Essential Dads. Dr. Jennifer M. Randles
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well-being and “spoiling [his] son with attention and quality time.”
Providing this time and attention meant facing the omnipresent threat of violence, death, and incarceration these men faced. The realization that staying alive and being around for one’s children were accomplishments and forms of provision was a catalyst for changing their lives. Ambitions of being responsible fathers who continued to defy these odds motivated them to change into the kind of people they aspired to be. This came up in the third focus group I conducted when men discussed the meanings of responsibility they were learning in DADS:
| RODRIGO | (nineteen, multiracial, expectant father): A daddy is a sperm donor who just hits it and leaves, but a father is responsible. |
| JAMES | (nineteen, multiracial, father of two): We sit here and talk about ways to become better dads and how some dads do nothing. Dudes make babies and just leave their babies with the moms, and somebody else comes and takes responsibility. |
| XEO | (twenty-one, Black, father of one): Responsible fathers play a direct role in taking care of a child. |
| JAMES: | Right, a good dad is a person who’s there to provide and protect and love their family when they need it. |
| RODRIGO: | Yeah, we’re always talking here about how a father balances that with the ability to show them affection, to show them love from their father. It’s not the same as love from the mother. |
| JAMES: | Right, man, you got to be there to provide anything you can when you can and not just money but love, basically everything that a child needs. A dad should be there to provide for them, and they should want to be there. |
| XEO: | Right on! It’s just actually being there, being present, taking care of duties. |
| JAMES | (interrupting in agreement): Through play time, bath time, all that time with your kids. |
| RODRIGO | (interjecting excitedly): Yes, actively do everything! |
| MANUEL | (nineteen, Latino, father of one): That’s why I consider myself a good dad because any chance to be with my daughter I spend with her. |
| RODRIGO: | You got it, man! [DADS] is teaching us that being a father is that whole other mindset, another mentality entirely. It changes who you are. It has to change you. [Everyone nods in agreement]. |
| JAMES: | Everything about you—moneywise, who you hang around, the stuff you do, dropping a lot of the stuff you used to do—you got to change it all. |
| MANUEL: | I would be at home doing nothing without my baby. |
| JAMES: | And I’d be in the streets kicking it if I didn’t have my kids. When she was born in the hospital, they put that ink on her feet. They put her footprints on my shirt. Right then, right there, I’m thinking, “Damn, I got to start doing something right now. Everything has to change. Everybody I hang out with got to go.” |
| MANUEL | (shaking his head and sighing in deep agreement): The only thing that stops me from being a better dad is not being able to live with my daughter. I got to change that. |
| XEO: | I have chills right now. [JR: Why?] They’re in my head. They’re talking about what I’m going through, what I’m living through with my kids. |
A consensus emerged around the belief that responsible fatherhood necessitated a fundamental shift in how men spent their time, who they spent it with, and essentially how and why they were living. DADS helped men redefine fatherhood and fathers’ value to children in emotionally resonant ways that made sense given their social and economic constraints. By validating this multifaceted understanding of responsibility, namely the idea that “good providers” offer their unique love, care, and time, DADS gave men conceptual tools to make claims about their moral worth as responsible parents. This allowed men to understand and justify their paternal involvement in nonfinancial ways. Beyond this, it helped them develop and claim a high-status paternal identity not grounded in the exclusionary white middle-class breadwinner ideology. Program messages co-opted the language of provision to challenge the notion that responsible fatherhood requires race and class privileges. In doing so, they helped men resolve identity challenges rooted in fears of being failed fathers.
Hence “being there” was not just about presence. It was about becoming and being a different kind of person who put their children first in terms of money, time, and identity. A responsible father is someone who identifies foremost as a provider, protector, and teacher of his children. Living up to this identity entails changing into a person worthy of these responsibilities, a goal that drove many men to DADS. Alex, a twenty-four-year-old Latino father of one, described in another focus group to passionate nods of agreement how society expects so little of poor fathers of color: “It would be easy to walk away from being a dad and confirm all those stereotypes. But we’re here, we’re students, we’re making money, which can take us away from our families. We’re trying to actually take that step forward and raise a kid in spite of all of it.” To Alex and his fellow participants, being there as responsible fathers involved more than just being around. It required defying racist, classist, and gendered labels about who they fundamentally were and what they were capable of for the sake of their children. “Being there” meant not confirming stereotypes about men of color being mere “sperm donors” who “just hit it and leave,” even when others believed that was all they were fit to do.
Like James, who felt changed the moment his daughter’s footprints were stamped on his shirt, most men described becoming fathers as the most profound experience of their lives. This was true even for those whose children were unplanned. Children’s existence—and their fathers’ reckoning with such an awe-inspiring responsibility—altered the fathers and their sense of self, despite how much they were able to see their kids. Peter, a twenty-three-year-old Black father of two, did not find out he was a father until his oldest son turned a year old. This discovery filled a void in his life and in his identity: “I prayed for this child. I just wanted someone that I can love, support, and everything. My son filled a hole. . . . A good dad is a provider. He also knows how to relate to his child. He always knows what the child is doing, what they can do, what they can’t, their personality.” This deep knowledge of his son gave Peter’s life meaning it was missing before. Unfortunately, that was tempered by the reality that he barely saw his children after their mother got a new boyfriend. “It’s been three weeks since I last saw them, and when I leave, I don’t know when I’m seeing them again.” This uncertainty devastated Peter, but it did not undermine his motivation or identity as a parent. He concluded after describing to me the pain of separation from his children: “You still got to wake up. Either way it goes, you’re a father.” For Peter, being there as a responsible dad meant persevering in the face of extreme hardship and having someone to love unconditionally, someone whose mere existence rendered you valuable despite any personal, social, or economic shortcomings. This life purpose was a gift, one that fathers believed they were beholden to give back by being there in mind, body, and spirit. As men talked about what they believed fathers should provide for their children, they also revealed what children provided for them: a sense of purpose and a vicarious upward mobility.18
BRIDGING THE GAP BETWEEN IDENTITY AND INVOLVEMENT
Although almost all the men told me they identified as good fathers committed to being there for their children, many were involved much less than they wanted. Several indicated that participating in DADS was a way of “being there” because it meant they were working to improve their parenting skills, employability, and coparenting relationships. This aspirational