Candide: A Play in Five Acts. Voltaire
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You have the prettiest possible figure—it’s made to be taken—And I am taking it—You have the rosiest, the freshest mouth possible—it was made to be kissed and I am kissing it.
PAQUETTE
Oh—but someone could see us.
PANGLOSS
Come, delicious Paquette—match your arguments against mine in this ditch. It will be very well for us to see if the same causes always produce the same effects. (He leads her into the ditch at the same time as Candide and Cunegonde enter the same ditch)
CANDIDE
Let’s continue to inform ourselves, darling Cunegonde.
CUNEGONDE
Without a doubt it’s a lesson in Philosophy—a private lesson! (They observe the frolics of Pangloss and Paquette which have become invisible)
CANDIDE
That to me has the appearance of experimental physics.
CUNEGONDE
Paquette appears to me to be very advanced—
CANDIDE
Yes—She’s a fine pupil.
CUNEGONDE
Experimental physics is a very interesting science.
CANDIDE
Thrilling!
CUNEGONDE
Ah, Candide, it seems to me, that I too, I have an inclination towards this beautiful science.
CANDIDE
My darling Cunegonde.
CUNEGONDE
My dear Candide—I feel very—moved—
CANDIDE
I have a heart that beats—that beats—(Cunegonde lets her fan fall—Candide picks it up—He takes her hand gracefully—and kisses it with excitement. She smiles—He embraces her)
BARON
(First speechless, then raising his arm) Oh!
BARONESS
(Raising her arm) For goodness sakes!
GRAND ALMONER
(Raising his arm) Heavens!
CANDIDE
I won’t do it anymore!
BARON
Bandit!
BARONESS
Swine!
GRAND ALMONER
Rake! (The Baron rushes at Candide, who flees—he catches him and gives him a big kick in the behind that propels him into the wings)
BARON
Don’t let me ever see you here again—for any reason. (Meanwhile the Baroness has socked Cunegonde who promptly faints)
GRAND ALMONER
Oh! My God! What a tragedy in the beautiful Château of Milord and Milady—I implore the aid of Heaven! (Enter Pangloss and Paquette, then the servants)
PANGLOSS
What’s going on? (The Baron returns)
BARON
That dirty rat allowed himself to embrace my daughter—I’ve given him a big kick in the ass—!
PAQUETTE
(Aside) Poor boy!
PANGLOSS
Well—There’s an excellent proof of my philosophy. Candide has an ass and Milord the Baron has a foot—! The foot is quite naturally lodged in that ass.—Which proves everything is made for the best end—and that everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.
CUNEGONDE
(Coming to) Oh, Mother, it was despite me that he embraced me—I swear it!
PANGLOSS
The honor of Miss Cunegonde is avenged. The Baron is the most fair and most powerful lord in Westphalia. The Baroness is the most vigilant and worthy of mothers—Therefore my friends. Let’s shout “Long live the Baron! Long live the Baroness!”
ALL
“Long live the Baron! Long live the Baroness!”
B L A C K O U T
ACT I
SCENE 2
A public square called a Square of Arms in the Bulgarian village of Waldberghoff—Trark—Bdikdorff surrounded by Bulgarian style houses.
On the right, a cabaret, by the door of which are seated at a table, with bottles and two glasses, two NCO recruiters for the glorious Bulgarian Army.
AT RISE, the two NCOs are seated at the table—clinking their glasses.
1st NCO
I drink to the health of His Majesty, The King of the Bulgars, our glorious sovereign. (Rising) To the health of His Majesty, The King of the Bulgars—our glorious sovereign (They drink and sit back down. The 2nd NCO rises after having filled both cups) I drink to the glorious Bulgarian army. (They drink)
2nd NCO
(Rising and clinking his glass with his comrade) To the Glorious Bulgarian Army. (They drink, refill and without sitting) To the Glorious Bulgarian infantry! (They drink) To the Glorious Bulgarian Cavalry. (They drink, fill up, etc)
1st NCO
To the Glorious Bulgarian artillery!
2nd NCO
To the Glorious Bulgarian artillery! (They drink)
1st NCO
(Raising a bottle) The bottles are empty. And we still have to drink to the glorious Bulgarian genius, the glorious Bulgarian Quartermaster, and the glorious Bulgarian health service.
2nd NCO
That will be for tonight, tomorrow and the day after. We have plenty of time!
1st NCO
No—Tomorrow and the days following we will have to celebrate the glorious victories of the glorious Bulgarian army.
2nd NCO
To which we contribute by sending to battle all the brave young men, healthy and well built, and measuring at least five feet four that we can recruit. (With a cordial glance to a handsome young man who passes by) Hey, there!—Handsome blonde fellow—A little glass of wine? (The person spoken to responds with negative disdain and makes off speedily)
1st NCO
That didn’t work. Attention, have a peep at those strapping fellows! That’s our business. (Two young vigorous men come forward, turning) Well, comrades, it’s a great day—war has been declared!
2nd NCO
Let’s all shout, “Long live war!”
THE TWO YOUNG MEN
(Weakly) Long live war!
2nd NCO
Bravo.
1st NCO
(Trying to pull them) Come, comrades, we are going to enroll you under the laughing banner.
1st YOUNG MAN
(Pulling away, sneering) Do you think so?
2nd YOUNG MAN
No—just a joke.
2nd NCO
But anyway—come shout, “Long live war!”
1st YOUNG MAN
I’ll do that when you