Not Today, Thanks

      October 1983

      Usually when the leader of our closed discussion meeting asks whether anyone has an alcohol-related problem the group might help with, nobody speaks up. On this particular night, our newest member, Marcie—two months sober—did. “I have, Jerry. You may think it’s silly.”

      “We won’t think it’s silly, Marcie. If it’s important to you, it’s important to us. Tell us about it. Helping one another is what we’re here for.’’

      “Next Saturday night, I’m going to a big cocktail party. My husband’s boss is giving it, and we have to be there. It’s the first one since I came to AA, and I’m scared—not so much because I’m afraid I’ll drink—but what can you say to people about not drinking? How do you explain it?”

      Murmurs of sympathetic understanding sounded all around the table, and a few reminiscent chuckles. People started recalling their first involvements in drinking occasions after reaching AA. No one tried to dismiss her anxiety as trivial. How to fit our newly sober selves into a drinking society without embarrassment is a legitimate cause for concern to most recent arrivals in AA.

      “I take it you want to be inconspicuous about not drinking?” Forrest asked. Marcie nodded. “Then don’t make the mistake I did. I was on a real pink cloud, three weeks sober, and when my host offered me a drink, I announced in a loud, clear voice that I had joined AA and was never going to drink again. That got their attention! Not surprisingly, with that attitude, I was drunk again the next week. That taught me two things: to do it one day at a time, and to stay low-key at social affairs.”

      Cleve spoke up. “You’ll discover, Marcie, as we all did, that people don’t notice what we drink. They aren’t interested in our drinking—they’re totally concerned with their own. If you quietly ask for a soft drink, chances are no one but you and the bartender will know your drink is nonalcoholic.’’

      “Your question about how you explain your not drinking re­minds me of me,” Irene said. “When I was new in AA, I thought I had to explain—almost apologize for—refusing alcohol. We have no obligation to explain ourselves. People who drink don’t think they need to explain it. At the same time, it doesn’t hurt to be prepared with an answer on the slim chance someone notices, and says something. A person who knows you used to drink might. Or a host trying to look after his guests could be a bit insistent. Have a smooth answer ready, like ‘Little digestive upset. Thought I’d go easy tonight,’ or ‘It isn’t on my diet.’ Anything you feel easy with.”

      Mike suddenly laughed. “I haven’t thought of this for years. I was at a party when I was very new to AA, and was trying to be both sober and sophisticated. So I bellied up to the bar and ordered Perrier and water. I can still see the bartender’s expression at this nut asking for water and water. Now, I am supremely indifferent to what anyone thinks about my choice of drinks, but I was supersensitive then and let it spoil my evening.”

      “Take one precaution, Marcie,” Kenneth advised. “If someone else is getting your drink for you, sniff before you taste. Glasses are easy to mix up, and you could get the wrong one by accident.”

      “We’ve been talking about affairs where mixed drinks are served and nonalcoholic beverages are readily available,’’ Lewis observed. “Once in a while, you may hit an occasion where only alcoholic drinks are offered. Alison, tell Marcie your story of how you handled that.”

      “I was really on the spot,’’ Alison said. “I was on a study tour of the Far East with a group of women in my line of work. In Taiwan, we were entertained at a luncheon in Taipei’s best hotel, with an hour of wine drinking before the meal.

      “Our hosts were Oriental, and I didn’t want to do anything that might offend them, or make me appear critical of their hospitality. So I couldn’t ask for anything that was not offered; I couldn’t simply refuse the wine; and I couldn’t drink it.”

      “What on earth did you do?” Marcie asked.

      “Something so simple and workable it must have been an inspiration from my Higher Power. For the first thirty minutes, when I was offered a drink, I said, ‘Not just yet, thank you.’ And the last thirty minutes, I said, ‘Not any more, thank you.’ Not a soul there so much as suspected that I hadn’t touched a drop.”

      “You see, Marcie,” Jerry assured her, “an AA member who really wants to stay sober can always find a way, and without attracting attention.”

      “It’s not only possible,” Alison added. “It’s fun!”

      E.E., Tulsa, Okla.

On Cultivating Tolerance

      by Dr. Bob

      July 1944

      During nine years in AA, I have observed that those who follow the Alcoholics Anonymous program with the greatest earnestness and zeal not only maintain sobriety but often acquire finer characteristics and attitudes as well. One of these is tolerance. Tolerance expresses itself in a variety of ways: in kindness and consideration toward the man or woman who is just beginning the march along the spiritual path; in the understanding of those who perhaps have been less fortunate in educational advantages; and in sympathy toward those whose religious ideas may seem to be at great variance with our own.

      I am reminded in this connection of the picture of a hub with its radiating spokes. We all start at the outer circumference and approach our destination by one of many routes. To say that one spoke is much better than all the other spokes is true only in the sense of its being best suited to you as an individual. Human nature is such that without some degree of tolerance, each one of us might be inclined to believe that we have found the best or perhaps the shortest spoke. Without some tolerance, we might tend to become a bit smug or superior—which, of course, is not helpful to the person we are trying to help and may be quite painful or obnoxious to others. No one of us wishes to do anything that might act as a deterrent to the advancement of another—and a patronizing atti­tude can readily slow up this process.

      Tolerance furnishes, as a by-product, a greater freedom from the tendency to cling to preconceived ideas and stubbornly adhered-to opinions. In other words, it often promotes an open-mindedness that is vastly important—is, in fact, a prerequisite to the successful termination of any line of search, whether it be scientific or spiritual.

      These, then, are a few of the reasons why an attempt to ac­quire tolerance should be made by each one of us.

Why Don’t We Talk About Sex?

      November 1969