The Collected Works of Anton Chekhov: Plays, Novellas, Short Stories, Diary & Letters. Anton Chekhov
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excellency”? I’m not a general, I’m a second-grade captain, and that’s lower than a colonel.
Newnin (shouts in his ear): Oh, yes, yes, I know, but allow us to call you “your excellency”! The family here, you know, is patriarchal, it respects the aged, it loves respect for rank.
Revunov-Karayúlov: Well, if that’s the case, then by all means ! (They go to the table.) Extremely!
Nastasia: Take a seat, your excellency. Be so kind! Take something to eat, your excellency. Only excuse us, at home you must be used to everything elegant, but with us it’s all simple.
Revunov-Karayúlov (hearing badly): What? H’m — Oh, yes. (Pause.) Oh, yes. In the old times people always lived simply and were satisfied. I am a man with a certain rank and yet I live simply. To-day Andrew came to me and invited me to the wedding. “How can I go,” I said, “if I don’t know them? It’s not the proper thing.” But he said, “These are simple people, patriarchal, pleased to welcome guests.” “Well,” I said, “by all means, if that’s the case! Why not? Very glad. It’s dull for me at home alone, and if my presence at the wedding can cause any pleasure, so do me the favour,” said I.
Jigalov: You really mean it, your excellency? I esteem you for it. I’m a simple man myself, without any trickery, and I esteem such people. Take something to eat, your excellency.
Aplombov: You have been long retired, your excellency?
Revunov-Karayúlov: Eh? Oh, yes, yes, that’s so. True. Yes. But excuse me, what’s all this? Bitter herrings and bitter bread! One can’t eat anything!
All: Bitter! Bitter! (Aplombov and Dashenka kiss.)
Revunov-Karayúlov: Hee, hee, hee. Your healths (Pause.) Yes! In the old days all was simple and everyone was satisfied. I love simplicity. I’m an old man; I retired in ’65; I’m seventy-two years old. (Sees Mozgovy.) You’re a sailor, then?
Mozgovy: Yes, I am.
Revunov-Karayúlov: Aha! So! Yes! Service at sea was always hard. There are things to ponder and split your head about. Every insignificant word has, so to speak, its separate meaning. For instance — the fore-topman in the shrouds on the top-gallant lashings! What does that mean? A sailor understands! Hee, hee. Now where’s your mathematics!
Newnin: The health of his excellency, Captain Revunov-Karayúlov! (Band plays a flourish. “Hurrah.”)
Yat: Your excellency, you were pleased just now to express yourself on the subject of the hardness of naval service. But tell me if the telegraph’s any easier? Nowadays, your excellency, no one can enter the telegraph service unless he can read and write French and German. But the hardest thing we have to do is the transmission of telegrams. Terribly hard. Please listen a moment. (Raps with a fork on the table, imitating a telegraphic apparatus.)
Revunov-Karayúlov: What’s that?
Yat: That’s for: I esteem you, your excellency, for your virtues. You think it’s easy? And again. (Raps.)
Revunov-Karayúlov: Louder. I can’t hear you.
Yat: And that’s for: Madame, how happy I am to clasp you in my embraces!
Revunov-Karayúlov: What lady? Yes. (To Mozgovy.) And then, suppose it’s blowing half a gale and you’ve got — you’ve got to hoist the foretop halliards and the tops’l gallants. You must give the order: “Mount the rigging to the foretop halliards and the tops’l gallants,” and at the same time as they loose the sails on the stays, below they are standing to the main lashings and the tops’l gallant halliards ——
Master of Ceremonies (rising): Dear ladies and gentle——
Revunov-Karayúlov (breaking in) : Yes! A few other commands? Yes! To furl the foretop halliards and the tops’l gallants! Good? Now what does that mean, what’s the meaning of it? It’s very simple. To furl, you know, the foretop halliards and the tops’l gallants and hoist the mains’l — all at once! They must level the foretopmains and the tops’l gallant halliards on the hoist; at the same time, there’s the necessity of strengthening the braces of all the sails; and when the stays are taut and the braces raised all round, then the foretop halliards and the tops’l gallants, settling conformably with the direction of the wind——
Newnin: Your excellency, the host begs you to speak of something else. The guests don’t understand all this, and it’s dull.
Revunov-Karayúlov: What? Who’s dull? (To Mozgovy.) Young man, suppose the vessel is lying by the wind, on the starboard course, under full stretch of canvas, and you have to bring her over before the wind? What orders must you give? Why, this: Whistle all hands on deck for a tack across before the wind. Hee, hee!
Newnin: Yes, yes! Take something to eat.
Revunov-Karayúlov: Just as they all come running out, at once you give the command: “Stand to stations for a tack across before the wind!” Ah! That’s life! You give the order and watch how the sailors, like lightning, run to their places and adjust the lashings and the halliards. You finish by shouting out, “Bravo, my fine fellows.” (Shouts and chokes.)
Master of Ceremonies (hastens to take advantage of the probable pause): On this day, to-day, so to speak, on which we are collected together here to do honour to our beloved——
Revunov-Karayúlov (breaking in): Yes! Yes! And all this has to be remembered. For instance, halliard-royals, tops’l gallants——
Master of Ceremonies (offended): What’s he interrupting for? We can’t say a single word.
Nastasia: We ignorant people, your excellency, do not understand anything of this. But tell us instead something to please——
Revunov-Karayúlov (misunderstanding): I’ve just eaten some, thank you. You said “cheese,” did you not? Thank you. Yes! I was recalling old times. But certainly it’s fine, young man. “If you sail on the sea, you’ll know no care.” (With a trembling voice.) You recollect the delight of tacking in a gale? What seaman does not light up at the recollection of this manœuvre? The very moment the command resounds, “Pipe all hands aloft,” an electric spark seems to fly over everybody. From the commander to the lowest sailor — all tremble with excitement——
Zmewkin: O, how dull! How dull! (General murmur.)
Revunov-Karayúlov (misunderstanding): Thank you, I have had some. (With rapture.) Everyone gets ready and turns his eyes on the first officer. “Stand to the gallants and starboard tops’l braces, and the port main braces, and port counter-braces,” orders the first officer. All is accomplished in a moment; halliard royals and tops’l lashings heaved. All right on board! (Stands up.) Off flies the vessel in the wind and at last the sails begin to get wet. The first officer cries, “The braces, don’t dawdle at the braces,” and fixes his eyes on the maintop, and when at last the tops’l gets wet, at that moment the vessel begins to tack, and you hear the loud command, “Loose the maintop halliards, let go the braces,” then everything flies off with a crack — like the Tower of Babel — and all is accomplished without a fault. You’ve tacked!
Nastasia (bursting out): But, General, you’re being unpleasant! You ought to know better, at your age! You’re unpleasant!
Revunov-Karayúlov: Pheasant? No, I haven’t had any. Thank you.
Nastasia (loudly): I said, you’re being unpleasant! You ought to know better, at your age, General.
Newnin (agitated): Now, come — there, there. Really——
Revunov-Karayúlov: For the first thing, I’m not a general, but a second-grade captain, which corresponds on the list to a lieutenant-colonel——
Nastasia: Then, if you’re not a general, why did you take the money? And we didn’t pay you money