The Greatest Works of P. G. Wodehouse. P. G. Wodehouse
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Jellicoe owned a clock-work rat, much in request during French lessons.
We will now proceed to the painful details.
* * * * *
The meetings of the Fire Brigade were held after school in Mr. Downing’s form-room.; The proceedings always began in the same way, by the reading of the minutes of the last meeting.; After that the entertainment varied according to whether the members happened to be fertile or not in ideas for the disturbing of the peace.
To-day they were in very fair form.
As soon as Mr. Downing had closed the minute-book, Wilson, of the School House, held up his hand.
“Well, Wilson?”
“Please, sir, couldn’t we have a uniform for the Brigade?”
“A uniform?” Mr. Downing pondered
“Red, with green stripes, sir,”
Red, with a thin green stripe, was the Sedleigh colour.
“Shall I put it to the vote, sir?” asked Stone.
“One moment, Stone.”
“Those in favour of the motion move to the left, those against it to the right.”
A scuffling of feet, a slamming of desk-lids and an upset blackboard, and the meeting had divided.
Mr. Downing rapped irritably on his desk.
“Sit down!” he said, “sit down!; I won’t have this noise and disturbance.; Stone, sit down—Wilson, get back to your place.”
“Please, sir, the motion is carried by twenty-five votes to six.”
“Please, sir, may I go and get measured this evening?”
“Please, sir——”
“Si-lence!; The idea of a uniform is, of course, out of the question.”
“Oo-oo-oo-oo, sir-r-r!”
“Be quiet! Entirely out of the question.; We cannot plunge into needless expense.; Stone, listen to me.; I cannot have this noise and disturbance!; Another time when a point arises it must be settled by a show of hands.; Well, Wilson?”
“Please, sir, may we have helmets?”
“Very useful as a protection against falling timbers, sir,” said Robinson.
“I don’t think my people would be pleased, sir, if they knew I was going out to fires without a helmet,” said Stone.
The whole strength of the company:; “Please, sir, may we have helmets?”
“Those in favour—” began Stone.
Mr. Downing banged on his desk.; “Silence!; Silence!!; Silence!!!; Helmets are, of course, perfectly preposterous.”
“Oo-oo-oo-oo, sir-r-r!”
“But, sir, the danger!”
“Please, sir, the falling timbers!”
The Fire Brigade had been in action once and once only in the memory of man, and that time it was a haystack which had burnt itself out just as the rescuers had succeeded in fastening the hose to the hydrant.
“Silence!”
“Then, please, sir, couldn’t we have an honour cap?; It wouldn’t be expensive, and it would be just as good as a helmet for all the timbers that are likely to fall on our heads.”
Mr. Downing smiled a wry smile.
“Our Wilson is facetious,” he remarked frostily.
“Sir, no, sir!; I wasn’t facetious!; Or couldn’t we have footer-tops, like the first fifteen have?; They——”
“Wilson, leave the room!”
“Sir, please, sir!”
“This moment, Wilson.; And,” as he reached the door, “do me one hundred lines.”
A pained “OO-oo-oo, sir-r-r,” was cut off by the closing door.
Mr. Downing proceeded to improve the occasion.; “I deplore this growing spirit of flippancy,” he said.; “I tell you I deplore it!; It is not right!; If this Fire Brigade is to be of solid use, there must be less of this flippancy.; We must have keenness.; I want you boys above all to be keen.; I—What is that noise?”
From the other side of the door proceeded a sound like water gurgling from a bottle, mingled with cries half-suppressed, as if somebody were being prevented from uttering them by a hand laid over his mouth.; The sufferer appeared to have a high voice.
There was a tap at the door and Mike walked in.; He was not alone.; Those near enough to see, saw that he was accompanied by Jellicoe’s clock-work rat, which moved rapidly over the floor in the direction of the opposite wall.
“May I fetch a book from my desk, sir?” asked Mike.
“Very well—be quick, Jackson; we are busy.”
Being interrupted in one of his addresses to the Brigade irritated Mr. Downing.
The muffled cries grew more distinct.
“What—is—that—noise?” shrilled Mr. Downing.
“Noise, sir?” asked Mike, puzzled.
“I think it’s something outside the window, sir,” said Stone helpfully.
“A bird, I think, sir,” said Robinson.
“Don’t be absurd!” snapped Mr. Downing.; “It’s outside the door.; Wilson!”
“Yes, sir?” said a voice “off.”
“Are you making that whining noise?”
“Whining noise, sir?; No, sir, I’m not making a whining noise.”
“What sort of noise, sir?” inquired Mike, as many Wrykynians had asked before him.; It was a question invented by Wrykyn for use in just such a case as this.
“I do not propose,” said Mr. Downing acidly, “to imitate the noise; you can all hear it perfectly plainly.; It is a curious whining noise.”
“They are mowing the cricket field, sir,” said the invisible Wilson.; “Perhaps that’s it.”
“It may be one of the desks squeaking, sir,” put in Stone.; “They do sometimes.”
“Or somebody’s boots, sir,” added Robinson.
“Silence!; Wilson?”
“Yes, sir?” bellowed the unseen one.
“Don’t shout at me from the corridor like that.; Come in.”
“Yes, sir!”
As he spoke the muffled whining changed suddenly to a series of tenor shrieks, and the india-rubber form of Sammy bounded into the room like an excited kangaroo.
Willing hands had by this time deflected the clockwork rat from the wall to which it had been steering, and pointed it up the alley-way between the two rows of desks.; Mr. Downing, rising from his place, was just in time to see Sammy with a last leap spring on his prey and begin worrying it.
Chaos reigned.
“A rat!” shouted Robinson.
The twenty-three members of the Brigade who were not earnest instantly dealt with the situation, each in the manner that seemed proper to him.; Some leaped on to forms, others flung books, all shouted.; It was a stirring, bustling scene.
Sammy had by this time disposed of the clock-work rat, and was now standing, like Marius, among the ruins barking triumphantly.
The banging on Mr. Downing’s desk resembled thunder.; It rose