Valentine's Dream. Carmen Green
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“I’m talking about what he wanted to do with his life, where he wanted to rise to. Getting appointed to the mayor’s office was a real coup, but Benson had plans to go much higher. You can’t have that kind of drive without knowing you have to play ball, cut deals, compromise, maybe even gloss over the truth when necessary. Well, that was fine for Benson, but I always had the feeling that that’s not the kind of life you bargained for when the two of you got married. He went from being just another district attorney to being in ‘the game.’”
“How did you know how I felt about his career?” Grace asked, not denying any of Carter’s statements.
“You seemed not in awe of Benson, but overwhelmed. Like he was moving too fast, and you were afraid you’d hold him back. I think you wanted to be a partner in a marriage, not in his career goals. I think you wanted to know he would give as much quality time to his family as he did to outfoxing his opponents and enemies. Benson had them, you know.”
“I...I don’t know what to say,” Grace murmured. “I never realized anyone was paying attention to my relationship with Benson. Everyone liked him, and he was so popular, but I wasn’t jealous of that.”
“I came to understand that after a while.” Carter nodded. “But I thought you hated me because you believed I thought you were holding him back. On the other hand, Benson really loved you. He said you were a class act, not like those other bi...women he’d known before. You gave him a son, and that made a huge difference in his outlook. But I wondered what would have happened down the road.”
It was a lot for Grace to think about, putting together all the puzzle pieces that made up the relationships between her, Benson and Carter. She’d never seen before that their relationships were such a complicated triangle. The revelations about her and Carter’s misconceptions about each other also had an effect on her. Grace suddenly felt as if a door had opened to reveal secrets that might give closure to the past.
“I wasn’t sure that becoming a father would make a difference to Benson. When Madison was about two, I started to think Benson was getting a little restless. Like he wanted and needed something else. Like...I wasn’t doing it for him anymore. I even asked him if he wanted a divorce. That sort of shook him up, and he said no. Shortly after that, I got pregnant with Rebecca. But deep in my heart, I knew that having another baby was only a Band-Aid on a bigger wound. I knew I couldn’t keep up with him.”
“I’m sorry,” Carter said quietly. “I had no idea. Which makes what happened three years ago so unreal, doesn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“When I found you alone and crying after the service for Benson, you looked like your heart had been broken, and I felt it was proof positive of how much you loved him. Then you lost him.”
She grimaced ruefully. “I never had Benson. You don’t hold someone like him. I never really belonged to him. Maybe I wanted something from him he couldn’t give. Maybe, after a few years and a couple of kids, he felt the same way. But I don’t believe in looking back, Carter. I’m not still in mourning.”
“I wanted to be sure.”
“How come?”
“That day when I tried to comfort you, I knew that the timing couldn’t have been worse. I finally got a chance to show a little of how I felt, and your husband had just passed away. Was I just Benson’s best friend or could I be your friend? Maybe take it from there. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Grace felt disoriented by Carter’s admission. Suddenly, every word, every action in their time together lately fell into place and began to make sense. Benson’s mother had seen more three years ago than she could have realized.
“I...don’t know what to say.”
He leaned across the table. “How about, for starters, that I’m not making a fool of myself. That it’s not too late, or a big mistake.”
There was something poignant and vulnerable about his honesty.
“I’m a little nervous and confused, but I think you’re on to something,” Grace quietly confessed.
“It took three years for me to get up the courage to say something. I know you didn’t feel the same way.”
“Do you think Benson knew how you felt?” she asked, suddenly horrified at the thought.
“I would have broken off the friendship if I thought I couldn’t keep it to myself. I didn’t want to hurt Benson or you.”
She shook her head in amazement. “But to stay silent for all those years.”
“Until now,” Carter quietly reminded her.
“Is everything okay here?” The waiter’s overly cheerful voice broke into their mutual reflection and brought Grace and Carter back to the present. “Can I get you anything else?”
“No, this is good,” Carter reassured the young man. He glanced at Grace. “This is very good.”
By the time they left the restaurant, Grace felt as if everything had changed and the world looked different. She was giddy and disoriented, her head spinning with Carter’s revelations. She felt awkward and shy and exposed. Carter had tapped into something between them that she had only begun to question herself. But she wasn’t there, yet.
They left the restaurant, and he took her hand.
“Don’t say anything right now.”
“I can’t,” she agreed, bemused.
“I guess I could have planned this better. Maybe I should have said something sooner. Maybe waited until I’d already moved here. I hate that I have to leave you like this.”
Grace smiled kindly at him. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Carter, but I’m glad you have to go back to Chicago for a while.”
He looked a little grim, but stoic. “Got it.” He nodded.
She waited in numb silence while he hailed a cab for her and paid the driver to return her to her office. They faced each other suddenly like total strangers. But she finally realized how much courage it had taken for Carter to come forth with his feelings about her. And how much more it had taken for him to remain silent for eight years. Despite that spontaneous but electrifying encounter between them, Carter had never taken advantage of her. She stood before him now, appreciating and admiring the risk he’d taken. He had shown strength of character and had opened his heart. Could she do any less?
Grace took a tentative step toward Carter and raised her arms for a hug. It was gentle and comforting, and took them back to that time and place when the moment called for understanding.
“Have a safe trip,” Grace said softly. “Hurry back.”
* * *
“Thank you so much for understanding. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more warning, but something came up, and I have to stay in the city a little longer this afternoon.”
Grace, on the phone with her babysitter, felt a little uneasy about having to change her children’s routine. It was rare that she was forced to rearrange her schedule and theirs, and it was always work-related, something that she had to accommodate when necessary. Yet going into emergency backup mode for Carter Morrison struck her as not only out of character, but pretty spur-of-the-moment. Her life was not geared to spontaneity, or to taking chances. Grace realized she was making concessions for him that she hadn’t made for any other man since Benson.
Why?
“I’ve already spoken with the children’s grandmother, and she’ll pick them up at your place at the time I normally would,” Grace informed the babysitter. “Here’s her name and phone number....”
Why not? she thought.
Because with Carter, she could talk about more than Playstation and Toy Story dolls, she thought, realizing how limited