The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10. Louise Rennison
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nose, like Amy in Little Women, if it would make it smaller? Why couldn’t Mum choose someone with a normal sized hooter to marry?
8:30 p.m.
I asked Mum why she married Dad (he was bowling with Uncle Eddie – I ask you). She thought for a bit and then she said, “He makes me laugh.” He makes her laugh. He makes her laugh. Well, Bart Simpson makes me laugh, but I’m not going to marry him.
Midnight
Hahahahahahahaha.
Monday September 21st
8:00 a.m.
Eleven days to the party.
Tuesday September 22nd
9:30 a.m.
Someone farted in assembly this morning (I suspect Nauseating P. Green). Whoever it was, it was really loud and during the silence we were having to think about all the poor people. And it wasn’t just a quick one, it was a knee-trembler. Jas, Ellen, Julia and me were shrieking with laughter, well everyone was. I was laughing for most of the day and now my stomach hurts.
Thursday September 24th
5:30 p.m.
In bed. I’m absolutely frozen. I may have TB. Honestly, Miss Stamp is obviously a sex pervert as well as clearly being a lesbian. Why else would anyone make girls run around in sports knickers hitting a ball with sticks? She calls it hockey – I call it the sick wanderings of a sick mind. If I miss this party because of lesbian lust Miss Stamp WILL DIE. SHE WILL DIE.
Friday September 25th
10:00 a.m.
A sighting at last!! On the way to school we saw Tom. He actually stopped to chat, he said, “Hi, having fun?”
I said, “Yes, what could be more fun than being with sadistic loonies for eight hours every day?”
He laughed and said, directly to Jas, “Are you going to Katie’s party?”
Jas went all pink and white, then sort of pinky-white apart from the tip of her nose which remained red. I must remember to tell her what she looked like. She managed to reply and he said, “Well, I look forward to seeing you there.”
Jas was ecstatic. “Did you hear what he said?”
“Yes.”
“He said, ‘Are you going to Katie’s party?’”
“Yes.”
“He said, ‘Well, I look forward to seeing you there.’”
“Yes.”
“He said, ‘I look forward to seeing you there.’”
“We’ve been through this.”
“He said, ‘I look forward to seeing you there,’... to me. He said ‘you’ because he meant me.”
“Er, Jas.”
“Yes?”
“Will you shut up now?”
5:00 p.m.
She didn’t though.
Herr Kamyer didn’t take us for physics as he has a cold. Double damn. When am I going to have any fun? Sacré bleu.
Saturday September 26th
10:00 a.m.
Went for a moody autumn walk with Libby in her pushchair. She was singing, “I am the Queen, oh, I am the Queen.” She wouldn’t take off the fairy wings that I had made for her. It was a nightmare getting her into the pushchair. The clouds were scudding across the sky but it was quite sunny and crisp. I cheered up enough to join in the singing with Libby. We were both yelling, “I am the Queen, oh, I am the Queen!” and that’s when he got out of a red mini. Robbie. The SG. He saw me and said, “Oh hello, we’ve met before, haven’t we?”
I smiled brilliantly, trying to do it without making my nose spread out over all my face. It’s a question of relaxing the mouth, putting the tongue behind the back teeth but slightly flaring the nostrils so that they don’t go wild. He looked at me a bit oddly.
“Apples,” I said wittily.
“Oh yeah,” he said, “the shop, you and your friend.”
He smiled again. He was dreamy when he smiled. Then he bent down to Libby who, true to form, gave him one of her scary “I am a crazy child” looks. She said, “I am the queen,” and he said, “Are you?” (Ooohhh, he’s so lovely to children.)
Then Libby said, “Yes, I am the queen and Georgia did a big poo this morning.”
I couldn’t believe it. He could not believe it. Nobody could believe it. It was unbelievable, that’s why. He stood up quickly and I said, “Er, well, I’d better be going.”
And he said, “Yes, see you later.”
And I thought, Think Sharon Stone, think Sharon Stone. So I said, “Yes, well I’ll probably see you at Katie’s party,” and he said, “No, I’m not going, I’m doing something else that night.”
7:00 p.m.
“Georgia did a big poo...”
7:05 p.m.
“No, I’m not going, I’m doing something else that night.”
7:06 p.m.
Does life get any worse?
8:00 p.m.
Yes it does. Dad has just put his head round the door to say, “James is popping over tomorrow. We thought we’d all go to Stanmer Park for the day.”
Sunday September 27th
10:00 p.m.
James tried to kiss me!!!
It was disgusting. He’s my cousin. It’s incest. I can’t even think about it or I’ll be sick. Erlack erlack.
10:05 p.m.
It was in my room after a horriblement day spent tramping around a bloody park. How old do they think I am? They made me go on a seesaw. I, of course, snagged my new tights.
So a summary of my lovely day out is... I snagged my tights, then I was attacked by my cousin. Perfectamondo. In my room!!!
10:07 p.m.
When we got back James and me were listening to records and reading old joke books and suddenly he switched off the light and said, “Shall we play tickly bears?” Tickly bears!! We used to play that when we were about five. One person would be the tickly bear and they would chase the other person and tickle them and, er... that’s it. I was so shocked (and also couldn’t see a thing in the dark) that I just sort of went “Nnnnnnnnnn”. And then he said, “Grr gotcha!” and started tickling me. It was the most embarrassing thing. But it didn’t end there – a sort of wet thing touched my face near my nose. I leaped up like a salmon and stumbled for the light. James sort of stood up and then he picked up a joke book and started reading it. So I did as well. Then he got taken home by my dad. The wet thing on the nose incident was never mentioned. Like the leg.
I don’t think I can stand much more of this.
Monday September 28th
11:00 a.m.
At break I told Jas and Jools everything. They went, “Errgghhhlack, that’s truly disgusting. Your cousin? That is sad.” Jools said that she had actually seen her brother’s “how’s your father” quite often. She said, “it’s quite nice, really, like a mouse.” She lives in a world of her own (thank God). Well bless us, Tiny Tim, one and all, I say.
4:15 p.m.
On the way home. I could kill Jas. She’s all excited about the