The Greatest Works of P. G. Wodehouse. P. G. Wodehouse
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of a nigger minstrel.
“Did—you—put—that—boot—there, Smith?” he asked slowly.
“Yes, sir.”
“Then what did you MEAN by putting it there?” roared Mr. Downing.
“Animal spirits, sir,” said Psmith.
“WHAT!”
“Animal spirits, sir.”
What Mr. Downing would have replied to this one cannot tell, though one can guess roughly.; For, just as he was opening his mouth, Mr. Outwood, catching sight of his Chirgwin-like countenance, intervened.
“My dear Downing,” he said, “your face.; It is positively covered with soot, positively.; You must come and wash it.; You are quite black.; Really, you present a most curious appearance, most.; Let me show you the way to my room.”
In all times of storm and tribulation there comes a breaking-point, a point where the spirit definitely refuses to battle any longer against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.; Mr. Downing could not bear up against this crowning blow.; He went down beneath it.; In the language of the Ring, he took the count.; It was the knock-out.
“Soot!” he murmured weakly.; “Soot!”
“Your face is covered, my dear fellow, quite covered.”
“It certainly has a faintly sooty aspect, sir,” said Psmith.
His voice roused the sufferer to one last flicker of spirit.
“You will hear more of this, Smith,” he said.; “I say you will hear more of it.”
Then he allowed Mr. Outwood to lead him out to a place where there were towels, soap, and sponges.
* * * * *
When they had gone, Psmith went to the window, and hauled in the string.; He felt the calm after-glow which comes to the general after a successfully conducted battle.; It had been trying, of course, for a man of refinement, and it had cut into his afternoon, but on the whole it had been worth it.
The problem now was what to do with the painted boot.; It would take a lot of cleaning, he saw, even if he could get hold of the necessary implements for cleaning it.; And he rather doubted if he would be able to do so.; Edmund, the boot-boy, worked in some mysterious cell, far from the madding crowd, at the back of the house.; In the boot-cupboard downstairs there would probably be nothing likely to be of any use.
His fears were realised.; The boot-cupboard was empty.; It seemed to him that, for the time being, the best thing he could do would be to place the boot in safe hiding, until he should have thought out a scheme.
Having restored the basket to its proper place, accordingly, he went up to the study again, and placed the red-toed boot in the chimney, at about the same height where Mr. Downing had found the other.; Nobody would think of looking there a second time, and it was improbable that Mr. Outwood really would have the chimneys swept, as he had said.; The odds were that he had forgotten about it already.
Psmith went to the bathroom to wash his hands again, with the feeling that he had done a good day’s work.
CHAPTER LII
ON THE TRAIL AGAIN
The most massive minds are apt to forget things at times.; The most adroit plotters make their little mistakes.; Psmith was no exception to the rule.; He made the mistake of not telling Mike of the afternoon’s happenings.
It was not altogether forgetfulness.; Psmith was one of those people who like to carry through their operations entirely by themselves.; Where there is only one in a secret the secret is more liable to remain unrevealed.; There was nothing, he thought, to be gained from telling Mike.; He forgot what the consequences might be if he did not.
So Psmith kept his own counsel, with the result that Mike went over to school on the Monday morning in pumps.
Edmund, summoned from the hinterland of the house to give his opinion why only one of Mike’s boots was to be found, had no views on the subject.; He seemed to look on it as one of those things which no fellow can understand.
“’Ere’s one of ’em, Mr. Jackson,” he said, as if he hoped that Mike might be satisfied with a compromise.
“One?; What’s the good of that, Edmund, you chump?; I can’t go over to school in one boot.”
Edmund turned this over in his mind, and then said, “No, sir,” as much as to say, “I may have lost a boot, but, thank goodness, I can still understand sound reasoning.”
“Well, what am I to do?; Where is the other boot?”
“Don’t know, Mr. Jackson,” replied Edmund to both questions.
“Well, I mean—Oh, dash it, there’s the bell.”
And Mike sprinted off in the pumps he stood in.
It is only a deviation from those ordinary rules of school life, which one observes naturally and without thinking, that enables one to realise how strong public-school prejudices really are.; At a school, for instance, where the regulations say that coats only of black or dark blue are to be worn, a boy who appears one day in even the most respectable and unostentatious brown finds himself looked on with a mixture of awe and repulsion, which would be excessive if he had sand-bagged the headmaster.; So in the case of boots.; School rules decree that a boy shall go to his form-room in boots, There is no real reason why, if the day is fine, he should not wear shoes, should he prefer them.; But, if he does, the thing creates a perfect sensation.; Boys say, “Great Scott, what have you got on?” Masters say, “Jones, what are you wearing on your feet?” In the few minutes which elapse between the assembling of the form for call-over and the arrival of the form-master, some wag is sure either to stamp on the shoes, accompanying the act with some satirical remark, or else to pull one of them off, and inaugurate an impromptu game of football with it.; There was once a boy who went to school one morning in elastic-sided boots....
Mike had always been coldly distant in his relations to the rest of his form, looking on them, with a few exceptions, as worms; and the form, since his innings against Downing’s on the Friday, had regarded Mike with respect.; So that he escaped the ragging he would have had to undergo at Wrykyn in similar circumstances.; It was only Mr. Downing who gave trouble.
There is a sort of instinct which enables some masters to tell when a boy in their form is wearing shoes instead of boots, just as people who dislike cats always know when one is in a room with them.; They cannot see it, but they feel it in their bones.
Mr. Downing was perhaps the most bigoted anti-shoeist in the whole list of English schoolmasters.; He waged war remorselessly against shoes.; Satire, abuse, lines, detention—every weapon was employed by him in dealing with their wearers.; It had been the late Dunster’s practice always to go over to school in shoes when, as he usually did, he felt shaky in the morning’s lesson.; Mr. Downing always detected him in the first five minutes, and that meant a lecture of anything from ten minutes to a quarter of an hour on Untidy Habits and Boys Who Looked like Loafers—which broke the back of the morning’s work nicely.; On one occasion, when a particularly tricky bit of Livy was on the bill of fare, Dunster had entered the form-room in heel-less Turkish bath-slippers, of a vivid crimson; and the subsequent proceedings, including his journey over to the house to change the heel-less atrocities, had seen him through very nearly to the quarter to eleven interval.
Mike, accordingly, had not been in his place for three minutes when Mr. Downing, stiffening like a pointer, called his name.
“Yes, sir?” said