Scout's Honor. Stephanie Doyle
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memories sucked. Because the memories always reminded him of what it had felt like to be in love. To be in love with Scout, who loved him, too.
It had been maddening and exhilarating. It had been soul crushing and to this day still the most important thing he’d ever experienced. Even though buying his mom her first real home had been huge, it hadn’t been life changing for him.
Scout had been life changing. From the start he knew they weren’t just some couple. He knew they weren’t just two young people having some fun.
No, they were the real deal. He knew it because, four years later, she wouldn’t let them have a conversation in the car for fear it would bring all the old memories up again.
He knew it because he thought that was a good idea, too. As much as he was committed to honoring his promise to Duff, he was not going back there with her. The fun and the love, the passion and the sex, the madness and everything that he felt for her. The importance of those feelings was now tainted by pain.
That crushing pain had sat on his chest for months after leaving her. Eventually it mellowed out to a dullness that he knew would never really go away.
“What is with the snorting?” Scout grilled him. “You know I hate the snorting.”
He’d always snorted any time she said something he didn’t believe or agree with.
“I’m sorry, but I know you. Taking a risk on a guy like Evan? That is not going to happen. You and I both know it. So I guess I’m feeling bad for him. The reality is this guy is going to come to camp, we’ll send him up against some Triple A pitching talent and he won’t be able to hit dick, pardon my French. But even if he does, it would take a major sell to get anyone to consider him at his age and with his lack of baseball experience. I just don’t see you doing that.”
There was silence as Jayson changed lanes, passed a car, then changed back.
He shot her another glance. Yep...more glaring.
“Look, what do I know?” Scout asked him.
It was an old exchange they used to share. Which meant more memories. Damn.
“You know baseball.”
“I know baseball,” she repeated. “I’m telling you, I know what a natural swing looks like and that guy has it. If he’d been the golf coach instead of the baseball coach, he might be trying to qualify for the US Open, who knows. But if someone comes to me as a natural-born athlete with a sweet swing and who I think can be an asset to the team, I’m willing to make the hard sell.”
“You never make the hard sell,” Jayson said. The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. What he’d said would piss her off and he really hadn’t wanted to do that. Today had been a good day. She’d gone outside. She’d worn clothes that weren’t stained. He’d watched her eat three bites of a hamburger and seven French fries.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Scout, I worked by your side for over a year. You play the numbers. You go with the odds. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s the smart thing to do in baseball. It’s why the Rebels have you, one of only two female scouts in all of baseball, on their payroll. But don’t try to convince me that you might actually take a risk on this guy.”
He heard the huff and felt the flounce of her body as she shifted in her seat. She’d always been this crackle of energy and every time she moved it was as if she ruffled the air around her so he could feel the ripples of it on his skin.
“You say that like I never have. Taken a risk.”
He felt a sharp pain in his chest and might have been afraid he was having a heart attack except he was intimately familiar with the feeling and knew better.
Heartbreak.
“Have you?” His tone was sharper than it should have been, but it was a particularly sore subject for him. “In these past four years since I’ve been gone, have you? Because I sure as heck know you didn’t take them before.”
“Really? Are we seriously going to have this fight again?”
Jayson didn’t want to fight. Fighting her was not what he was supposed to be doing. He was here to support her, pull her out of the hole she was in, get her back on her feet.
Fix her because she’s broken.
That, too. He found himself angry all over again. He remembered the anger. It had lived side by side with the heartbreak. Now he was realizing, like the pain, it too had dulled to an ache. But it had never really gone away.
“You know,” he said slowly, carefully, as if this next sentence might be the most important of his life. “I don’t think we ever had that fight. I remember the words. I remember asking you to go with me and you saying no. I remember asking why. I remember knowing why, so I stopped asking when you stopped giving me answers. I remember goodbye. You know what I don’t remember? I don’t remember the fight.”
* * *
“HAVE YOU LOST your mind?” Scout asked him.
Jayson had pulled over to a gas station in the middle of nowhere. He’d stopped the car and gotten out as if to suggest they weren’t going anywhere until they had it out.
Now Scout was out of the car and looking at him as if he had lost his mind.
Maybe he had, but after checking his anger while Duff was dying he suddenly found he couldn’t hold it in anymore. No doubt Scout wasn’t ready for this showdown, but it was hard to know if she ever would be. And they needed this.
“I loved you,” he snapped. “You knew that. But you wouldn’t take the smallest chance on us. Not the smallest chance and come to Texas with me. I mean, seriously, what was the worst that could happen? If it didn’t work out between us, you could have always come back home.”
Scout looked stricken. So much so that Jayson considered taking it back and telling her to forget it. She wasn’t ready for this confrontation. He knew that now, but he just wanted her to admit that their breakup had been her fault and not his.
“You were the one who left me!”
The shrill sound of her voice hurt his ears. Jayson imagined if there were any dogs within earshot they would be howling.
“If you loved me,” she continued, “really loved me, you never would have done that!”
“It was a managing job. This is baseball. You know that’s how this business works. You have to go where the openings are. What was I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for something to open up in Minotaur Falls?”
“You’re here now,” she grumbled.
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t be back as the team’s manager. With a chance to make an impression on the Rebels’ GM. You know where I’m going, right?”
Scout nodded tightly with her arms crossed over her middle.
“And you, more than any other person, know what it means for me to get back there. One day. I had one damn day and it wasn’t enough. Every decision I made, everything I learned was all about giving me one more shot. You knew that. Tell me you knew that.”
“Okay. I knew it. I knew how important it was to you, although you really never gave yourself credit for getting to the majors the first time.”
Jayson didn’t want to think about that. “You knew why I had to leave and take that job. It was either that or effectively give up my career. Is that what you wanted? For me to give up baseball?”
She shook her head, again tightly as if these answers were hard to give.
“Now tell me why you wouldn’t come with me. I told you I loved you. You told me you loved me. Was that the truth?”
“Yes,” she said softly. So softly he almost didn’t