I'll Be Home For Christmas. Abbey Clancy
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I was right – someone had been making toast in here. That calmed me down – it seemed very unlikely that a burglar had crept in and popped a couple of slices of wholemeal under the grill while he cased the joint. What calmed me down even more was the fact that the butter was still out – which meant it was probably Daniel.
Much as he is nigh on perfect, he does still suffer from some male traits – like leaving everything scattered over the kitchen counter whenever he’s used it.
I popped the pack back in the fridge – I was my mother’s daughter after all – and crept back through to the living room to check my phone. Sure enough, there were seven missed calls, from both his landline at the farmhouse, and from his mobile.
I was instantly flooded with guilt and regret. I’d been a mean girl, retreating into my shell just because things hadn’t been perfect. It was silly and immature and not the way I wanted to behave. I was suddenly so glad he was here, and slipped off my stupidly high sandals and walked into the bedroom.
He was just a lump under the duvet, but as soon as I entered the room, he shuffled around and sat up. His chest was bare and his blond hair was sticking out at all kinds of strange angles, and he looked totally edible. I froze for a second, feeling ashamed of myself, and also wondering if he was properly awake, because he was looking very confused.
‘Nice hammer,’ he said, squinting at me and wiping his blue eyes clear of sleep.
‘Oh!’ I said, throwing it to the floor. ‘I’d forgotten I had it. . .’
He pulled the covers back, and patted the other side of the bed in invitation. I didn’t need asking more than once, and immediately climbed in and snuggled up against him. We were both quiet for a few moments, settling into the familiar shape of each other’s body, my head laid against his chest, his lips kissing the top of my hair. It felt so good – so natural, and safe, and right, to be back home in more ways than one.
‘Good night?’ he asked, his hands stroking my shoulder reassuringly. I realized that I needed the reassurance – that I had been worried about seeing him again. About whether we’d done any permanent damage, intentionally or not.
‘Great night. I was out with Neale and . . . a friend of his. We played strip darts. Well, they did. I retained my dignity.’
‘I’m glad to hear it. I’ve seen you play darts, I think that pub down the road from our college still has holes in the wall to prove it. You OK? I got worried when I didn’t hear back from you, so I headed here. I needed to tell you in person how sorry I am, about the Jack thing. I know—’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said, interrupting him, squeezing him tight. ‘None of it matters. I’m just glad you’re here. I didn’t feel right without you.’
‘It does matter, and I need to say it. You know I’d never intend to hurt you, but on top of you seeing Jack like you did, which must have been a shock, you were left feeling like I’d somehow let you down. And I had – even if I did what I thought at the time was the right thing. We shouldn’t have secrets from each other. It’s like keeping secrets from yourself, isn’t it?’
I nodded, and held on to him even harder. He was right – and he hadn’t been the only one keeping secrets, had he? I hadn’t planned on raising the Cooper Black issue tonight – or possibly ever, depending on what I decided to do – but suddenly I felt like I should. I realized that keeping it from him had been eating away at me, and definitely contributing more to the ‘ick’ feeling than I’d given it credit for.
Daniel and I have something special, and hiding things was disrespectful to that. My mum and dad had survived decades, three kids, and a lifetime of hard work – and they’d done it together. If I wanted the same kind of relationship they had, I couldn’t just ignore the difficult stuff and bury my head in the sand. Or even a bottle of tequila.
‘You’re right,’ I said, ‘and there’s something else I need to tell you.’
I felt him tense slightly next to me, and realized how worrying that might sound to a boyfriend whose girl had gone AWOL for the night after an almost-fight.
‘No, nothing like that, I’d never! It’s a work thing, I suppose. I’ve had a proposal from Cooper Black.’
‘Oh. That’s a bit sudden. I can’t blame him for loving you, Jessy, but have you ever even met the guy?’
‘Not that kind of proposal, stupid!’ I replied, poking him in the ribs. He knew that, obviously – he was just trying to lighten the mood. Make things easier for me. One of the many reasons I loved him so very much.
‘He contacted me, and said he wants me to work with him. Do a feature slot on his new single. What do you think?’
Daniel was silent for a few moments – he’s not the kind of person to respond without thinking, unlike me. He’s far more measured and, I suspect, basically intelligent. I sometimes feel like I’m just a set of emotions on legs.
‘Well, I think it’s a great idea,’ he said eventually. I looked up from my nest on his chest, and saw that he was staring off into the distance, chewing his lip, and looking serious. He was thinking through the implications, so I jumped right in – I’d been thinking about them for a lot longer than he had, after all, so I had a head start.
‘I was worried about leaving you. And leaving Vogue. And leaving my family.’
He pondered it for a few more seconds, then said: ‘Well, why would you need to leave us? If it’s just a featuring, then you wouldn’t even need to do it with him, in the States. He could just send over the track and we could record your part at In Vogue, or at home. You’re finishing off your album anyway, so we’ll be practically living in the studio for the next few weeks. It’d be easy. You could do it in your pyjamas.’
‘You really think so?’ I asked, hopefully, propping myself up on one arm so I could see his face properly. Daniel is a terrible liar, which is very much to his credit, and I knew I’d be able to tell if he was bluffing. Happily, he just had his ‘figuring out the solution’ face on, not his ‘covering up bullshit’ face.
‘Yeah, of course. From what I’ve heard, he’s going to be massive. I know the people he’s been working with, and they’re quality. This could be the biggest single of the year, and if you have the chance to be part of it, you should.’
‘But what if it’s more?’ I asked, hearing all the tensions and underlying anxieties pour out in my voice. ‘What if I have to go there to do promo, or launches, or a tour? What if it all grows and grows and turns into a giant octopus that eats all my free time and takes me away from you? It only feels like we’ve been together for five minutes, and we’re just settling into life, and I don’t want to leave you all alone with Gandalf!’
He stared at me, at my frowning expression and hurried words, and did what any sensible person would – burst out laughing.
He sat up, and took my face between his hands, stroking my skin in a way that wasn’t just reassuring, but was starting to be quite distracting. Because, you know, my Daniel is also super-fit – and lying naked in my bed.
‘Jessy,’ he said, firmly, ‘I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I have enough belief in this relationship that I’m not even remotely scared by Cooper Black, or you spending time away, or by a giant octopus. Besides, I have a lot of stuff coming up as well. Vella’s asked me to do her whole album with her. She wants to come and stay at the studio, and get some musicians in, and lay the whole thing down live. That’s another thing I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.’
I had, I realized, been acting like a total knob. I’d been worrying myself sick about something that might never even happen, and even if it did happen, not having the faith in me and Daniel to feel OK about it. And I’d been so caught up in my own worries that it never even occurred to me that this was a challenge for him as well – he had his own career to think about, a brilliant career. The whole world didn’t revolve around me.
I’d