The Mince Pie Mix-Up. Jennifer Joyce
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‘Is it morning, Daddy?’
Daddy?
Judy looked down at the increasingly uncomfortable dressing gown, pulling it tightly across her body, and realised she was wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts underneath.
Boxer shorts?
Slowly peeling away the dressing gown again, she gasped when she caught sight of the hairy belly and even hairier chest beneath the fabric. And her legs! What the hell had happened to her legs? Yes, it was winter and she wasn’t quite as razor-happy as she was in the warmer months but she looked like a Yeti.
‘Can I go and watch cartoons?’ Charlie asked.
‘Yes, sweetie.’ Judy clamped a hand over her mouth, shocked by the voice emerging from her lips. It was gruff but not in a first-thing-in-the-morning, bottom-of-hamster-cage sort of way. It was not her voice at all. It was a man’s voice.
‘Yay!’ Charlie bounded down the stairs, not at all concerned that her mother had spouted an alarming amount of body hair overnight and adopted a man-ish tone.
With shaking fingers, Judy pulled the waistband of the boxer shorts away from her body, wincing as it snapped back into place once she saw what was in there. That did not belong in there at all.
‘Da-ad!’ Charlie hollered up the stairs. ‘What’s happened to the Christmas tree?’
Judy’s eyes widened. The Christmas tree!
The fairy had catapulted into the tree, knocking it to the floor and scattering its pine needles. But that was a dream.
Wasn’t it?
‘Just leave it, sweetie. I’ll sort it out in a minute.’ Judy covered her face with her hands. That was definitely a man’s voice coming out of her mouth. Specifically, her husband’s.
‘What’s up with Mum?’ Scott asked as he emerged from the bathroom. Judy sighed with relief. So Scott could see it too. She wasn’t going mad and imagining things! ‘She usually gets up with us. Are you taking me to football?’
‘I don’t know,’ Judy said in Calvin’s voice. ‘I don’t know what’s going on.’
‘Okay.’ Scott gave Judy a funny look. ‘Whatever. I’m going downstairs.’
‘Don’t touch the tree,’ Judy said before dashing into the bedroom and heading straight to the dressing table mirror. An anguished cry escaped her as she saw the image looking back at her. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real.
Judy crept towards the bed, releasing another anguished cry as she saw the body sprawled out in the bed. Instead of her husband, she saw herself. Man, she looked rough first thing in the morning.
‘Calvin,’ she hissed, shaking his – her – body. ‘Calvin, wake up. Something’s happened.’
‘What?’ Judy watched as her body propped itself up on its elbow and rubbed at its eyes. It threw back its head and flung open its jaws to yawn. Yep, there were her fillings.
‘Calvin!’ Judy hissed again, eager to get this mess sorted out.
‘What do you want?’ Calvin asked in Judy’s voice. He opened his eyes and shook his head as he took in his own image staring back at him. ‘What the –’
‘We’ve switched bodies.’ Judy sank onto the bed and grasped Calvin’s – or rather or her own – arm. Gosh, this was confusing. ‘I had a dream. We were visited by an overgrown fairy.’
‘She woke us up,’ Calvin said slowly.
‘Yes!’ Judy’s eyes almost popped out of her skull. ‘Yes, that’s right! She appeared in our sitting room. Crashed into the tree.’
‘We ate a burnt mince pie and we made a wish,’ Calvin said. It started to come back to Calvin then, slowly at first and then rushing at him and knocking the breath from his body. The row. The peculiar winged being destroying their Christmas tree. The wish to swap lives. The fairy had said they could switch lives – live as one another – until Christmas Day. All they had to do to make it happen was eat one of those dodgy mince pies.
‘Up to Christmas Day?’ Judy had asked. ‘Or including Christmas Day? It’s just that Calvin would never be able to handle the turkey and everything. We’d end up having a not-very-festive plate of egg and chips for lunch if it was left to him.’
‘Hey!’ Calvin had cried. ‘I can handle a bloody turkey. All you have to do is shove it in the oven.’
Judy and the fairy had shared a look. ‘Up until Christmas then.’ The fairy gave a decisive nod of her head. ‘You’ll spend Christmas Eve as the other person, then you’ll switch back in time for the big day.’
So they didn’t trust him with the bloody turkey. ‘Isn’t Christmas two weeks away?’
The fairy had turned to Calvin with a sweet smile, her eyes twinkling like a set of fairy lights. ‘Don’t you think you could handle two weeks of Judy’s life, Petal?’
‘Handle it?’ Calvin had snorted with derision. ‘It’ll be like a holiday. Bring. It. On.’
‘Then wish it. Say “I wish we could swap lives”. Both of you. Then take a bite of the mince pie.’
Judy and Calvin had looked at one another before they both uttered the words. ‘I wish we could both switch lives.’
But that wasn’t real. It couldn’t have been real.
‘Look, Calvin.’ Calvin’s replica pointed to the other end of the room, at the large mirror on Judy’s dressing table. The image of Calvin and Judy stared back at them in the wrong order. ‘I’m you. And you’re me. The wish came true. We’ve switched bodies.’
Chapter Five: The First Stage in Wish-Fulfilment: Denial
Calvin gave a snort and threw back the covers. Switched bodies indeed. What a load of nonsense! Yes, he did appear to be wearing Judy’s penguin-print fleecy pyjamas (that he’d never found particularly sexy on his wife and which he suspected were even less appealing on him). And yes, his voice was a bit squeaky and feminine, but there was no way he had switched bodies with his wife. It was a ludicrous idea!
‘Look at the state of me. I’m so hairy,’ Judy-in-Calvin’s-body wailed as she looked down at her bare chest.
Calvin ignored the hysterics as he made his way towards the dressing table mirror. There would be some explanation. Some trickery. Some way to put an end to this charade. He reached out and touched the glass but the mirror seemed real enough. He frowned. Judy frowned in the reflection. He stuck his tongue out. Judy stuck her tongue out. He stretched the corners of his lips with his thumbs, baring his teeth while tugging down on the skin underneath his eyes with his index fingers. Judy pulled the same face back at him.
‘No, no, no.’ Calvin stepped away from the mirror, shaking his head. Judy stepped away from her side of the mirror, shaking her head. ‘This can’t be real. This is insane! People don’t wish for things that come true. Not crazy shit like this.’ He turned to Judy, who was inspecting the contents of her shorts and curling her lip in distaste. ‘They might wish for a promotion that they then rightfully earn. But they do not wish to change lives with their wife and end up in her body. Judy! Stop playing with my knob and take this seriously.’
‘Sorry.’ Judy let go of the waistband of the shorts and turned her attention to her husband. She had never seen herself looking so terrified. It was unsettling.
‘This is nuts, Judy.’
Judy thought about the nuts that were currently attached to her body and nestled in her shorts. This was by far the craziest dream