Spring at Lavender Bay. Sarah Bennett
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does drive him to distraction with her appearance. I wonder if he understands it’s all a front and beneath that hard shell she’s more soft and vulnerable than either you or Eliza. I know you see it too, so you must promise to take good care of her when I’m gone.
And so I find myself coming back to the point again, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, because if you’re reading this then it means my time is up. Hopefully, you won’t be reading this letter any time soon, and I’ve just got a silly case of the new year blues, but there are things I want you to know, things I should have explained to you, but have never quite got around to.
Dr Walsh keeps telling me to slow down, but what’s the point in that? We’ve been managing my angina for the past couple of years, and though the pills don’t work like they used to, there’s life in this old dog yet! He wants to me have surgery, but I can’t abide the idea of being cut open like that, and there are lots of people more deserving of the over-stretched resources of our lovely NHS than an old biddy like me.
It’s all right though, I’m quite ready. Oh, I shall miss you like the devil, and this place I’ve been lucky enough to call home for the past eighty-odd years, but I think I’m just about done.
I know you’ll be sad, my darling, and I wish more than anything I could be there with you now to give you a hug. You’ve brought so much joy to my life, I bless God every day for bringing you into this world. I’ve missed you, and I don’t say that to make you feel guilty, but it’s the truth. I can’t help but worry about you, Beth, because I know something’s happened and I wish you would talk to me about it.
Libby let slip about Charlie, but I don’t want to force you to talk about it, so we keep having those silly conversations when you tell me everything is fine, and I pretend to believe you. It’s like you’ve lost your sunshine, and I know how that feels. Perhaps you think I’m too old to understand a heartbreak, but of all the things I’ve forgotten over my life, that pain is the one thing which never seems to fade.
And that’s why I want to warn you, darling, not to let it take you over the way I once did until being on your own becomes a habit you cannot break. I loved him so much you see, so I never let myself get over it—and that’s a regret I’ll live with for whatever days and weeks remain to me. It might seem impossible now, but you must let the disappointment go. Promise me!
I’m going to be awful and make a dying request to you. I know it’s self-indulgent and I’ll play on your guilt if I have to, because this is important. Look for love, Beth. Keep your heart and your mind open, and don’t let your fear of being hurt hold you back. Life’s hard, it hurts so much sometimes it can be tempting to hide from it. Be as bold and vibrant as I know you can be, dearest, and know I’m looking down and cheering you on.
And so we come to the emporium. So many happy memories, I hope for you as well as me, but it’s okay to let it go. I’m leaving it to you with no strings attached. Keep it if you wish, but don’t you dare hang onto it just because you think that’s what I’d want you to do. I’ll come back and haunt the bloody place if you do!
If you are happy in London, then sell up with my blessing and use the money to give yourself a safety net. If you’re not, then maybe consider giving the bay a second chance. There’s so much to love about the place, so please think about coming home and letting it give you the comfort you need, even for a little while.
Right, enough rambling from me. I’m going to make myself a cup of cocoa, with as many marshmallows as I can cram into my mug. The best thing about this aging lark is I don’t have to worry about my waistline anymore!
With all my very fondest love, now and always.
Eleanor xxx
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