The Essential Russian Plays & Short Stories. Максим Горький
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to play cards, but you don’t like to be smacked for forfeits. Where did you run away to when you lost? (Fool squeals.) I’ll show you! I’ll show you! I’ll show you!
Fool: I’ll set the house on fire! I’ll set the house on fire! (Runs after Maid and pulls her braids.) Bom! Bom-bom-bom! Bom-bom-bom-bom!
Maid: Let go! Let go, you nasty thing! D’you hear, let go! Egórich, take him away.
Fool: I’m ringing the alarm. Fire! We’re alight! Bom - bom - bom - bom! Bom - bom - bom - bom! (Exit Maid. Servant beats him.) Tt, you! One foot in the grave, and still fighting! (Goes back to his monkey.)
Companion: But what if he really does set the house on fire? What will happen?
Master: Well, the stables will be burned too. They’re so near the house. (Smiles. To Fool.) True, fool?
Fool: A true fool!
Master: Yes, I really am. To be the owner of estates with such a fine chase, and instead of shooting and enjoying myself in the open air——
Servant: How often didn’t I say to you in the town: the woodcock are dull without you, the wolves run about in the garden in the daytime, everyone says, “Where’s master?”
Master: Don’t tell me; I’m laughing at myself.
Servant: And you didn’t want to know; you used to sit with those long-haired people, you used to write books for them, you were getting pale and thin——
Companion: Next time I’ll go hunting too! My costume’s been repaired.
Servant: I can understand those long-haired vagabonds writing books; they haven’t got estates or health, and the colour of their faces isn’t worth spoiling. But you’re a rich gentleman, such a gentleman, that your little toe would show you were a gentleman, and then all of a sudden——
Master: Ah! when you were speaking the truth, I was full of prejudices——
Servant: Only to think how much time you wasted for nothing——
Master: Nearly all my youth——
Companion: But who said he wasn’t going to talk of the past? There’s firm determination! Instead of sad recollections, Egórich, you’d much better tell us how his grandfather drove out in the coach with girls for horses. But in detail. I and Grusha intend to take him out the same way.
Servant: Ah, young lady! That’s impossible! There are no girls now like there used to be. Are there? Can you see them now with blood as thick as milk, and strong as horses, and such teeth — oh! it used to hurt to look at them, they glistened so. And their calves were burnt like your iron and their braids were like whips! Oho, young lady, those times have gone, there are no more pretty girls like there used to be.
Companion: Come, tell us how it used to be.
Maid (enters): The witch has come. Is she to wait?
Master: No, no, call her in at once, call the dear old lady in.
Servant: May I clear?
Master: Yes, and bring in the candelabra.
Servant: Yes, sir. (Exit.)
Fool (plays with monkey): Kiriki, kirikoo, kirikoo.
Companion: How soon it gets dark now!
Master: Well, shall we take her potions and fly to the Brocken.
Companion: I’m afraid only it might upset your health.
Master: What nonsense! In the first place (points at Fool) he dreamed I was so well, and in the second, what’s health? Isn’t it money to be spent neither too stingily nor too prodigally?
Companion: I don’t know why, but you’re in a reasoning mood to-day. But we must ask the witch about his dream. (Enter Servant with candelabra.) Where’s the Arab boy gone to?
Servant: He’s sitting with Diana; they’re both black and miserable.
Maid (enters): She’s coming!
Master: Aha.
Maid: Now then, limp up. (Enter Witch.)
Master: Ah! good day, my dear.
Companion: Good-day, beauty.
Master: Your ugliness gets more beautiful every day.
Companion: Will you be a hundred years old the day after to-morrow?
Servant: What? Has she been merry-making all this time?
Master: Still the same success with the goats? Ah, the rogue knows how to make her warts suit her face. She knows the scents that please the long tails.
Maid: Why don’t you speak, you stockfish?
Companion: She’s collecting herself.
Maid (holds a live log under the witch's nose): What’s it smell of? Eh? What’s it smell of? (Witch hisses. All laugh.) What, don’t you like it, you big-faced sorceress?
Master: Listen, you rogue. Last night our fool had a quite extraordinary dream. First he dreamed that he, a fool, had been appointed to a terribly responsible post. Well, so far there’s nothing extraordinary, that happens all round us every day, but after that—— (The Arab boy enters with a card on a silver tray. General consternation.)
Master (astonished): Well, this is the last thing I expected. (Pause.) Egórich, go and ask him into the hall. (Exit Servant.) What the—— I’m in my dressing-gown. — Here’s a surprise!
Companion: Whoever is it? (Looks at card.) Oh, it’s the man who was exiled?
Master: Yes, who’d have thought of him? (To Witch.) My dear, go to the kitchen for a little while!
Companion: Interesting to know what he wants? Why ever has he come all this way? Why, isn’t he a famous writer now? (Exeunt Witch, Arab boy, and Maid.)
Master: And a famous man of learning.
Companion: Well, he’s not got such a wonderful mind, so I heard.
Master: But he’s got something. He preferred martyrdom for an idea to any kind of jobbery, and consequently——
Companion: And you’ll receive this adventurer?
Master: I want to be polite, and besides, he’s better than the others.
Companion: But how are we to behave with him?
Master: To change would be obviously too great an honour for such a gentleman. The year 1808 will continue; guests have come — and I’ll put on my uniform. That’s what my great-grandfather would have done.
Companion: He’ll destroy all the illusion.
Master: All? He’s not so strong as that.
Servant (enters): The gentleman says he’s frozen from the journey.
Master: Ask him in here. There’s a fire here. Have the candles lit on the walls, and come and help me dress. (Exit.)
Servant: Very good, sir. (At the door Maid runs into him.) What the devil have they all lost their heads about? (Exit.)
Maid (to Companion): What shall we do?
Companion: Everything’s to be as it was; today’s the second of October, 1808, and you and I are just his slaves. Although he’s so tired, he’s gone to put on his uniform. If we don’t earn his approval, well, — why, he makes less of us every day.
Maid: Oh, but don’t you like that?——
Companion: Light the room up more.
Maid: I’m so excited. I’m burning all over.
Companion: Try some cold water. (Exit.)