Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation. Evelina Weidman Sterling
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last right is increasingly difficult to define. When we raised this question in the first edition of this book, we received criticism from some older parents who felt we were biased. We took this criticism seriously and examined it, trying to distinguish between what may be personal bias and what may truly be in the best interests—or not—of children. Our conversations, between ourselves and with others, have led to a more flexible approach in this book, recognizing that there are many benefits to older parenting.
People feel differently about genetics and gestation
Women who donate eggs, whether to family members, friends or strangers, are able to do so because they do not see an egg as “their child.” When asked what the egg means to them, they will often liken it to blood—a valuable and useful part of their bodies that they can give to someone else because they do not need it.
Not everyone feels this way. There are many women who say they “could never give away my genetic material.” Often these same women can say with confidence, “I’d be happy to carry someone else’s baby for them, but I could never give them my eggs.”
Our point is that people feel very differently about genetics and gestational ties. For some, all that really matters are the genetic ties—these are the links to generations past and future. To others, it is the act of pregnancy—of gestating a child and giving birth—that really matters.
It is important, as you read this book, for you to think about how you feel about genes and gestation. There is no right or wrong, better or worse. We are simply acknowledging the natural differences among people. You need to understand where you are on the genes/gestation spectrum and where your partner is. Only then can you face decisions about egg donation clearly and honestly. If genetic ties are crucial to you, you may be most comfortable with an intrafamily donation if one is available to you. Or you may decide to pursue adoption, feeling “it is only fair that if one of us cannot have a genetic tie to our child, neither of us can.”
The Gordon family represents a spectrum of genetic and gestational bonds. Carla has gestational ties to all four of her children but genetic ties to two. Rob, who was prepared to parent without any genetic ties to his children, ended up with genetic links to three of his four children. The parents and the children are aware of the differences that exist in the family, but, as Carla explains it, these differences are simply there. For example, she feels a touch of pleasure when Rebecca comments on how much she and Jake—who share no genetic link—look alike.
Carrying and delivering a baby forges strong bonds
Having just acknowledged that genes are of paramount importance to some people and of relatively less importance to others, we turn to the significance of pregnancy. Even those who would choose a genetic connection over a gestational one, if they could make that choice, often find that carrying a child for nine months—or sharing a pregnancy with one’s partner for nine months—forges powerful bonds. Carla Gordon, who shared a genetic connection with her first two children, spoke to this bond when she so proudly affirmed, “I grew their hearts, I grew their brains, and I fed them for nine months and grew them with all the love I could possibly give.”
Epigenetics and microchimerism are two fairly recent concepts that fortify the significance of gestational bonds. Epigenetics is the study of heritable changes in gene expression or cellular phenotype caused by mechanisms other than changes in the underlying DNA sequence. Microchimerism is the presence of a small number of cells that originate in one individual and cross the placenta into another. Women pregnant through egg donation are often comforted to know that their cells will live on in their child for years to come.
Couples can strengthen their relationships as they journey through infertility and gamete donation
“Whatever doesn’t break us will make us stronger.” This certainly applies to infertility, which is, for most couples, a devastating life crisis. Although some relationships may crumble under the stress of infertility, many are strengthened. Surely the process of exploring and possibly attempting an egg donor pregnancy has the potential to strengthen a relationship. The process forces people to take a serious look at why they want to be parents together, how they will share a parenthood that is not genetically equal, how they will respect the importance of privacy while avoiding the hazards of secrecy.
Pregnancy and parenthood through egg donation are legitimate and authentic
If you choose egg donation, you should do so believing that you have a right to this decision and to the child or children it brings into your life. Sadly, we meet women who work so hard to conceive through egg donation but react to a positive pregnancy test by feeling “fake.” Although this feeling seems to diminish as a pregnancy unfolds, some feelings of being not-quite-a-real-parent linger, sometimes even after a child is born. We remind you again of Carla Gordon’s affirming words: “I grew their hearts, I grew their brains.” If you make this choice and if it works, you will grow your baby. More important still, you will raise this child. You’ll be the tooth fairy and the carpool pick-up and the one who lies awake at night when your newly minted driver is out on the road. If that isn’t real parenthood, we don’t know what is!
Look ahead, not behind
“We shouldn’t have waited so long,” “I shouldn’t have focused so much on my career.” “My husband and I should have met earlier,” “We shouldn’t have waited until we had a house…” And on it goes. Regrets? All too often, they are heavy and unnecessary burdens. We remind you that none of us make decisions planning to one day regret them. If you move forward with egg donation, try to cast off the demons of regret and focus instead on the path that lies ahead.
Now that we’ve trashed regret, we want to put in a bit of a good word for it—or at least for “anticipatory regret.” By this we refer to making decisions with an eye towards what one might later regret. The question of anticipatory regret arises in egg donation when it comes to donor selection, costs, anonymity. As you confront important decisions regarding egg donation, pause along the way and think about how you—or your future child—may feel about those decisions in the future.
The meaning of donor conception changes over time
When they first think about having a baby through egg donation, many people struggle with the concept. Women fear they will not feel like “real” mothers. This is a concern that remains with many, even well into parenthood. However, as time passes, as diapers are changed, these concerns are likely to fade and others arise. Dr. Maggie Kirkman, an Australian psychologist and researcher who has interviewed many women who are mothers through egg donation, confirms: “One of the most notable findings in my research is the way in which the meaning of donor assisted conception, including egg donation, changes over time and according to what else is happening in the family’s life” (Kirkman 2003a). As she picks up toys scattered about, rushes to drive carpool and hurries to get to soccer practice, Carla Gordon will certainly agree that her focus has changed!
The people you meet along the way will shape your journey
As you consider egg donation, you will be talking with physicians, nurses, mental health counselors, parents through egg donation and, possibly, egg donors. The things people say to you and the approaches they take to this decision will influence your decision making. You will also be influenced by the comments—knowing and unknowing—of friends, family and acquaintances. Ultimately, you will be making your own decision, but it would be foolish for us to suggest that that decision is made in a vacuum.
Finances and geography will influence your decisions
As if infertility wasn’t enough, people considering egg donation often face geographical and financial challenges. Depending upon the laws in the state or country where you live, egg donation may be more or less available to you. If you live in Italy, you will have to travel internationally to pursue this option. Should you seek anonymous donation and live in the UK, you might need to travel to Spain, the Czech Republic or another country that still permits anonymous donors. If you live in the US, in a state that mandates health insurance coverage for egg donation, the process may be comfortably within your reach.
The blessing and curse of the “meant to be”
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