The Essential Chekhov: Plays, Short Stories, Novel & Biography. Anton Chekhov
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FIRST GUEST. What nonsense! The fact that you are a widow means nothing. You could beat any pretty girl you chose at a canter.
GABRIEL brings MARTHA some tea.
ZINAIDA. Why do you bring the tea in like that? Go and fetch some jam to eat with it!
MARTHA. No thank you; none for me, don’t trouble yourself. [A pause.]
FIRST GUEST. [To MARTHA] Did you come through Mushkine on your way here?
MARTHA. No, I came by way of Spassk. The road is better that way.
FIRST GUEST. Yes, so it is.
KOSICH. Two in spades.
GEORGE. Pass.
AVDOTIA. Pass.
SECOND GUEST. Pass.
MARTHA. The price of lottery tickets has gone up again, my dear. I have never known such a state of affairs. The first issue is already worth two hundred and seventy and the second nearly two hundred and fifty. This has never happened before.
ZINAIDA. How fortunate for those who have a great many tickets!
MARTHA. Don’t say that, dear; even when the price of tickets is high it does not pay to put one’s capital into them.
ZINAIDA. Quite true, and yet, my dear, one never can tell what may happen. Providence is sometimes kind.
THIRD GUEST. My impression is, ladies, that at present capital is exceedingly unproductive. Shares pay very small dividends, and speculating is exceedingly dangerous. As I understand it, the capitalist now finds himself in a more critical position than the man who ——
MARTHA. Quite right.
FIRST GUEST yawns.
MARTHA. How dare you yawn in the presence of ladies?
FIRST GUEST. I beg your pardon! It was quite an accident.
ZINAIDA gets up and goes out through the door on the right.
GEORGE. Two in hearts.
SECOND GUEST. Pass.
KOSICH. Pass.
MARTHA. [Aside] Heavens! This is deadly! I shall die of ennui.
Enter ZINAIDA and LEBEDIEFF through the door on the right.
ZINAIDA. Why do you go off by yourself like a prima donna? Come and sit with our guests!
[She sits down in her former place.]
LEBEDIEFF. [Yawning] Oh, dear, our sins are heavy! [He catches sight of MARTHA] Why, there is my little sugar-plum! How is your most esteemed highness?
MARTHA. Very well, thank you.
LEBEDIEFF. Splendid, splendid! [He sits down in an armchair] Quite right — Oh, Gabriel!
GABRIEL brings him a glass of vodka and a tumbler of water. He empties the glass of vodka and sips the water.
FIRST GUEST. Good health to you!
LEBEDIEFF. Good health is too much to ask. I am content to keep death from the door. [To his wife] Where is the heroine of this occasion, Zuzu?
KOSICH. [In a plaintive voice] Look here, why haven’t we taken any tricks yet? [He jumps up] Yes, why have we lost this game entirely, confound it?
AVDOTIA. [Jumps up angrily] Because, friend, you don’t know how to play it, and have no right to be sitting here at all. What right had you to lead from another suit? Haven’t you the ace left? [They both leave the table and run forward.]
KOSICH. [In a tearful voice] Ladies and gentlemen, let me explain! I had the ace, king, queen, and eight of diamonds, the ace of spades and one, just one, little heart, do you understand? Well, she, bad luck to her, she couldn’t make a little slam. I said one in no-trumps —— *
* The game played is vint, the national card-game of Russia
and the direct ancestor of auction bridge, with which it is
almost identical. [translator’s note]
AVDOTIA. [Interrupting him] No, I said one in no-trumps; you said two in no-trumps ——
KOSICH. This is unbearable! Allow me — you had — I had — you had — [To LEBEDIEFF] But you shall decide it, Paul: I had the ace, king, queen, and eight of diamonds ——
LEBEDIEFF. [Puts his fingers into his ears] Stop, for heaven’s sake, stop!
AVDOTIA. [Yelling] I said no-trumps, and not he!
KOSICH. [Furiously] I’ll be damned if I ever sit down to another game of cards with that old cat!
He rushes into the garden. The SECOND GUEST follows him. GEORGE is left alone at the table.
AVDOTIA. Whew! He makes my blood boil! Old cat, indeed! You’re an old cat yourself!
MARTHA. How angry you are, aunty!
AVDOTIA. [Sees MARTHA and claps her hands] Are you here, my darling? My beauty! And was I blind as a bat, and didn’t see you? Darling child! [She kisses her and sits down beside her] How happy this makes me! Let me feast my eyes on you, my milk-white swan! Oh, oh, you have bewitched me!
LEBEDIEFF. Why don’t you find her a husband instead of singing her praises?
AVDOTIA. He shall be found. I shall not go to my grave before I have found a husband for her, and one for Sasha too. I shall not go to my grave — [She sighs] But where to find these husbands nowadays? There sit some possible bridegrooms now, huddled together like a lot of half-drowned rats!
THIRD GUEST. A most unfortunate comparison! It is my belief, ladies, that if the young men of our day prefer to remain single, the fault lies not with them, but with the existing, social conditions!
LEBEDIEFF. Come, enough of that! Don’t give us any mo re philosophy; I don’t like it!
Enter SASHA. She goes up to her father.
SASHA. How can you endure the stuffy air of this room when the weather is so beautiful?
ZINAIDA. My dear Sasha, don’t you see that Martha is here?
SASHA. I beg your pardon.
[She goes up to MARTHA and shakes hands.]
MARTHA. Yes, here I am, my dear little Sasha, and proud to congratulate you. [They kiss each other] Many happy returns of the day, dear!
SASHA. Thank you! [She goes and sits down by her father.]
LEBEDIEFF. As you were saying, Avdotia Nazarovna, husbands are hard to find. I don’t want to be rude, but I must say that the young men of the present are a dull and poky lot, poor fellows! They can’t dance or talk or drink as they should do.
AVDOTIA. Oh, as far as drinking goes, they are all experts. Just give them — give them ——
LEBEDIEFF. Simply to drink is no art. A horse can drink. No, it must be done in the right way. In my young days we used to sit and cudgel our brains all day over our lessons, but as soon as evening came we would fly off on some spree and keep it up till dawn. How we used to dance and flirt, and drink, too! Or sometimes we would sit and chatter and discuss everything under the sun until we almost wagged our tongues off. But now — [He waves his hand] Boys are a puzzle to me. They are not willing either to give a candle to God or a pitchfork to the devil! There is only one young fellow in the country who is worth a penny, and he is married. [Sighs] They say, too, that he is going crazy.
MARTHA. Who is he?
LEBEDIEFF. Nicholas Ivanoff.
MARTHA. Yes, he is a fine fellow, only [Makes a face] he is very unhappy.
ZINAIDA. How could he be otherwise, poor boy! [She sighs] He made such a bad mistake. When he married that Jewess of his he thought of course that her parents would give away whole mountains of gold with her, but, on the contrary, on the