer joy of it. Who knew a ride-on lawnmower could be so much fun? ‘Oh, man, I have to get me one of these!’
She clamped both hands back to the steering wheel as she whizzed around the chicken coop a third time. Barney raced the length of the chicken run beside her, barking madly and wagging his tail. Cam laughed at her, but she didn’t mind in the least. This—this mad, fun dash on the mower—felt like freedom.
With the kids having started school this week, she’d started to feel less tense, less…shackled. Until this morning, that was. But…to not have to be on her guard all the time, aware that her every move and word could impact on Ty and Krissie in some unforseen way. That…well, it was heaven.
Not that she didn’t miss the children being at home with her, but she relished the downtime from them too. Nobody had told her how much mess they could make, or how noisy they could be, or how grumpy they could get when they were tired or…or just how relentless parenthood was.
And nobody had warned her how much that could take out of a person.
Which went to show what a poor substitute she was for Sarah.
She promptly stalled the mower.
Cam came up, a frown in his eyes. ‘What happened?’
She swallowed. ‘I, uh, lost my concentration for a moment.’ She tried to find that elusive sense of freedom again, but it slipped out of reach. ‘Thank you for the lesson, Cameron. I think I have the hang of it now.’ She started the mower up again. Something in his eyes made the ache inside her threaten to explode, and she wasn’t sure if tears or heat would be the outcome—and she had no intention of finding out. ‘I’ll just park it up near the house.’ She didn’t wait for him to say anything, but took off.
She climbed off the mower and checked her watch.
‘Somewhere you need to be?’
She suddenly laughed. ‘I’m just waiting for that darn cake to cool. I’d planned on icing it, but I’m not sure I can wait that long. I’ll put the kettle on in a moment and cut us both a slice. I just want to check the animals’ water first.’
Cam settled on the garden bench and picked up Sarah’s book. Tess checked the water bowl by the back door and then the one in the chicken coop, letting Barney and Fluffy out to play in the yard.
Cam gave a sudden snort. ‘You have got to be joking! Listen to this. “Carrot spaghetti: using a vegetable peeler, create long lengths of carrot to look like spaghetti. Submerge in boiling water for a few seconds and then top with pasta sauce. Children will love it and it’s a tasty way to ensure they eat their vegetables.”’
She nodded. ‘I know. Who has the time for that, huh? Do you know how long it takes to peel a whole carrot with a vegetable peeler?’
He stared at her. The book dropped to his lap. ‘You’ve tried this?’
‘Well…’ She heaved back a sigh. ‘I just never knew it could be so hard to get kids to eat their veggies. There’s loads more tips in there about grating carrot and zucchini and adding it to mince when making rissoles or meatloaf…and grating cauliflower And zucchini into hash-brown mixture and…’
She plonked down beside him. ‘Long gone are the days of pulling a frozen dinner out of the freezer and nuking it in the microwave.’ And God help her, but she missed those days. A sigh overtook her. ‘Do you know how long it takes to grate anything?’
‘Hell, Tess.’
She straightened. ‘I mean, that’s one of the reasons we came out here—so I’d have plenty of time to do exactly that.’ Looking after Ty and Krissie was the most important job in the world to her, so what were a few grated carrots between family, huh?
‘You’re going to send yourself around the twist grating vegetables as if there’s no tomorrow.’
It was starting to feel that way, but…
‘You know what, Tess?’
She glanced at him and the sympathy and compassion in his eyes made her sinuses burn and her throat ache. ‘What?’ she whispered.
‘I think you need to stop trying to be Sarah and focus on being yourself.’
Her head rocked back.
‘And another thing…Why are you so reluctant to continue with your music?’
She froze.
‘Why aren’t you eager to dive back into your piano and guitar?’
An invisible hand reached inside her chest to squeeze her heart.
‘Hasn’t it occurred to you that playing again might actually help you manage all your stress and worry?’
‘No!’ She leapt up. ‘You’re wrong. So wrong!’
She stood there, hands clenched, shaking, and realised too late how utterly revealing her reaction had been. She forced herself to sit again, doing what she could to hide her panic. ‘No.’ She moderated her tone. ‘You don’t understand.’
‘Then explain it to me.’
Explain? Oh, that was impossible, but…‘Music consumes me. I…When I play, nothing else matters. For the time being, it needs to go on the backburner until I get a decent handle on my new life.’
All true, but she couldn’t look at him as she said it.
He surveyed her for a long moment. It took a superhuman effort not to fidget. ‘So you haven’t played since you heard about Sarah’s accident?’
The yearning rose within her but she ruthlessly smothered it. ‘There hasn’t been time.’ There would never be time. She’d make sure of it. She’d turned her back on that life of selfishness.
His eyes suddenly narrowed. ‘Why do I get the feeling you’re punishing yourself?’
‘Low blood sugar,’ she prescribed, jumping up. ‘It’s beyond time I serve up that promised cake.’
‘Tess.’
She halted halfway to the back door and then turned. ‘Cam, can we leave this for now? I…I just need to get my priorities straight and my music messes with that too much. I’ll sort it out eventually, but in the meantime talking about it doesn’t help.’
She hated lying to him. But he was leaving Bellaroo Creek soon and…And it was just too hard.
With a nod, he let it be and she could’ve hugged him. To stop from doing anything so stupid, she set up the card table and served tea and cake. Cam ate it with the same relish as she did, and it lifted something inside her.
Eventually they both sat back, sated.
‘Tess, about grating all those vegetables.’
His tone made her laugh. ‘Yes?’
‘I don’t think it’s necessary.’
‘No? Well, c’mon, convince me, because, believe me, if I never see another grated carrot for as long as I live it’ll be too soon.’
He sobered, that compassion alive in his eyes again. ‘Tess, no matter what you do you’ll never be able to make up to Krissie and Ty that they’ve lost their parents. You can grate from now till kingdom come, but it won’t make a scrap of difference.’
Her throat closed over.
‘And spoiling them in the attempt will be doing them a grave disservice.’
With a superhuman effort, she swallowed.