War/Peace. Matthew Vandenberg
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night so my clients meet me at the ramps or I simply hang there with mates sometimes. Nightly, we have parties, with loud thumping music, and everyone gets totally wasted and maybe totally laid by the ramp, or under the nearby bridge. These parties are off the fuckin' roof now that the south-siders have all but left. The fuckin' floor is ours and we're dancing on it every night.'
******
References
1 *Maharbiz, M. M., & Sato, H. (2010). Cyborg Beetles. Scientific American, 303(6), 94-99. doi: 10.1038/scientificamerican1210-94
2 It Can Wait – Illy and Owl Eyes
3 All Star – Smash Mouth
JACKSON CURTIS – 9:23am - December 12 - 2011
'Dude, you made it!' Shaun yells, sticking a fist out.
'Easy,' I say, tapping his knuckles with mine. 'Cops weren't interested in us dude. All they care about now are south-siders.'
'You look annoyed.'
'Maybe we should have pegged stones at the windows or something. I wanted to be chased, you know. But it's like it don't matter what we do now the cops don't give a shit. It fuckin' sux, know what I'm saying? But soon as they see a Catholic they put their fuckin' sirens on. What the hell is going on?'
'I don't know but guess who's in the stadium, right now.'
'Hey, everyone's just walking in. Can we just walk in? No one's paying.'
'It's totally free,' Shaun says. 'And ten of the St. Kilda players are on the field.'
'St. Kilda? Footballers?'
'No, volleyball,' Shaun quips. 'Obviously footballers.'
'I don't follow footy,' I say, shrugging.
'Neither do I, but these guys are big. Don't have any idea what they're doing here.' – Shaun walks towards the stadium. I follow.
'I thought I heard Wil Anderson,' I say.
'Then you heard the booing too, right?' Shaun says. 'Guy's a great comedian but the crowd hated him. Not at first. He made a few jokes about frigid girls and the crowd went wild, clapping, cheering, but then he said something about showing respect to the Catholics and people started throwin' shit . . .'
'There it is again,' I say. 'Everyone hates south-siders. This is crazy Shaun. Honestly. You know that Shelly has relatives in the south, and now she has disappeared. Have you seen her recently?'
'No. She's Catholic right?'
'Exactly,' I say. 'That's my point. She's been banished from the north. And I don't think it's a coincidence. I knew a tonne of Catholics and I haven't seen them in weeks. People are tellin' me that Sydney Harbour's turning into a frickin' Gaza strip.'
'Shit! The stadium's packed,' Shaun states. I look around at the audience, thousands of people are in the stands, many standing.
'Something big's going down here,' I say.
'Hey look,' Shaun says, pointing to the field.
'Yeah, group of footballers, big deal. Oh – is that Kristina Keneally? I saw her at the FIFA Fan Fest thingy.'
'Not just them,' Shaun says. 'That's fuckin' Jay Z! I swear to God that's Jay Z. What the hell?!'
'No way. You're kidding? Are you sure?'
'That is definitely Jay Z. I have eyes. He has a totally distinctive face.'
'Ok. What's goin' on here?'
'Find some free space.' - Shaun pushes past a few people.
'We're gonna have to go up back,' I say. 'No way we're getting any closer.'
'Yeah. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Alana and I went to a bitch-fight?'
'Dogs fighting? That's so cruel,' I say. 'No. You didn't. Not sure I wanna hear about that.'
'Not dogs you fool. A bitch fight**: it's after dark, we're in this auditorium, I don't even know where it is coz Alana didn't wanna tell me, and we're watching these girls, two girls fighting. It's totally illegal, which is real slack since guys do it all the time. Like them' – Shaun flicks at thumb at the field – 'Anyway, we're pushing through the crowd and it's just like the crowd here now. Only then, guess how it broke up...'
'How?' I ask.
'Cops came,' Shaun says, with a shrug.
We stop in our tracks as soon as we have a good view of the field below, of the people: several St. Kilda players, Kristina Keneally, and . . . for sho, Jay fuckin' Z.
'She's American,' Shaun says. 'So's Jay Z. And the St. Kilda players – they were in the US last September. I get it! I get what this is about! Dude, this is gonna be epic. This right now is history in the making: the speeches these people are going to give will blow your mind. We're talking Hitler shit, the type of shit that will incite a riot, destabilize a fuckin' nation, this is Americanization, and it's happening right here. We're among the first to witness it.'
'That's why the Catholics have been kicked out? That makes no sense.'
'Yes it does,' Shaun says. 'They hate American pop music, they hate Rihanna, Britney Spears, Ke$ha, Uffie, coz they're promiscuous. They hate Americans, coz the majority of American Christians are Protestant. And now suddenly – to their horror – the north has become the 51st American state. We're in America Jackson. No joke. As of today the north of Sydney is a state of America. Ha! And everyone thought the Chinese were gonna be the ones to invade us! Or the Moslems, or the Indians. You just wouldn't have predicted this, huh? No way.'
'That's just crazy. We're in Australia. We're in Gosford Shaun. I know things are strange now but this is still Australia.'
'See for yourself.'
'Hello, Gosford!' Kristina yells. 'A very very good welcome to you all. I think you all know why we're here today. This is an extremely proud day for the state of New South Wales. I am pleased and honored to announce that we have with us today a very talented rapper from the US. His name is Jay Z but he needs no introduction. Later we will be joined by the queen herself, not of England but of America. Her name is Oprah.' - The cheers are deafening – 'Yes. She will be visiting Gosford. And she has something very very important to announce. It is so important that I will tell you all now that government will cease as of December 22. Gillard will step down, and you will all have a new leader. And she is here before you right now.' - Again the crowd cheers. Shaun claps. - 'In the words of Obama: “Don't bet against America. Don't bet against American ingenuity. Don't bet against the American worker. Don't bet against us. Don't bet against us.” The north will prevail. We have already won the battle of Sydney. People, we have already won. We have the weight of the largest, most powerful nation in the world behind us all, pushing us forward and giving us the momentum we need. Can you taste it, northerners? Can you taste it?' - Cheers and shrieks, squeals and wails. - 'God bless America. I give to you, the greatest rapper in the world right now, Shaun Corey Carter, better known as – give it up for – Jay Z!'
An elbow flies into my shoulder as the person beside me jumps into the air. The crowd goes wild. Shaun too. I look around and then shrug: 'I can't believe this.'
'Huh?' Shaun yells.
'I said I can't believe this.'
'Ladies and gentleman,' Jay Z yells. 'This flavor was written for the north-siders all over the world, this flavor is something for you to stomp your feet to, something for you to yell to, fight music for you to scream to, coz we all know what we're fighting for now. We want freedom, we want a free society, we want freedom of speech, and we wanna stick it to the south!' - Again cheers, deafening cheers.
I cup my hands around my mouth: 'Whoooooooo! Yeah!'
'This is Death of Autotune! Throw me the beat!*'
******
References
1 Anderson,