A.A. in Prison: Inmate to Inmate. Anonymous
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my life, and my attitude toward life. The speaker was from Brooklyn, an African-American male, middle aged. I also had grown up in Brooklyn. I’m Hispanic, and at the time I was in my late 20’s. But I was able to relate to the speaker’s every word. He described his alcoholism. He talked about his feelings of shame, guilt and loneliness. My God, I had felt these feelings all my life! But I could never describe them in this way. I could only act out through anger and rage. For the first time in my life, I understood my real problem. I felt a sense of hope.
I attended nearly every A.A. meeting from that day on. I was paroled at my first hearing--my first miracle. I was not expecting it because of my long rap sheet. I began making meetings right away on the outside. Through sponsoring others, I have learned the benefits of service in A.A. I have always wanted to become a substance abuse counselor. And through A.A., I have been able to achieve that goal.
But first and foremost, I am an alcoholic. I’m coming up on 16 years of sobriety. I am experiencing life beyond my wildest dreams. I could not have imagined the gifts I am receiving simply by staying sober. And by helping another sick and suffering alcoholic.
–Anonymous Male
DEAR MAC
Hello my friend. How are you? I hope all is well with you and your home group. First, let me say I’m great—praise God!
Mac, you can share my letter with the Grapevine. I can’t keep my sobriety unless I give it away.
My past troubles have always been because of alcohol. I’m doing time for breaking and entering, and attempted robbery. I was really messed up. I was caught in the grip of a killer among men. I thank God to be alive today. I often cry a lot. I allowed alcohol to ruin my life. But the tears come from a mix of emotions: guilt, sadness, and joy. I know today I have a friend in A.A. The fellowship wants to save me from this killer. It doesn’t matter where I am. All I have to do is find an A.A. group. That way, I’ve found a friend. I really believe this today. I’m not afraid to reach out. I want to live.
For years I had been hurting myself. I had also hurt my family. I was a troubled young man. I hated my life and myself. I had no self-love or self-respect. And no love or respect for anyone else. I didn’t know that then. Alcohol blinded me. But today I’m learning the truth about me. It has come through the grace of my Higher Power and the A.A. program.
A single parent raised me. She did the best she could. But she had no skills as a mother. So I learned how to be a man in the streets. It warped my thinking. It twisted my view of life. And alcohol made the problem worse.
I’ve been in prison for five years now. I have 11 months to go before I’m released. I have had a lot of problems because of alcoholism. I didn’t get arrested. I got rescued. And I mean that. I was death waiting to happen.
I had run-ins with the law. And I had been in jail before. But this time I hit rock bottom. I finally admitted it to myself: I can’t use alcohol anywhere, any time.
I still remember my first A.A. meeting in jail. I heard them say “Higher Power.” They spoke about a “God of your understanding.” Then someone said, “You can use anything as your Higher Power.” I left crying like a baby. I was holding the Bible in my hand.
I didn’t know it at the time. But God was going to save me through A.A. I didn’t think that A.A. could help me. I thought those people were worse than me. That was my problem, even in jail: I was in sorry condition. But I didn’t think I was that bad.
I read the Bible that night. My Higher Power led me to a passage that said: I can do all things through God who gives me strength. And I cried and prayed. Up to this point, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. I was sad and tired.
I started attending A.A. meetings. I would sit and listen. I hoped that someone would say something to help me. To show me how to handle this monster. Week after week, I would hear the stories. At the end of the meetings someone would say, “Ask for help” and “Keep coming.” I realized that was the answer. So I kept coming. Finally, my Higher Power helped me see: I have to ask for help. I’ve never been to a meeting on the outside. But I plan to go, God willing. Since being inside, I go to meetings whenever they have them.
I talked to my unit manager here about a Twelve-Step program. She told me to suggest getting a program. To put it in writing. I did. It was approved a week and a half ago. So I’m waiting for that to start up.
Through the A.A. message, I’m learning to live “life on life’s terms.” I could never do that on my own. I’m not blaming others for my bad choices. I take the blame today. It’s not easy. It’s a learning process. I have embraced it in A.A. I want to live today.
I am grateful—truly grateful.
–Curtis
BRIEF HISTORY
Here is a rundown on my life of drinking.
I started drinking when I was 16 years old. That was “late” in life. For that, I can thank neighbors who watched after us. My mom and dad both drank. They had five kids. We depended on welfare.
I was called a “problem child.” I would run away from home. I ran from the abuse. I went through foster care until I was 16.
When I came back home, both of my parents were drinking even more. They drank up the county checks. They left it to churches, their friends, and our neighbors to feed us. So I quit school. I got a job so my brothers and sister had food to eat. Then I started stealing my parents’ booze. I did it to drown my feelings.
At 18, I went to a rehab for 30 days. Before that, I had been hospitalized. I had fallen off a 3rd floor porch. I continued drinking. I had run-ins with the law. Then the court ordered me to rehabs.
At the age of 30, I was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning. I had been to a Halloween party. I had drunk 1 1/2 fifths of Jack Daniels in less than 10 hours. I went home and fell asleep in a chair. If I had gone to bed, I would not be here today. My neighbor came to check on me. That saved my life. I was rushed to the area hospital. I had my stomach pumped and flushed. I was in terrible pain. I was nearly dead. I had a high alcohol level in my blood. So they couldn’t give me painkillers. The poison shut my liver down for three days. After weeks of treatment, I was sent home. I now have Hepatitis A and C. It’s because of the damage I did to my liver.
This was a turning point in my life. By the grace of God, my life was saved.
I began attending A.A. meetings. I went for nearly five years. I had many slips. I went to a rehab for one year. Then I came to prison.
Over the 36 years before prison, I lost my wife. I lost everything I owned. This is the hardest way for an alcoholic to learn. But God had a reason. He took away my old way of living. He’s given back my self-respect. I still can learn from my mistakes.
I want the time I have left on earth to be happy and joyful. By the grace of God, I hope to have that. I will be free someday. God willing, I can live without the booze. I want help so I can stop. So I will be a winner.
–Anonymous Male
MY NAME IS HELEN
My name is Helen, and I am an alcoholic. Like most of us, I found A.A. the hard way. I knew that I had a serious drinking problem. But it took me a year before I did something about it. By then, a man was dead. I was charged with second-degree murder. And I was in jail.
At first I thought, “It’s too late now. Why not drink myself to death?” I had tried to die several times. Why not now?
But, by the grace of God, I am alive today. It must have been God’s will. Living surely was not my will. I wanted to get out on bail for one reason: to get another bottle of Scotch and another