The Greatest Works of P. G. Wodehouse. P. G. Wodehouse
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his views on the events of the preceding night, or, rather, of that morning, for it was nearer one than twelve when peace had once more fallen on the school.
“Nothing that happens in this luny-bin,” said Psmith, “has power to surprise me now.; There was a time when I might have thought it a little unusual to have to leave the house through a canvas shoot at one o’clock in the morning, but I suppose it’s quite the regular thing here.; Old school tradition, &c.; Men leave the school, and find that they’ve got so accustomed to jumping out of window that they look on it as a sort of affectation to go out by the door.; I suppose none of you merchants can give me any idea when the next knockabout entertainment of this kind is likely to take place?”
“I wonder who rang that bell!” said Stone.; “Jolly sporting idea.”
“I believe it was Downing himself.; If it was, I hope he’s satisfied.”
Jellicoe, who was appearing in society supported by a stick, looked meaningly at Mike, and giggled, receiving in answer a stony stare.; Mike had informed Jellicoe of the details of his interview with Mr. Barley at the “White Boar,” and Jellicoe, after a momentary splutter of wrath against the practical joker, was now in a particularly light-hearted mood.; He hobbled about, giggling at nothing and at peace with all the world.
“It was a stirring scene,” said Psmith.; “The agility with which Comrade Jellicoe boosted himself down the shoot was a triumph of mind over matter.; He seemed to forget his ankle.; It was the nearest thing to a Boneless Acrobatic Wonder that I have ever seen.”
“I was in a beastly funk, I can tell you.”
Stone gurgled.
“So was I,” he said, “for a bit.; Then, when I saw that it was all a rag, I began to look about for ways of doing the thing really well.; I emptied about six jugs of water on a gang of kids under my window.”
“I rushed into Downing’s, and ragged some of the beds,” said Robinson.
“It was an invigorating time,” said Psmith.; “A sort of pageant.; I was particularly struck with the way some of the bright lads caught hold of the idea.; There was no skimping.; Some of the kids, to my certain knowledge, went down the shoot a dozen times.; There’s nothing like doing a thing thoroughly.; I saw them come down, rush upstairs, and be saved again, time after time.; The thing became chronic with them.; I should say Comrade Downing ought to be satisfied with the high state of efficiency to which he has brought us.; At any rate I hope——”
There was a sound of hurried footsteps outside the door, and Sharpe, a member of the senior day-room, burst excitedly in.; He seemed amused.
“I say, have you chaps seen Sammy?”
“Seen who?” said Stone.; “Sammy?; Why?”
“You’ll know in a second.; He’s just outside.; Here, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy!; Sam!; Sam!”
A bark and a patter of feet outside.
“Come on, Sammy.; Good dog.”
There was a moment’s silence.; Then a great yell of laughter burst forth.; Even Psmith’s massive calm was shattered.; As for Jellicoe, he sobbed in a corner.
Sammy’s beautiful white coat was almost entirely concealed by a thick covering of bright red paint.; His head, with the exception of the ears, was untouched, and his serious, friendly eyes seemed to emphasise the weirdness of his appearance.; He stood in the doorway, barking and wagging his tail, plainly puzzled at his reception.; He was a popular dog, and was always well received when he visited any of the houses, but he had never before met with enthusiasm like this.
“Good old Sammy!”
“What on earth’s been happening to him?”
“Who did it?”
Sharpe, the introducer, had no views on the matter.
“I found him outside Downing’s, with a crowd round him.; Everybody seems to have seen him.; I wonder who on earth has gone and mucked him up like that!”
Mike was the first to show any sympathy for the maltreated animal.
“Poor old Sammy,” he said, kneeling on the floor beside the victim, and scratching him under the ear.; “What a beastly shame!; It’ll take hours to wash all that off him, and he’ll hate it.”
“It seems to me,” said Psmith, regarding Sammy dispassionately through his eyeglass, “that it’s not a case for mere washing.; They’ll either have to skin him bodily, or leave the thing to time.; Time, the Great Healer.; In a year or two he’ll fade to a delicate pink.; I don’t see why you shouldn’t have a pink bull-terrier.; It would lend a touch of distinction to the place.; Crowds would come in excursion trains to see him.; By charging a small fee you might make him self-supporting.; I think I’ll suggest it to Comrade Downing.”
“There’ll be a row about this,” said Stone.
“Rows are rather sport when you’re not mixed up in them,” said Robinson, philosophically.; “There’ll be another if we don’t start off for chapel soon.; It’s a quarter to.”
There was a general move.; Mike was the last to leave the room.; As he was going, Jellicoe stopped him.; Jellicoe was staying in that Sunday, owing to his ankle.
“I say,” said Jellicoe, “I just wanted to thank you again about that——”
“Oh, that’s all right.”
“No, but it really was awfully decent of you.; You might have got into a frightful row.; Were you nearly caught?”
“Jolly nearly.”
“It was you who rang the bell, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, it was.; But for goodness sake don’t go gassing about it, or somebody will get to hear who oughtn’t to, and I shall be sacked.”
“All right.; But, I say, you are a chap!”
“What’s the matter now?”
“I mean about Sammy, you know.; It’s a jolly good score off old Downing.; He’ll be frightfully sick.”
“Sammy!” cried Mike.; “My good man, you don’t think I did that, do you?; What absolute rot!; I never touched the poor brute.”
“Oh, all right,” said Jellicoe.; “But I wasn’t going to tell any one, of course.”
“What do you mean?”
“You are a chap!” giggled Jellicoe.
Mike walked to chapel rather thoughtfully.
CHAPTER XLVII
MR. DOWNING ON THE SCENT
There was just one moment, the moment in which, on going down to the junior day-room of his house to quell an unseemly disturbance, he was boisterously greeted by a vermilion bull terrier, when Mr. Downing was seized with a hideous fear lest he had lost his senses.; Glaring down at the crimson animal that was pawing at his knees, he clutched at his reason for one second as a drowning man clutches at a lifebelt.
Then the happy laughter of the young onlookers reassured him.
“Who—” he shouted, “WHO has done this?”
“Please, sir, we don’t know,” shrilled the chorus.
“Please, sir, he came in like that.”
“Please, sir, we were sitting here when he suddenly ran in, all red.”
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