Chapter 3

      Birthday-Presents

      Table of Contents

      ‘It’s my brother!’ the Sub-Warden exclaimed, in a warning whisper. ‘Speak out, and be quick about it!’

      The appeal was evidently addressed to the Lord Chancellor, who instantly replied, in a shrill monotone, like a little boy repeating the alphabet, ‘As I was remarking, your Sub-Excellency, this portentous movement—’

      ‘You began too soon!’ the other interrupted, scarcely able to restrain himself to a whisper, so great was his excitement. ‘He couldn’t have heard you. Begin again!’

      ‘As I was remarking,’ chanted the obedient Lord Chancellor, ‘this portentous movement has already assumed the dimensions of a Revolution!’

      ‘And what are the dimensions of a Revolution?’ The voice was genial and mellow, and the face of the tall dignified old man, who had just entered the room, leading Sylvie by the hand, and with Bruno riding triumphantly on his shoulder, was too noble and gentle to have scared a less guilty man: but the Lord Chancellor turned pale instantly, and could hardly articulate the words ‘The dimensions—your—your High Excellency? I—I—scarcely comprehend!’

      ‘Well, the length, breadth, and thickness, if you like it better!’ And the old man smiled, half-contemptuously.

      The Lord Chancellor recovered himself with a great effort, and pointed to the open window. ‘If your High Excellency will listen for a moment to the shouts of the exasperated populace—’ (‘of the exasperated populace!’ the Sub-Warden repeated in a louder tone, as the Lord Chancellor, being in a state of abject terror, had dropped almost into a whisper) ‘—you will understand what it is they want.’

      And at that moment there surged into the room a hoarse confused cry, in which the only clearly audible words were ‘Less—bread—More—taxes!’ The old man laughed heartily. ‘What in the world—’ he was beginning: but the Chancellor heard him not. ‘Some mistake!’ he muttered, hurrying to the window, from which he shortly returned with an air of relief. ‘Now listen!’ he exclaimed, holding up his hand impressively. And now the words came quite distinctly, and with the regularity of the ticking of a clock, ‘More—bread—Less—taxes!’

      ‘More bread!’ the Warden repeated in astonishment. ‘Why, the new Government Bakery was opened only last week, and I gave orders to sell the bread at cost-price during the present scarcity! What can they expect more?’

      ‘The Bakery’s closed, y’reince!’ the Chancellor said, more loudly and clearly than he had spoken yet. He was emboldened by the consciousness that here, at least, he had evidence to produce: and he placed in the Warden’s hands a few printed notices, that were lying ready, with some open ledgers, on a side-table.

      ‘Yes, yes, I see!’ the Warden muttered, glancing carelessly through them. ‘Order countermanded by my brother, and supposed to be my doing! Rather sharp practise! It’s all right!’ he added in a louder tone. ‘My name is signed to it: so I take it on myself. But what do they mean by “Less Taxes”? How can they be less? I abolished the last of them a month ago!’

      ‘It’s been put on again, y’reince, and by y’reince’s own orders!’ and other printed notices were submitted for inspection.

      The Warden, whilst looking them over, glanced once or twice at the Sub-Warden, who had seated himself before one of the open ledgers, and was quite absorbed in adding it up; but he merely repeated ‘It’s all right. I accept it as my doing.’

      ‘And they do say,’ the Chancellor went on sheepishly—looking much more like a convicted thief than an Officer of State, ‘that a change of Government, by the abolition of the Sub-Warden—I mean,’ he hastily added, on seeing the Warden’s look of astonishment, ‘the abolition of the office of Sub-Warden, and giving the present holder the right to act as Vice-Warden whenever the Warden is absent—would appease all this seedling discontent, I mean,’ he added, glancing at a paper he held in his hand, ‘all this seething discontent!’

      ‘For fifteen years,’ put in a deep but very harsh voice, ‘my husband has been acting as Sub-Warden. It is too long! It is much too long!’ My Lady was a vast creature at all times: but, when she frowned and folded her arms, as now, she looked more gigantic than ever, and made one try to fancy what a haystack would look like, if out of temper.

      ‘He would distinguish himself as a Vice!’ my Lady proceeded, being far too stupid to see the double meaning of her words. ‘There has been no such Vice in Outland for many a long year, as he would be!’

      ‘What course would you suggest, Sister?’ the Warden mildly enquired.

      My Lady stamped, which was undignified: and snorted, which was ungraceful. ‘This is no jesting matter!’ she bellowed.

      ‘I will consult my brother,’ said the Warden. ‘Brother!’

      ‘—and seven makes a hundred and ninety-four, which is sixteen and two-pence,’ the Sub-Warden replied. ‘Put down two and carry sixteen.’

      The Chancellor raised his hands and eyebrows, lost in admiration. ‘Such a man of business!’ he murmured.

      ‘Brother, could I have a word with you in my Study?’ the Warden said in a louder tone. The Sub-Warden rose with alacrity, and the two left the room together.

      My Lady turned to the Professor, who had uncovered the urn, and was taking its temperature with his pocket-thermometer. ‘Professor!’ she began, so loudly and suddenly that even Uggug, who had gone to sleep in his chair, left off snoring and opened one eye. The Professor pocketed his thermometer in a moment, clasped his hands, and put his head on one side with a meek smile

‘You were teaching my son before breakfast, I believe?’ my Lady loftily remarked. ‘I hope he strikes you as having talent?’

      ‘Oh, very much so indeed, my Lady!’ the Professor hastily replied, unconsciously rubbing his ear, while some painful recollection seemed to cross his mind. ‘I was very forcibly struck by His Magnificence, I assure you!’

      ‘He is a charming boy!’ my Lady exclaimed. ‘Even his snores are more musical than those of other boys!’

      If that were so, the Professor seemed to think, the snores of other boys must be something too awful to be endured: but he was a cautious man, and he said nothing.

      ‘And he’s so clever!’ my Lady continued. ‘No one will enjoy your Lecture more—by the way, have you fixed the time for it yet? You’ve never given one, you know: and it was promised years ago, before you—’

      ‘Yes, yes, my Lady, I know! Perhaps next Tuesday—or Tuesday week—’

      ‘That will do very well,’ said my Lady, graciously. ‘Of course you will let the