Anton Chekhov: Plays, Short Stories, Diary & Letters (Collected Edition). Anton Chekhov
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I should like it! Does she think it a joke to leave us sitting here since five o’clock without even offering us a crust to eat? What a house! What management!
FIRST GUEST. I am so bored that I feel like beating my head against the wall. Lord, what a queer lot of people! I shall soon be howling like a wolf and snapping at them from hunger and weariness.
AVDOTIA. How I should like to get my claws into her, the old sinner!
FIRST GUEST. I shall get a drink, old lady, and then home I go! I won’t have anything to do with these belles of yours. How the devil can a man think of love who hasn’t had a drop to drink since dinner?
AVDOTIA. Come on, we will go and find something.
FIRST GUEST. Sh! Softly! I think the brandy is in the sideboard in the dining-room. We will find George! Sh!
They go out through the door on the left. Enter ANNA and LVOFF through the door on the right.
ANNA. No, they will be glad to see us. Is no one here? Then they must be in the garden.
LVOFF. I should like to know why you have brought me into this den of wolves. This is no place for you and me; honourable people should not be subjected to such influences as these.
ANNA. Listen to me, Mr. Honourable Man. When you are escorting a lady it is very bad manners to talk to her the whole way about nothing but your own honesty. Such behaviour may be perfectly honest, but it is also tedious, to say the least. Never tell a woman how good you are; let her find it out herself. My Nicholas used only to sing and tell stories when he was young as you are, and yet every woman knew at once what kind of a man he was.
LVOFF. Don’t talk to me of your Nicholas; I know all about him!
ANNA. You are a very worthy man, but you don’t know anything at all. Come into the garden. He never said: “I am an honest man; these surroundings are too narrow for me.” He never spoke of wolves’ dens, called people bears or vultures. He left the animal kingdom alone, and the most I have ever heard him say when he was excited was: “Oh, how unjust I have been to-day!” or “Annie, I am sorry for that man.” That’s what he would say, but you —
ANNA and LVOFF go out. Enter AVDOTIA and FIRST GUEST through the door on the left.
FIRST GUEST. There isn’t any in the dining-room, so it must be somewhere in the pantry. We must find George. Come this way, through the sitting-room.
AVDOTIA. Oh, how I should like to get my claws into her!
They go out through the door on the right. MARTHA and BORKIN run in laughing from the garden. SHABELSK I comes mincing behind them, laughing and rubbing his hands.
MARTHA. Oh, I am so bored! [Laughs loudly] This is deadly! Every one looks as if he had swallowed a poker. I am frozen to the marrow by this icy dullness. [She skips about] Let us do something!
BORKIN catches her by the waist and kisses her cheek.
SHABELSKI. [Laughing and snapping his fingers] Well, I’ll be hanged! [Cackling] Really, you know!
MARTHA. Let go! Let go, you wretch! What will the Count think? Stop, I say!
BORKIN. Angel! Jewel! Lend me twenty-three hundred roubles.
MARTHA. Most certainly not! Do what you please, but I’ll thank you to leave my money alone. No, no, no! Oh, let go, will you?
SHABELSKI. [Mincing around them] The little birdie has its charms! [Seriously] Come, that will do!
BORKIN. Let us come to the point, and consider my proposition frankly as a business arrangement. Answer me honestly, without tricks and equivocations, do you agree to do it or not? Listen to me; [Pointing to Shabelski] he needs money to the amount of at least three thousand a year; you need a husband. Do you want to be a Countess?
SHABELSKI. [Laughing loudly] Oh, the cynic!
BORKIN. Do you want to be a Countess or not?
MARTHA. [Excitedly] Wait a minute; really, Misha, these things aren’t done in a second like this. If the Count wants to marry me, let him ask me himself, and — and — I don’t see, I don’t understand — all this is so sudden ——
BORKIN. Come, don’t let us beat about the bush; this is a business arrangement. Do you agree or not?
SHABELSKI. [Chuckling and rubbing his hands] Supposing I do marry her, eh? Hang it, why shouldn’t I play her this shabby trick? What do you say, little puss? [He kisses her cheek] Dearest chick-a-biddy!
MARTHA. Stop! Stop! I hardly know what I am doing. Go away! No — don’t go!
BORKIN. Answer at once: is it yes or no? We can’t stand here forever.
MARTHA. Look here, Count, come and visit me for three or four days. It is gay at my house, not like this place. Come tomorrow. [To BORKIN] Or is this all a joke?
BORKIN. [Angrily] How could I joke on such a serious subject?
MARTHA. Wait! Stop! Oh, I feel faint! A Countess! I am fainting, I am falling!
BORKIN and SHABELSKI laugh and catch her by the arms. They kiss her cheeks and lead her out through the door on the right. IVANOFF and SASHA run in from the garden.
IVANOFF. [Desperately clutching his head] It can’t be true! Don’t Sasha, don’t! Oh, I implore you not to!
SASHA. I love you madly. Without you my life can have no meaning, no happiness, no hope.
IVANOFF. Why, why do you say that? What do you mean? Little Sasha, don’t say it!
SASHA. You were the only joy of my childhood; I loved you body and soul then, as myself, but now — Oh, I love you, Nicholas! Take me with you to the ends of the earth, wherever you wish; but for heaven’s sake let us go at once, or I shall die.
IVANOFF. [Shaking with wild laughter] What is this? Is it the beginning for me of a new life? Is it, Sasha? Oh, my happiness, my joy! [He draws her to him] My freshness, my youth!
Enter ANNA from the garden. She sees her husband and SASHA, and stops as if petrified.
IVANOFF. Oh, then I shall live once more? And work?
IVANOFF and SASHA kiss each other. After the kiss they look around and see ANNA.
IVANOFF. [With horror] Sarah!
The curtain falls.
ACT III
Library in IVANOFF’S house. On the walls hang maps, pictures, guns, pistols, sickles, whips, etc. A writing-table. On it lie in disorder knick-knacks, papers, books, parcels, and several revolvers. Near the papers stand a lamp, a decanter of vodka, and a plate of salted herrings. Pieces of bread and cucumber are scattered about. SHABELSKI and LEBEDIEFF are sitting at the writing-table. BORKIN is sitting astride a chair in the middle of the room. PETER is standing near the door.
LEBEDIEFF. The policy of France is clear and definite; the French know what they want: it is to skin those German sausages, but the Germans must sing another song; France is not the only thorn in their flesh.
SHABELSKI. Nonsense! In my opinion the Germans are cowards and the French are the same. They are showing their teeth at one another, but you can take my word for it, they will not do more than that; they’ll never fight!
BORKIN. Why should they fight? Why all these congresses, this arming and expense? Do you know what I would do in their place? I would catch all the dogs in the kingdom and inoculate them with Pasteur’s serum, then I would let them loose in the enemy’s country, and the enemies would all go mad in a month.
LEBEDIEFF. [Laughing] His head is small, but the great ideas are hidden away in it like fish in the sea!
SHABELSKI. Oh, he is a genius.
LEBEDIEFF.