Walking Behind Schizophrenic Eyes. Perry Ritthaler
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miss the heat and sunshine in Florida; and the sunset setting over the ocean. When I look outside now all I can see is death and frozen landscape. All the vegetation is brown or gone; and the ground is covered in thin patches of dirty grey snow.
Alberta in the early spring looks like a nuclear wasteland compared to Florida.
I feel very sad and depressed; so far away from the sunshine in Florida. Tears have slowly been sliding down the sides of my face for the last hundred miles; and my bloodshot eyeballs feel like they are going to fall out of my head.
I am cold and my thoughts inside of my mind are negative and scattered without my marijuana. My back is in constant pain. Every time I move I feel like I have three razor blades twisting into the joints in my spine.
From my seat I can see the Calgary Greyhound bus depot. I start to collect my things from under the seat. My voices tell me someone on the bus has a suitcase full of my money they plan to keep. The voices quietly tell me; if I figure out what person is stealing my money; I may be able to take the case away from them and home with me.
I eyeball all the different people on the bus; and they are all trying to get off the bus fast; I wonder who has my money.
I yell “give me my money;” and everyone stops what they are doing to stare at me. So who knows which one stealing my money?
Poetry
The Warrior Ticks Like A Time Bomb In My Mind
I keep my marijuana handy
I feel like a child eating candy
My emotions splinter in my mind
Thought patterns that start to unwind
My mind slowly changed
Political activist with ideas deranged
My mind delusional when I smoke a joint
A crippled mind unable to make a point
I remember my first kill
Emotions out of my heart spill
A security report created in my head
Ended with a family man dead
Listening to the voices in my mind
My work improves as I work blind
Team work created decisions in my mind
We argue over killing fighting blind
Feeling more confused day-by-day
I long for my private time when I pray
A brain invaded with parts left dead
My life controlled by the voices in my head
Voices taunting me when I sleep
Sexy words creating fantasies deep
Laugh at me when I sexually unwind
Sending me to war with the ones in my mind
Crying most days feeling entwined
Held prisoner by my shattered mind
I walk around afraid to think
Tears flow from my eyes when I blink
I am sick in the head
One bullet then I’m dead
Afraid my family will see me lie
I never tell them why I cry
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