Men on Strike. Helen Smith
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no meddling censor or nervous advertiser can come between him and his desires. . . . Contemporary undomesticated SY maledom appears in its darkest form in the person of Tucker Max, whose eponymous website is a favorite among his peers. . . . Crudity is at the heart of the child-man persona—the bad-boy tone epitomizes his refusal to grow up—but Max remains fixated on his penis and his “dumps” like a toddler stuck somewhere around the oedipal stage.14
Another of these books on the decline of men is Hanna Rosin’s The End of Men and the Rise of Women, which is frankly the most matronizing of all of these books.15 Rosin’s main thesis is that women have pulled ahead of men in many areas of society and are able to adapt and be flexible at home and work in ways that men cannot. In fact, in her book she refers to the “Plastic Woman” who is able to bend and do everything at once and who is climbing the ladder past men. These loser men are referred to as “Cardboard Men,” who are apparently inflexible and unable to adapt to the new world order.
What she doesn’t mention is that this new world order is a place where men are discriminated against, forced into a hostile environment in school and later in college, and held in contempt by society—and for the honor, are expected to conform to a society for women only. What she calls inflexibility is men rejecting her and other feminists’ suggestions that they become more like women. She has no clue how men really feel or why they behave the way they do, nor does she seem to care.
Case in point: Even her young son is appalled at the title of her book. In an interview with The Daily Beast, we learn the following:
There are a few things that happen when you attempt to travel the streets of New York with a bright yellow book that screams The End of Men under your arm. First, you get a lot of inquisitive stares. Some people snicker. When you accidentally leave the book on the counter of your morning coffee shop, the man who returns it to you points to the cover, giggles, and does a little jig.
But if you are the author of a book called The End of Men—with a man for a husband and a boy for a child—you get sticky notes left on your bedroom door. “My 6-year-old, to whom the book is dedicated, writes things like, ‘Only bullies write books called The End of Men,’” says author Hanna Rosin, whose 2010 Atlantic essay turned 310-page book hit stands this week. She clarifies: “He’s learning about bullying in school.”16
It seems that Rosin’s young son, Jacob, has a better grasp of gender relations than this “celebrated” feminist who doesn’t have a clue. Yes, Jacob, mommy is a bully, and maybe when you grow up, you will lead the revolution that teaches bullies like your mom that men are not defective girls.
How are men going to grow up and relate well to women if women don’t seem to like them?
Clowns, failures, unmotivated and child-men: With friends like the authors mentioned, who needs enemies? Publishers and women complain that men don’t read self-help or relationship books, but after reading these books, who can blame them? How many women would buy books where women were made out to be failure-to-launch goofballs who couldn’t carry their own weight? I do think that some of these books have merit and are at least attempting to shed light on male development, and a couple of these books even include interviews with actual men. However, they do so in a way that is unflattering to men to say the least and they reinterpret men’s behavior to give credence to their views of men as uncivilized, verbally stunted semibarbarians who refuse to do what society expects of them: Marry women and shut the hell up!
These books treat men and their behavior as the problem, but that’s superficial. The real question is: What is it about our society that has made growing up seem so unattractive to these men?
Maybe there is no incentive to grow up anymore. It used to be that being a grown-up, responsible man was rewarded with respect, power and deference. Now you get much less of that, if any at all. You have spent much of your youth confronted with “Boys Are Stupid” T-shirts, listened in health class as you are told you are a potential rapist, had your girlfriend talk about “cutting off your balls” without a thought and, of course, there were no repercussions. By college, you realize that the hostility is coming at you like a knife.
And as you get older, it only gets worse, and the younger guys know it. As a post-college man, you are now seen by the media as a buffoon, a potential pervert, a bumbling dad—if not a deadbeat—and your wife gives you a death stare if you don’t satisfy her every whim.17 You might even have a child and find out later that it’s not yours, yet you still have to pay up. In short, you are a sucker if you grow up and fulfill what society now expects of the average married male. You have few rights and even less dignity. And what about the perks if you don’t get married and grow up? It turns out that there are many, as I discovered with a little digging.
First off, if you live with your girlfriend, research shows you might be happier than if you got married. A Men’s Health article mentioned one such study that followed 2,737 people for six years and found that cohabiters said they were happier and more confident than married couples and singles.18 Live-in girlfriends even stay thinner on average than wives.19 There are many reasons that those living together are happier than married couples, such as “cohabiters tend to have fewer expectations on each other, nixing unwanted obligations.”20
This means that men who live with girlfriends rather than get married may not be taken for granted as often, as it seems that married women often treat their husbands more like the hired help than an equal partner. Men who are married tend to see their friends and family less often, which can harm their self-esteem.21 Marriage is also more likely to end in financial risk for a man if he is divorced. And just as important, the psychological risks for men in marriage are greater than they were in the past. Women are told constantly by society that they are “empowered” and this often translates into a man working, earning a living, helping with the housework and being relegated to the basement while the rest of the family enjoys the entire house. Does he get rewarded for this behavior? No, he is often second to his wife, the kids and even the dog. Hence, all the “doghouse” references that reinforce the idea that if he doesn’t buck up and do what society and the wife expect of him, punishment will follow.22 Though it seems funny, it’s not. Society has stacked the deck against men in modern marriage, and the guys know it.
Ultimately, society is asking men to do something that is going against their own interests. Their lives as single men are fulfilling, happy and, if not respected, at least envied by their married brethren. Life as a married man is often difficult with few perks and little in the way of respect or rights. The discrepancy between the life of the freer, single man and the life of the less respected, less free life of the married man is at the heart of why so many men have gone on strike. This discrepancy between the perks of single life and the punishment of married life for men has become wider in modern times given the unequal legal terms, cultural empowerment for married women—but not men—and the lack of reproductive rights that men face in comparison to their female counterparts.
WHY MEN DON’T MARRY—FROM THE MAN’S PERSPECTIVE
As I sifted through these men-are-losers with-a-twist books, I found that a major flaw with many of them is that they lack a man’s perspective—even if they were written by a man. They theorize about why men don’t want to marry or they look at stereotypical books and magazines such as Maxim that make guys out to be horndogs—nothing wrong with that, but men are more than their sexual urges—as a lens to evaluate men’s lack of enthusiasm for whisking a woman away in matrimonial bliss. But using Maxim and guys like hook-up artist Tucker Max—or even digging up hard-partying frat guys as examples of normal men and their feelings about marriage—is like using Sex in the City, Cosmo or sorority girls to describe all women’s views of relationships. It’s rather narrow.
And even if researchers do interview men, the media, journalists or the researchers themselves often apply negative interpretations to the reasons that men do not want to grow up and get married. They still seem to think that marriage and the concept of being grownup has something to offer men. But when you look at the behavior and misinterpret the reasons behind it, the truth still remains elusive.