M.O.E.. Linda Blum
Читать онлайн книгу.
bad it turned off your light.
What a way to go,
I’m sure you’re happy now Uncle Leo
For those who weren’t good with the written word, they choose to draw pictures instead. There was one tacky drawing of two stick people doing it, with the caption “In honour of Uncle Leo.”
The real clincher to all of this was when Judy noticed Uncle Leo’s death certificate on display beside his casket. At closer inspection she noted the reason for his death was highlighted in yellow. A buzz of soft laughter could be heard behind Judy. When she turned around she saw Ren and Rick reading the certificate, as well as his casket. Hope was standing beside them with a look of dismay on her face. Judy came up beside her.
“Are you alright?” Judy asked.
“I can’t believe all this,” Hope said waving her hand towards the casket.
“I know. It’s unbelievable,” Judy commented dryly.
Just then Grandma Nora came over.
“I’m going to ring Morty’s neck,” Grandma Nora fumed. “I was hoping Leo’s demise would be lower key, not so blatantly obvious.”
“It’s every man’s dream to die while having sex...”Ren stopped when the women glared at him.
Rick tried to save him. “What Ren means is that it’s not every day someone dies while in bed. Beats dying of cancer or a heart attack.”
Their analogy wasn’t helping matters. Grandma Nora was still upset. Things got worse when two women began shouting.
“You’re a slut!”
“Better a slut than being cold and rigid.”
“Why you...”
Judy, along with the others, turned towards the shouting to notice Aunt Myrna beside Betty Holmes.
“How could you sleep with my boyfriend,” Aunt Myrna shrieked.
“I wouldn’t have if you put out,” Betty shot back.
“What Leo and I did is none of your business!”
“According to Leo you didn’t do much.”
A dark look crossed over Aunt Myrna’s face at her comment.
“Leo called looking for a good time,” Betty said. “I told him I wasn’t interested since I knew he was seeing someone, but he told me it was over.”
“You’re lying,” Aunt Myrna accused.
Betty shook her head. “Leo said he broke it off because you wouldn’t sleep with him. Personally, I thought you were nuts considering Leo had a lot to offer a woman in the goods department, if you know what I mean.”
Aunt Myrna’s face turned beet red. Hope was waiting to see steam come out from her ears.
Betty went up to his casket. “Look at him he died with a smile on his face thanks to me.”
Aunt Myrna lunged at Betty and a scuffle broke out. Relatives watched on, placing bets on which women would win the fight. The funeral director pushed past everyone to break up the brawl. Once the women were pulled apart, the crowd dispersed. The funeral director led a crying Aunt Myra away. Betty took her place beside Leo standing proud as a peacock, while looking adoringly down at him. People came up in droves to speak to Betty about Leo’s final minutes. She told everyone that Leo’s last words before he died were to have his death certificate portrayed at his funeral for the world to see.
Judy had heard about enough and went to get a drink with Ren, Rick, and Hope.
“That was a disaster,” Judy groaned.
“I feel sorry for Aunt Myrna,” Hope commented.
“How did she end up with Judy’s uncle?” Rick questioned.
Hope shrugged. “Maybe it was that opposites attract thing.”
Judy shook her head. “My uncle liked a challenge, especially with women. He was probably biding his time, waiting for the right moment to talk her into going to bed.”
“Obviously there never was a right moment, since he was caught in bed with someone else,” Hope said in disgust.
“Everyone knew my uncle was a dawg,” Judy said. “That’s why I was surprised to see your aunt with him.”
“He was more than a dawg!” Someone bellowed. “He was a moron!”
They turned around to find Grandma Nora storming over to them.
“I cannot believe my son,” she hissed.
“Now Grandma it’s not that bad,” Judy said.
“He’s in a pine box with sexual declarations, as well as graphic pictures, on it praising his demise. Then he has the gall to have his death certificate on exhibit, as if it’s some artifact to be admired.”
“I guess Uncle Leo wanted to go out with a bang,” Ren commented.
“He got banged alright, right into the grave,” Rick chuckled.
Grandma Nora ignored them and continued, “Then to top it all off, Leo’s mistress flaunts her wantonness in Myrna’s face to embarrass her.”
Just as Grandma was finishing up her tirade, her grand children, Ted and Kyle walked by.
“It’s too bad the funeral guy broke up the fight,” Ted commented. “I placed bets on Betty to win.”
Kyle shook his head. “No way. Did you see the look on Myrna’s face? She looked like she could have killed her.”
“That would have been cool if she had,” Ted said. “Then Uncle Leo’s lover could have been laid out along with him.”
“It would have been kind of romantic, wouldn’t it?” Kyle said.
As the two commiserated over sentimental gestures, they didn’t notice Grandma Nora come up behind them and clock each one in the head with her purse.
“Ow,” Kyle moaned rubbing his head.
“What was that for?” Kyle asked.
“You two are morons just like your uncle Leo.”
A puzzled Ted and Kyle watched as their grandmother stalked angrily away to go talk to Morty.
Judy sighed. “I’d better go and run interference before Grandma uses her purse on Morty.”
Judy took off, leaving a baffled Ted and Kyle still wondering what they had done.
Ted turned to Ren. “What’s wrong with Grandma Nora?”
“Leo’s death has been rough on her,” he replied.
“Well she didn’t have to take it out on us,” Kyle whined.
“Go easy on her boys. This is the second son she’s had to bury, along with her daughter.” Ren warned.
Sympathetic looks crossed over their faces at his comment, as it wasn’t that long ago they had attended Will and Vera’s funeral.
“Point taken,” Kyle said.
“I think we should just stay away from her,” Ted added.
“That may be a good idea,” Ren said.
Judy got to her grandmother just in time. She was about to hit Morty with her purse when Judy showed up to disarm her.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Grandma yelled.
“Now Nora, this is how Leo wanted to go,” he said.
“This is a disgrace to the dead,” Nora huffed.
Morty shook his head. “Leo’s death will go down in