The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare
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MALVOLIO.
‘If not, let me see thee a servant still.’
OLIVIA.
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT. Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is return’d: I could hardly entreat him back: he attends your ladyship’s pleasure.
OLIVIA. I’ll come to him. [Exit SERVANT] Good Maria, let this fellow be look’d to. Where’s my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.
[Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA.]
MALVOLIO. O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. ‘Cast thy humble slough,’ says she; ‘be opposite with kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity’; and, consequently, sets down the manner how; as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have lim’d her; but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she went away now, ‘Let this fellow be look’d to’; fellow! not Malvolio, nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance,— what can be said? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thank’d.
[Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY and FABIAN.]
SIR TOBY. Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I ‘ll speak to him.
FABIAN. Here he is, here he is. How is ‘t with you, sir? how is ‘t with you, man?
MALVOLIO.
Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private; go off.
MARIA.
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not I tell you?
Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
MALVOLIO.
Ah, ha! does she so?
SIR TOBY. Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how is ‘t with you? What, man! defy the devil; consider, he ‘s an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO.
Do you know what you say?
MARIA.
La you, and you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart!
Pray God, he be not bewitch’d! My lady would not lose him for
more than I ‘ll say.
MALVOLIO.
How now, mistress!
MARIA.
O Lord!
SIR TOBY. Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do you not see you move him? let me alone with him.
FABIAN. No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly us’d.
SIR TOBY.
Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?
MALVOLIO.
Sir!
SIR TOBY. Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! ‘t is not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him, foul collier!
MARIA.
Get him to say his prayers; good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO.
My prayers, minx!
MARIA.
No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO. Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things. I am not of your element; you shall know more hereafter.
[Exit.]
SIR TOBY.
Is ‘t possible?
FABIAN. If this were play’d upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY.
His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
MARIA.
Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
FABIAN.
Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA.
The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY. Come, we ‘ll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he ‘s mad: we may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him; at which time we will bring the device to the bar, and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see.
[Enter SIR ANDREW.]
FABIAN.
More matter for a May morning.
SIR ANDREW. Here ‘s the challenge, read it; I warrant there ‘s vinegar and pepper in ‘t.
FABIAN.
Is ‘t so saucy?
SIR ANDREW.
Ay, is ‘t, I warrant him; do but read.
SIR TOBY. Give me. [Reads] Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.
FABIAN.
Good and valiant.
SIR TOBY. [Reads] Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for ‘t.
FABIAN.
A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY.
[Reads] Thou com’st to the lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses
thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter
I challenge thee for.
FABIAN.
Very brief, and to exceeding good sense— less.
SIR TOBY. [Reads] I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,—
FABIAN.
Good.
SIR TOBY.
[Reads.] Thou kill ‘st me like a rogue and a villain.
FABIAN.
Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law; good.
SIR TOBY.
[Reads] Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of our souls!
He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look
to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
ANDREW AGUECHEEK.
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot; I’ll give ‘t him.
MARIA. You may have very fit occasion for ‘t; he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
SIR TOBY. Go, Sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner of the orchard, like a bum-baily. So soon as ever thou see’st him, draw; and as thou drawest, swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft, that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twang’d off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earn’d him. Away!
SIR ANDREW.
Nay, let me alone for swearing.
[Exit.]
SIR TOBY. Now will not I