Anton Chekhov: Plays, Short Stories, Diary & Letters (Collected Edition). Anton Chekhov
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I don’t want to see it. Trickery! They deceive simple folk, and squeeze them to the last drop. We know that sort of people. And you, young man, instead of defending trickery, would have done better to drink and pour out for others. That’s the truth!
Aplombov: I quite agree with you, dear papa. Why introduce scientific discourses? I myself am ready to speak about certain discoveries, but then there’s another time for that. (To Dashenka.) What’s your opinion, ma chère?
Dashenka: They like to show their education and always speak about something one can’t understand.
Nastasia: Heavens! We have lived our time without education, and now we’re marrying our third daughter to a fine husband. If you think we are uneducated, why do you come to us? Be off with your education!
Yat: Madame, I always take your family into consideration, and if I spoke about electric light it does not signify that I did so from pride. Your healths! I always with all my heart wished Dashenka a good husband. It is hard nowadays, Madame, to find a good man. Nowadays everyone watches his chance to marry for interest, for money ——
Aplombov: That is an insinuation!
Yat (fearfully): No, there’s no allusion to anybody! I’m not speaking of present company. I was speaking just in general — please! I know well that you married for love and the dowry’s nothing.
Nastasia: No, it isn’t nothing! Don’t forget yourself, sir, when you speak! Beside a thousand roubles in actual coin, we are giving three sets of furs, bedding and all the furniture. Just see if other people give dowries like that.
Yat: I don’t mean anything — the furniture is really beautiful and — and the furs certainly — but I mean they took offence that I made insinuations.
Nastasia: Don’t make insinuations! We respect you for your parents and we invited you to the wedding, but you say all sorts of things. And if you knew that Epaminondas was marrying for interest, why did you say nothing beforehand? (Weeps.) Perhaps — I have nourished her and cared for her and looked after her — I should have guarded better my emerald, my jewel, my daughter ——
Aplombov: You believe him? I most humbly thank you! I’m very grateful indeed to you. (To Yat.) As for you, Mr. Yat, although you are an acquaintance of mine, I don't allow you to behave so badly in a strange house. Have the goodness to go away!
Yat: What's the matter?
Aplombov: I wish you were as honourable as I am! In short, have the goodness to go away!
Gentlemen (to Aplombov): Now, stop! Remember where you are! Never mind! Sit down! Stop!
Yat: I didn't mean anything—You know, I―I don't understand. Excuse me, I'm going. Only give me first the five roubles you owe me from last year for the waistcoat, excuse the expression. Your health again and—and I'm going; only first pay me what you owe.
Gentlemen: Now, let it be, let it be. Enough! Is all this nonsense worth while?
Master of Ceremonies (loudly): To the health of the parents of the bride, Mr. and Mrs. Jigalov! (Band plays a flourish. "Hurrah.")
Jigalov (bows with emotion on all sides): Thank you, dear guests. I am very grateful to you not to have forgotten us and to have been good enough not to ignore us. And don't think I've got crafty in my old age, or that there's any trickery; I say simply my feelings, from the bottom of my heart. I grudge nothing to good people. We humbly thank you. (Kisses all round.)
Dashenka (to her mother): Mama dear, why are you crying? I am so happy.
Aplombov: Mama is upset at the separation. But I would advise her instead to remember our recent conversation!
Yat: Don't cry, Madame! You think that such tears are natural? Not at all, simply a low-spirited nervous system ——
Jigalov: And are there chestnuts in Greece?
Dimba: Yes, there's everything there.
Jigalov: But not mushrooms.
Dimba: Yes, mushrooms too. Everything!
Mozgovy: Mr. Dimba, it’s your turn to make a speech. Ladies and gentlemen, allow Mr. Dimba to make a speech.
All (to Dimba): Speech! Speech! Your turn!
Dimba: What for? I don’t understand what — what’s the matter?
Jigalov: No, no! Don’t dare refuse! It’s your turn! Up you get!
Dimba (rises in confusion): I can say — Russia is one thing and Greece is another. Now the people in Greece are one thing, and the people in Russia are another. And the “karavia” which sail on the sea you call ships, and those that go on land you call railways — I understand well. We are Greeks, you are Russians, and I want nothing — I can say — Russia is one thing and Greece is another. (Enter Newnin.)
Newnin: Stop, ladies and gentlemen, don’t go on eating! Wait a little! Madame, just half a minute! Please come here! (Takes Nastasia aside, breathlessly.) Listen, the general’s just coming. At last I’ve found one. I was simply in agony. A real general, in the flesh, old, eighty, perhaps, or ninety, years old ——
Nastasia: When is he coming?
Newnin: This very moment. You’ll be grateful to me all your life. He’s not a general, he’s a peach! A marvel! Not any foot regiment, not infantry at all, but navy! In rank he’s a secondgrade captain, and with them, in the navy, that’s just the same as a field-marshal or, in civil rank, a privy councillor. Absolutely the same! Even higher!
Nastasia: You’re not deceiving me, Andrew?
Newnin: Now, am I a rascal? Don’t you worry.
Nastasia (sighing): I don’t want to waste money, Andrew.
Newnin: Don't you worry. He’s not a general, he's a work of art! (Raises his voice.) And I said to him, “You’ve quite forgotten us, your excellency,” I said. “It’s not right, your excellency, to forget old friends! Mrs. Jigalov is very angry with you,” I said. (Goes to table and sits down.) And he said, “My dear friend, how can I go if I am not a friend of the bridegroom’s?” “Oh, that’s being too much, your excellency,” I said. “What ceremonies! The bridegroom,” I said, “is a most charming, open-hearted man. To be working with an appraiser at the bank, you don’t think, your excellency, this is a young good-for-nothing. Why,” I said, “nowadays even noble ladies work at banks.” He clapped me on the shoulder, I smoked a Havana with him, and now he’s coming. Wait just a moment, ladies and gentlemen, don’t go on eating!
Aplombov: And when is he coming?
Newnin: This moment. When I left him, he was already putting on his goloshes. Wait just a moment, ladies and gentlemen, don’t go on eating!
Aplombov: We must tell them to play a march.
Newnin (loudly): Hey, musicians! A march! (Band plays a march.)
Servant (announcing): Mr. Revunov-Karayúlov! (Jigalov, Nastasia, and Newnin run to meet him. Enter Revunov-Karayúlov.)
Nastasia: Welcome, welcome, your excellency. Very kind ——
Revunov-Karayúlov: Extremely!
Jigalov: Your excellency, we are not eminent, not exalted people, but simple folk; but do not think there is any trickery on our side. There is always the first place in our house for good people; we grudge them nothing. Welcome!
Revunov-Karayúlov: Extremely pleased!
Newnin: Allow me to introduce the bridegroom, Mr. Aplombov, your excellency, and his newlyborn — I mean, newly-wed—wife! And this is Mr. Yat, of the telegraph. This is Mr. Dimba, a foreign gentleman of Greek nationality, in the confectionery profession. And so on, and so on — the rest are all — rubbish. Take a seat,