Break-Up Club: A smart, funny novel about love and friendship. Lorelei Mathias
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she sighed and looked skywards to the God Of Acne Redemption.
Holly stifled a laugh and pretended to scan Bella’s face. ‘Where? I can’t see it! You look fine.’
‘Two words you must never say to women! Fine or Nice! You know that!’
‘Sorry. OK, well, it’s not as bad as you think.’
‘I thought you couldn’t see it. It’s a proper big momma. And I can already feel it’s got a little baby one coming through just next to it.’
‘You mean it’s “with child”?’
‘Yes!’ Bella said, laughing. ‘But aside from the horror that is my face, I’m really looking forward to getting to work on The List.’
‘List?’
‘Everyone has a list.’
‘The only list I have is a to-do list. It begins with “back up my photos”, and ends in “clean out the cupboard under the stairs”.’
‘No, not that kind of a to-do list. No, THE LIST is the secret wish list you have in your head, of guys you’d sleep with if you were single.’
‘Not me. I’ve never had one of those,’ Holly said, but at the exact moment Leading-Man Luke’s face popped into her head.
‘So yeah. Bollocks to Sam – I’m just dead excited to be single again! I’m like, let’s get out there and shop for sweets! Yeah, instead of thinking, “bollocks, I’ve just lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,” I’ve decided to flip this fucker around!’ Bella stood in the centre of the frozen foods aisle and looked up towards the overhead lighting, her eyes dancing with anticipation for what the future might bring. ‘I’m free! I can dance on my own like nobody’s watching me! At any given moment, wherever I go, whatever I do, I could meet my next love interest! It’s just totally invigorating to know I’ve not yet had my last first kiss!’
‘Well that sounds utterly rubbish,’ Holly said, trying not to be swept away by how entirely exciting singleton-dom sounded, suppressing the tiny voice inside of her that was whispering, ‘I want some of that! Take me with you!’
‘Have you heard from Lawrence?’ Bella added, jolting Holly out of her reverie.
‘No. It’s been a week since we rowed! I think maybe I was too harsh on him. I don’t even know if he’s coming to the party. Should I break the silence?’
‘No, darling. I expect he’s gone into his cave, which means he’ll probably not reply and you’ll feel like shit. No, let’s get the rest of this shopping done so we can get home and crack open the rosé. Everything will seem brighter then.’
Half an hour later, Holly, Bella and their flatmate Daniel were hauling shopping bags up the stairs. Daniel attempted to open the internal front door, but it appeared to be blocked by an incoming tide of coats.
‘OK. Bella that’s it. This is officially no longer a functioning thoroughfare. No one can feasibly need this many coats,’ he said, gesturing to the suspended jumble sale and the full-to-bursting Morrisons plastic bag that hung by a plastic thread on top of them.
Bella looked up and blinked innocently.
‘He does have a point, B. And this Morrison’s bag really has to go. WHAT IS IT?’
Bella frowned. ‘Don’t be mean. It’s the break-up bag. It’s all of Sammy’s shit. I can’t bear to have it in my room, but I also can’t bear to throw it away. So it’s in no man’s land until I can work it out.’
‘Well it’s blocking entry to the flat, so you’ll have to find another place for it,’ Daniel said. ‘It’s practically a Health and Safety violation. Just think if there was a fire…’
Bella, who had already made a start on the rosé on the way home, began to laugh. ‘Hey, it’s the Break-up Bag! From the Break-up Superstore!’ She took the bag off the hook and began sifting through Sam-remnants. Her face became overcast.
‘What’s in it anyway?’ Holly peered into the bag. One pair of trainers, beyond toxic. Two packs of cigarettes, one half empty. Some boxer shorts. A curling toothbrush. A Lynx deodorant. And lastly, a framed piece of paper bearing what could only be described as an actor’s manifesto.
‘What is this…?’ Holly said, reading the manifesto. ‘“The Theatre speaks to the Actor…”’ she began, clearing her throat, ‘“I will give you hunger and pain and sleepless nights… Beauty and glimpses of… Heavenly light, all these I will give to you.’”
‘Give me that!’ Bella wrestled the frame from Holly’s hand. Then she read aloud with pretend-gravitas, “‘None of these things you will have constantly… All these things will be momentary: Adventure, and be bold!’”
Holly doubled over on the floor laughing. Bella slumped down next to her.
‘Well, that confirms it then,’ Holly said.
‘What?’
‘More reasons to break up with Sammy…’ sang Holly, aping the old ‘More reasons to shop at Morrisons’ jingle.
Bella had tears down her face, but was unable to resist joining in with the singing. As they sang in loud, unabashed hollers, their arms doing improvised actions, three coats came cascading to the floor, proving that perhaps the Break-up Bag had been serving a more practical gravity-defying purpose than they’d realised.
Daniel re-emerged from his bedroom and cleared his throat. ‘Right, well, I’m going to start setting up the party. You’re welcome to give me a hand when you’ve finished your pantomime.’ He squeezed past, knocking even more hats and scarves flying. Holly and Bella looked at each other and giggled.
‘In all seriousness though, when will you actually do the break-up exchange? It’s surely not good feng shui to have all these memories around, cluttering the hallway like this?’
Bella laughed, taking another swig of rosé before heave-hoing some of the coats into the hall cupboard. Then she slammed the door after them, oblivious to the stray mitten-on-a-string that kept getting caught in the door frame. ‘Oh why won’t it shut? Why? Why!’
Holly looked up to see that Bella’s face was beginning to crumple – a sign she was on the threshold of hysteria. Uh-oh, not a crying fit, please. That could set them back hours in terms of party preparation time. Holly leaned forward, grabbed the stray mitten and tucked it inside the cupboard. ‘There,’ she said, kissing Bella on the forehead.
‘Thank you,’ Bella replied, slamming the cupboard shut. ‘Why aren’t there people around to help with this stuff, to make life easier? Why aren’t there professionals you can employ to mediate between you and your bastard ex?’
‘You make a good point. Yes, they could be like Break-up Bailiffs! You hire them for a nominal fee, and they do the awkward exchange of stuff, so you don’t have to!’
‘Yes! Hell, they could bring me my sleeping bag that I left at his! And my purple tights! And my…’ Bella trailed off, her face flushed. ‘Oh my giddy Christ. I’ve left my COCKING rabbit at his. Is there anything in this world more ridiculous?’
The image of Sam cleaning out his drawers and discovering one of Bella’s many battery-operated devices was too much to prevent them from collapsing into giggles again.
‘Or, here’s a thought,’ Bella said when they regained composure, ‘instead of Break-up Bailiffs, maybe there should be some kind of art exhibition, like a kind of heartache amnesty? It’d be like TFL’s lost and found, only much, much sadder!’
‘Oh yes! And we could call it “Loved and Lost”, like from that Tennyson poem you hate!’
‘And people could auction off some of the stuff! Like, it’s too sad for me to wear those red LK Bennett shoes that Sam bought me, but someone else might just get loads of use out of