The Collected Works of Anton Chekhov: Plays, Novellas, Short Stories, Diary & Letters. Anton Chekhov
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(to Merchutkin): Excuse me, what is all this about? I don’t understand.
Tatiana: In love? Aha! He blushed!
Shipuchin (to his wife): Tanyusha darling, just go into the office for half a minute. I’ll come immediately.
Tatiana: Very well, dear. (Exit.)
Shipuchin: I don’t understand. You’ve evidently made a mistake, Madame. Your application does not concern us at all. Just give yourself the trouble to apply to the government department in which your husband worked.
Merchutkin: Kind sir, I have been there already five months, and they won’t take in the application. I nearly went out of my head, but luckily my son-in-law Boris advised me to come to you. “Mama,” he said, “apply to Mr. Shipuchin; he’s an influential man and can do anything.” Help me, your excellency!
Shipuchin: We can’t do anything for you, Mrs. Merchutkin. Do you understand — your husband, as far as I can judge, served in the Army Medical Department, but this is a perfectly private commercial establishment; this is a bank. Surely you understand?
Merchutkin: Your excellency, I have a doctor’s certificate about my husband’s illness. Here it is, please look at it——
Shipuchin (irritably): Certainly; I believe you; but, once again, this does not concern us. (Off, Tatiana’s laugh, followed by male laughter.)
Shipuchin (looking through the door): She’s disturbing the clerks out there. (To Merchutkin.) It’s curious; it’s quite ridiculous. Does your husband really not know where you should apply?
Merchutkin: Your excellency, I must tell you, he knows nothing! He keeps on saying, “It’s not your business; go away!” That’s all!
Shipuchin: Once again, Madame — Your husband served in the Army Medical Department, and this is a bank, a private commercial establishment.
Merchutkin: Oh, yes, yes, yes, I understand, kind sir. In that case, your excellency, tell them to give me just a little. I’m quite willing not to take it all at once.
Shipuchin (sighs): Ugh!
Hirin: Mr. Shipuchin, I shall never finish the report like this.
Shipuchin: One moment! (To Merchutkin.) I can’t explain it to you, you see. Now please understand that to come to us with an application like this is as strange as to apply for a divorce, say, at a chemist’s or an assay-office. (A knock at the door, and Tatiana’s voice : “Andrew, may I come in?”)
Shipuchin (calls out): Wait a second, darling; one second! (To Merchutkin.) They didn’t pay you, but what have we got to do with it? Besides, Madame, we have a jubilee to-day and we’re busy — and at any moment someone might come — Excuse me.
Merchutkin: Your excellency, take pity on me, an orphan. I am a weak, defenceless woman. I'm worried to death. What with law-cases with the lodgers and trouble on account of my husband and running about with the housework, and then my son-in-law still without a position——
Shipuchin: Mrs. Merchutkin, I — no, excuse me, I can’t talk to you! My head’s quite dizzy. You’re disturbing us, and wasting our time for nothing. (Sighs; aside.) I know what’ll stop her, or I’m not Shipuchin! (To Hirin.) Mr. Hirin! Please explain to Mrs. Merchutkin. (Waves his hand, and goes out.)
Hirin (approaches her roughly): What can I do for you?
Merchutkin: I am a weak, defenceless woman. Perhaps I look strong, but if you come to examine me I've not got a single healthy vein in me! I can hardly stand on my legs, and my appetite's quite gone. This morning I drank my coffee without any pleasure.
Hirin: I ask you, what can I do for you?
Merchutkin: Kind sir, tell them to give me just a little, and let the rest wait a few months.
Hirin: It seems to me, you were told in plain language — this is a bank!
Merchutkin: Yes, yes; and if it’s needed I can produce a medical certificate.
Hirin: What have you got on your shoulders, a head, or what?
Merchutkin: Dear gentleman, I’m only asking for my legal rights. I don’t want anything of anybody else’s.
Hirin: I ask you, Madame, what have you got on your shoulders, a head, or what? Oh, Lord! I’ve no time to talk to you. I'm busy. (Points to the door.) Please!
Merchutkin (surprised): And the money?
Hirin: What it comes to is this — you haven't got a head on your shoulders, but—— (Raps his finger on the table, and then on his forehead.)
Merchutkin (watching him): What! Oh, that won’t do! That won’t do! Do that to your own wife! You don’t do that to me!
Hirin (angrily; shouting): Get out of it!
Merchutkin: That won’t do! That won’t do! I’m not afraid of you! We’ve seen your sort before! Creature!
Hirin (shouting): I don’t think in all my life I ever saw anything so repugnant. Ugh! It’s going to my head! (Breathes with difficulty.) I’ll tell you again! Are you listening? If you don’t go away from here, you old witch, I’ll grind you to powder! I’ve got such a character, that I could make a cripple of you for life! I can commit a crime!
Merchutkin: “The dog barks, the wind blows it away.” I’m not frightened. We’ve seen your sort before.
Hirin (in despair): I can’t look at her! I feel ill! I can’t! (Goes to table and sits down.) They fill the bank with women — I can’t write the report. I can’t!
Merchutkin: I don’t want anything of anybody else’s, I only want my legal rights. Oh, you shameless man! To sit here in slippers! You yokel! (Enter Shipuchin, followed by Tatiana.)
Tatiana: In the evening we went to Berejnitski’s. Kate was wearing a blue foulard frock, a little decolleté, and she had her hair done very high. I combed her myself. And the way she was dressed and had her hair done, well, it was simply enchanting——
Shipuchin (with a headache): Yes, yes, enchanting — They might be here at any moment.
Merchutkin: Your excellency!
Shipuchin (dejected): What is it? What do you want?
Merchutkin (pointing to Hirin): Your excellency, that man, that man there, he tapped his finger on his forehead and then on the table! You told him to look after my business, and he makes fun of every word. I’m a weak, defenceless woman——
Shipuchin: Very well, Madame, I’m considering it. I will take measures. Go away now. Afterwards—— (Aside.) My gout’s beginning.
Hirin (quietly to Shipuchin): Mr. Shipuchin, tell them to send for the porter, and let her be thrown out by the scruff of the neck.
Shipuchin (frightened): No, no! She’d start to scream, and there are a lot of people in the house.
Merchutkin: Your excellency!
Hirin (in a mournful voice): And I’ve got to write the report! I haven’t time! (Returns to the table.) I can’t!
Merchutkin: Your excellency, when can I have it? I need the money to-day.
Shipuchin (aside, angrily): Re — mark — ab — ly horrible woman! (Softly, to her.) Madame, I’ve told you already. This is a bank, a private, commercial establishment.
Merchutkin: Be kind to me, your excellency; be a father to me! If the medical certificate isn’t enough, I can produce a certificate from the police. Tell them to give me the money.
Shipuchin (sighs heavily): Ugh!