Anton Chekhov: Plays, Short Stories, Diary & Letters (Collected Edition). Anton Chekhov
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Cut her into pieces!
SHIPUCHIN. [Shouts] Stop! I ask you! I implore you!
MERCHUTKINA. Little fathers… little fathers! [Screams] Little fathers!…
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Shouts] Help! Help!… Oh, oh… I’m sick, I’m sick! [Jumps on to a chair, then falls on to the sofa and groans as if in a faint.]
KHIRIN. [Chasing MERCHUTKINA] Hit her! Beat her! Cut her to pieces!
MERCHUTKINA. Oh, oh… little fathers, it’s all dark before me! Ah! [Falls senseless into SHIPUCHIN’S arms. There is a knock at the door; a VOICE announces THE DEPUTATION] The deputation… reputation… occupation…
KHIRIN. [Stamps] Get out of it, devil take me! [Turns up his sleeves] Give her to me: I may break the law!
[A deputation of five men enters; they all wear frockcoats. One carries the velvet-covered address, another, the loving-cup. Employees look in at the door, from the public department. TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA on the sofa, and MERCHUTKINA in SHIPUCHIN’S arms are both groaning.]
ONE OF THE DEPUTATION. [Reads aloud] “Deeply respected and dear Andrey Andreyevitch! Throwing a retrospective glance at the past history of our financial administration, and reviewing in our minds its gradual development, we receive an extremely satisfactory impression. It is true that in the first period of its existence, the inconsiderable amount of its capital, and the absence of serious operations of any description, and also the indefinite aims of this bank, made us attach an extreme importance to the question raised by Hamlet, ‘To be or not to be,’ and at one time there were even voices to be heard demanding our liquidation. But at that moment you become the head of our concern. Your knowledge, energies, and your native tact were the causes of extraordinary success and widespread extension. The reputation of the bank… [Coughs] reputation of the bank…”
MERCHUTKINA. [Groans] Oh! Oh!
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Groans] Water! Water!
THE MEMBER OF THE DEPUTATION. [Continues] The reputation [Coughs]… the reputation of the bank has been raised by you to such a height that we are now the rivals of the best foreign concerns.
SHIPUCHIN. Deputation… reputation… occupation…. Two friends that had a walk at night, held converse by the pale moonlight…. Oh tell me not, that youth is vain, that jealousy has turned my brain.
THE MEMBER OF THE DEPUTATION. [Continues in confusion] “Then, throwing an objective glance at the present condition of things, we, deeply respected and dear Andrey Andreyevitch… [Lowering his voice] In that case, we’ll do it later on…. Yes, later on….” [DEPUTATION goes out in confusion.]
Curtain.
THE JUBILEE [trans. by C. E. Bechhofer Roberts ]
Characters
| Shipuchin Hirin | Tatiana Mrs. Merchutkin |
Managers
THE JUBILEE
(Scene: The managing director’s study at a bank; furnished with affected sumptuousness. Velvet-covered furniture, flowers, statues, rugs, telephone. Midday. Hirin, the bookkeeper, is alone.)
Hirin (shouts at the door): Go to the chemist’s and get three ha’penny worth of nerve tonic, and tell them to bring some fresh water to the director’s study. I’ve got to tell you a hundred times! (Goes to table.) I’m tired out. I’ve been writing for four days without closing my eyes; from morning to evening I’m writing here, and from evening to morning, at home. (Coughs.) My whole body’s inflamed. Shivering, fever, coughing; I’ve got rheumatism in my legs, things keep coming in front of my eyes. (Sits down.) Our old joker, this brute, this managing director, is going to read the report to-day at the general meeting: “Our bank at the present moment and in time to come” — you’d think he was Gambetta. (Writes.) Two, one, one, six, nought, seven, add six, nought, one, six — He wants to throw dust in their eyes; so I’ve got to sit here and work for him like a nigger. He just puts the poetry into the report; but I must tap away on the counting machine all day long, hell take him. (Taps the machine.) I can’t stand it. (Writes.) One to carry, three, seven, two, one, nought. He promised to pay me for my trouble. If everything goes off well to-day and he takes in the public, he’s promised me a gold pendant and three hundred roubles. We’ll see. (Writes.) Well, and if all my trouble goes for nothing, well, my friend, I’m sorry — I’m a passionate man! Yes, my friend, in a fit of temper I can even commit a crime. Yes! (Off, noise and applause. Shipuchin’s voice, “Thank you! Thank you! I am moved!” Enter Shipuchin, middle-aged, in a frock-coat and white tie, with a monocle. He carries an album which has just been presented to him. All the while he is on the stage, employees bring him papers to sign.)
Shipuchin (standing at the door): This gift of yours, dear colleagues, I shall preserve to my death, as a remembrance of the happiest days of my life! Yes, my dear, dear sirs! Once again I thank you. (Throws them a kiss, and goes up to Hirin.) My dear fellow, my esteemed Hirin!
Hirin (rising): I have the honour to congratulate you, Mr. Shipuchin, on your fifteenth year at the head of the bank and I hope that ——
Shipuchin (squeezing his hand): Thank you, my dear fellow. Thank you! This notable day, this jubilee — Very, very glad! Thank you for your services, for everything; for everything I thank you. If, while I have had the honour to be managing director of this bank, if anything useful has been done, then I am indebted for it before all else to my colleagues. (Sighs.) Yes, my dear fellow, fifteen years! Fifteen years, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Briskly.) Well, what about my report? Is it coming along?
Hirin: Yes. There are about five pages left.
Shipuchin: Excellent. That means, it will be ready at three?
Hirin: If nobody disturbs me, it’ll be finished. There’s just rubbish left.
Shipuchin: Magnificent. Magnificent, or I’m not Shipuchin! The general meeting will be at four. Please, dear old chap; give me the first half, and I’ll study it. Give it me quick. (Takes the report.) I base gigantic hopes on this report. It’s my “profession de foi,” or, to put it better, my firework — my firework, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Sits down and reads the report to himself.) But I’m devilish tired. Last night I had an attack of gout, all the morning I’ve been busy with little affairs and running about, then these commotions and ovations and agitations — I’m tired.
Hirin: Two, nought, nought, three, nine, two, nought — It’s all green before my eyes with figures. Three, one, six, four, one, five. (Taps the machine.)
Shipuchin: And another bother — This morning your wife called on me and complained about you again. She said, last night you ran after her and your sister-in-law with a knife. What does that look like, Hirin? Come, come!
Hirin (roughly): I take the liberty, Mr. Shipuchin, on the occasion of the jubilee, to make a request to you. I beg you, if only out of consideration for my working like a nigger, not to interfere with my family life. Please don’t!
Shipuchin (sighs): You’ve got an impossible character, Hirin. You’re an excellent fellow and respectable, but when it comes to women you behave like Jack the Ripper. Really, I can’t understand why you dislike them so!
Hirin: And I can’t understand why you like them so. (Pause.)
Shipuchin: The employees have just presented me with an album and the managers, so I hear, want to present me with an address and a silver bowl. (Plays with his monocle.) Good, or I’m not Shipuchin! That’s not