The Real Thing. Tom Stoppard
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You were two elevators short.
MAX I’ve cracked it.
CHARLOTTE Good.
MAX I’m turning the whole place on its side and making it a bungalow. I still have a problem with the rooftop pool. As far as I can see, all the water is going to fall into the shallow end. How’s the lake, by the way?
CHARLOTTE What lake?
He affects surprise.
MAX Lake Geneva. You haven’t been to Loch Ness, have you? Lake Geneva. It is at Geneva? It must be. They wouldn’t call it Lake Geneva if it was at Ba’l or Basel. They’d call it Lake Ba’l or Basel. You know the Swiss. Utterly reliable. And they’ve done it without going digital, that’s what I admire so much. They know it’s all a snare and a delusion. I can remember digitals when they first came out. You had to give your wrist a vigorous shake like bringing down a thermometer, and the only place you could buy one was Tokyo. But it looked all over for the fifteen-jewelled movement. Men ran through the market place shouting, ‘The cog is dead.’ But still the Swiss didn’t panic. In fact, they made a few digitals themselves, as a feint to draw the Japanese further into the mire, and got on with numbering the bank accounts. And now you see how the Japs are desperately putting hands on their digital watches. It’s yodelling in the dark. They can yodel till the cows come home. The days of the digitals are numbered. The metaphor is built into them like a self-destruct mechanism. Mark my words, I was right about the skateboard, I was right about nouvelle cuisine, and I’ll be proved right about the digital watch. Digitals have got no class, you see. They’re science and technology. Makes nonsense of a decent pair of cufflinks, as the Swiss are the first to understand. Good sale?
Charlotte stares at him.
CHARLOTTE What?
He affects surprise.
MAX Good sale. Was the sale good? The sale in Geneva, how was it? Did it go well in Geneva, the sale?
CHARLOTTE What’s the matter?
MAX I’m showing an interest in your work. I thought you liked me showing an interest in your work. My showing. Save the gerund and screw the whale. Yes, I’m sure you do. I remember how cross you got when I said to someone, ‘My wife works for Sotheby’s or Christie’s, I forget which.’ You misjudged me, as it happens. You thought I was being smart at your expense. In fact, I had forgotten. How’s old Christie, by the way? (Strikes his forehead.) There I go. How’s old Sothers, by the way? Happy with the Geneva sale, I trust?
Charlotte puts her glass down and moves to stand facing him.
CHARLOTTE (To call a halt) All right.
MAX Just all right? Well, that’s the bloody Swiss for you. Conservative, you see. The Japs could show them a thing or two. They’d have a whaling fleet in Lake Geneva by now. How’s the skiing, by the way? Plenty of snow?
CHARLOTTE Stop it—stop it—stop it. What have I done?
MAX You forgot your passport.
CHARLOTTE I did what?
MAX You went to Switzerland without your passport.
CHARLOTTE What makes you think that?
MAX I found it in your recipe drawer.
CHARLOTTE (Quietly) Jesus God.
MAX Quite.
Charlotte moves away and looks a him with some curiosity.
CHARLOTTE What were you looking for?
MAX Your passport.
CHARLOTTE It’s about the last place I would have looked.
MAX It was.
CHARLOTTE Why were you looking for it?
MAX I didn’t know it was going to be your passport. If you see what I mean.
CHARLOTTE I think I do. You go through my things when I’m away? (Pause. Puzzled.) Why?
MAX I liked it when I found nothing. You should have just put it in your handbag. We’d still be an ideal couple. So to speak.
CHARLOTTE Wouldn’t you have checked to see if it had been stamped?
MAX That’s a very good point. I notice that you never went to Amsterdam when you went to Amsterdam. I must say I take my hat off to you, coming home with Rembrandt place mats for your mother. It’s those little touches that lift adultery out of the moral arena and make it a matter of style.
CHARLOTTE I wouldn’t go on, if I were you.
MAX Rembrandt place mats! I wonder who’s got the originals. Some Arab, is it? ‘Dinner’s ready, Abdul, put the Rembrandts on the table.’
CHARLOTTE It’s like when we were burgled. The same violation. Worse.
MAX I’m not a burglar. I’m your husband.
CHARLOTTE As I said. Worse.
MAX Well, I’m sorry. I think I just apologized for finding out that you’ve deceived me. Yes, I did. How does she do it?
She moves away, to leave the room.
Are you going somewhere?
CHARLOTTE I’m going to bed.
MAX Aren’t you going to tell me who it is?
CHARLOTTE Who what is?
MAX Your lover, lover.
CHARLOTTE Which lover?
MAX I assumed there’d only be the one.
CHARLOTTE Did you?
MAX Well, do you see them separately or both together? Sorry, that’s not fair. Well, tell you what, nod your head if it’s separately.
She looks at him.
Heavens. If you have an opening free, I’m not doing much at the moment. Or is the position taken? It is only two, is it? Nod your head.
She looks at him.
Golly, you are a dark horse. How do they all three get away at the same time? Do they work together, like the Marx Brothers? I’m not upsetting you, I hope?
CHARLOTTE You underestimate me.
MAX (Interested) Do I? A string quartet, you mean? That sort of thing? (He ponders that for a moment.) What does the fourth one do?
She raises her hand.
Got it. Plays by himself. You can slap me if you like. I won’t slap you back. I abhor cliché. It’s one of the things that has kept me faithful.
Charlotte returns to the hall and reappears wearing her topcoat.
CHARLOTTE If you don’t mind, I think I will go out after all.
She moves to close the door behind her.
MAX You’ve forgotten your suitcase.
Pause. She comes back and picks up her suitcase. She takes the case to the door.
CHARLOTTE I’m sorry if you’ve had a bad time. But you’ve done everything wrong. There’s a right thing to say if