Crystal Garden. Ewa Bash
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gone, and I was handsome again. At least that’s what I thought. Sunny, although he claimed to have given up on Anna, dressed up like a bridegroom and even wore some perfume.
However, when the time came, to our utter dismay, the first dance with Anna was won by Martin the fat guy. She could have had anybody, why Martin! We thought he was the nerdiest boy at school, mainly because he was always poking his nose where it wasn’t wanted and was eager to give his opinion on everything. The adults on the other hand adored him. “Such a clever boy!” Well, he clearly impressed Anna, and we watched on as he danced all night with our girl. Sunny found this extremely funny.
“Let’s go and beat him!” he chuckled, nudging me with his elbow. “Let’s go, huh?” I knew he wasn’t saying it to tease me, and I was no longer angry with him. But I was angry with the rest of the world and its unspeakable injustice. If only I knew then what real injustice was. I admit that I didn’t approach Anna at the party, in fact, not until the following May. But we’ll come back to that later.
2
That year, Sunny’s parents sent him to a summer camp somewhere near Berlin, and I stayed at home. I spent three weeks loitering around with no idea what to do. I was bored. Computers and TV shows didn’t interest me, and I didn’t read books. It was then that I hit upon the idea to draw comic characters. I don’t remember why or how, but I started to depict beautiful Amazons, who lived in a magical world and fought with an army of demons with their magical powers. I bought a dozen different comics and at first tried to imitate them, but then started to draw myself. That’s how all of a sudden I discovered I was a talented artist.
Of course, I drew comics about her. My great and good warrior of light fighting for justice. What an irony! I dreamed of her and only of her, although I was sure I would never be good enough for her. So much of my time was wasted on doubt and uncertainty. I was afraid of failure. What if she won’t talk to me? What if she laughs at me? I thought I wouldn’t be able to bear it. Well, now I know I am capable of surviving something much worse.
That was the summer it all went wrong. Sunny came back from the camp and was constantly talking about his new friends. He told me how they ran away from the camp each night and had fun in Berlin, and how they met some university guys who helped them to get into one of the coolest clubs in the city. I was jealous and envious, I couldn’t even begin to imagine such adventures.
Gradually we began to drift apart. Sunny was always hanging out with his new friends who I didn’t like, and I was busy with my comic book. If only I knew then how little time we had, I would have done anything to spend more time with him. But I didn’t know, and at the time I felt betrayed by him, when in actual fact it was probably me who betrayed him. I was so occupied with my personal drama over Anna that I didn’t notice his sudden and strange metamorphoses. Sunny became unsociable, and his mood seemed to change twenty times an hour. One minute he was happy and smiling, the next he was depressed or even aggressive. Everyone thought he was just growing up and going through a normal teenage phase – but by the time it came to raise the alarm, it was too late.
That day, Sunny and I decided to skip classes. It was the end of November, and it was snowing for the first time that year. Big, fluffy snowflakes fell as we walked through the park. There was a large old orchard next to the school back then, with tree-lined paths, wooden benches, a pond with ducks and a humpback bridge. It was a crowded place in the summer. Picnickers, sweethearts, artists, and those who liked to read outdoors could be seen under every apple tree. But that day there was nobody at all. The snow had been falling all morning, and the trees bowed under the white caps. Sunny was as happy as a child. He was running on the fresh snow, picking it up and tossing it into the air. I looked at him and laughed, then all of a sudden, he fell to his knees. His shoulders were shaking. I couldn’t see his face at first, so I thought he was laughing too. After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably less than a minute, I rushed to him. He was scooping snow with his hands and looking in front of him. Tears were rolling down his face. It was the first time I’d noticed how blue his eyes were, like the sky in January. His teardrops were huge.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked, sitting beside him. No reaction. He kept staring at something, and he didn’t even seem to blink.
“Sunny,” I slightly patted him on the shoulder. “Hey, what happened? Tell me.”
He closed his eyes, but didn’t make a sound. The falling snow was melting on his cheeks, diluting his tears. I was embarrassed. I’d never seen him cry. We sat like that for a long time, my jeans got wet from the snow. His hands seemed to be freezing, and he put them into his pockets, but he didn’t change his position. I was feeling cold too and was about to suggest we go home, when Sunny spoke.
“We were at a club, seven of us. Alex and I were the only 14, but the others were older. They studied at uni. We had two girls with us, real beauties. They bought us some beer and allowed us to dance with them. We thought it was so cool, and we were so grown up. But then they suggested we try something interesting to have more fun…”
He paused, and I patiently waited. Assumptions, each worse than the last, were lining up in my head, but I didn’t dare ask him to continue. To be honest, I don’t think I wanted to know the truth.
“They offered us some pills.” Sunny rose to his feet after quite an effort. His knees were wet with snow, and he didn’t even shake it off. “I couldn’t say no,” he said quietly and turned to walk away.
I sat and considered his words for a while, then I rose and went after him. “Sunny, you …” I started to say, but couldn’t finish.
He stopped and slowly turned around. I can still see his face with the look of despair, hopelessness and fear.
“I’m an addict, Walter.” His voice broke, then he turned and ran.
I ran after him, but soon fell behind. I didn’t really want to catch up with him. I wanted to wake up. I wanted this conversation to have never happened. I wanted last summer to have never happened too. I thought my world had collapsed. How wrong I was! My world would collapse a bit later.
For a while, everything was as before. Once again, we played “shooters” and “strategies” on the internet, we hung around and played football in the backyard. We barely spoke about his addiction. From time to time, Sunny would say he wanted to quit, but didn’t know where to start. He didn’t know whom to speak to or how to ask for help. He was afraid that if people at school found out, there would be a huge scandal. At best, he would be kicked out and sent to rehab, and this would be a disgrace to his whole family and to our school as well. His parents, as ill-luck would have it, were too busy with their own problems. Out of the blue, they decided that after 15 years of marriage, they were getting a divorce. In their minds, their son was now more or less grown up, and they wanted a second youth. So, Sunny felt almost alone in his fight, and I could not give him the support he needed. After all, I was only 15. I had no idea what to do. We just kept on pretending that nothing was wrong.
3
One day after school, Sunny came up to me. His cheeks were red, his eyes glistened, and his pupils were wildly dilated.
“Come with me,” he whispered. His voice was hoarse.
“Where to?” For some reason, I also spoke in a whisper.
“A dude is having a party.” He moved very close to me. “I want you to meet my friends.”
“Friends?” I said as I tried to step back from him. I didn’t like my personal space violated, even by him.
“You don’t know them,” he replied as he moved closer, “but they are awesome.”
I took another step back and felt the wall behind me. There was no escape. Sunny was waiting for an answer. His breath was heavy and hot, almost like he had a fever. I didn’t want to go with him, but I reluctantly agreed.
He took me to the other side of the town. He knew the area well and had no trouble finding his way along the streets lined with dozens of identical apartment buildings. We went into one of them and took the lift to the fifth floor. The corridors were bright and clean, with potted flowers on windowsills.