Sinner. Jacqui Rose
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the money into her hand, caught underneath the ten-pound notes was a piece of paper. It fluttered down to the muddy ground. Frowning, Alfie picked it up but when he did so he physically recoiled as if an electric bolt had gone through him. His head swam, and a wave of nausea passed over him. He’d forgotten he had one of the letters in his pocket.
Spotting the change in Alfie’s demeanour, and seeing how ashen he’d suddenly become, Shannon asked, ‘What’s that?’
Beginning to tremble, Alfie rubbed his chest, feeling the familiar tightness return as a cold sweat ran down his back. Scrunching the letter up and pushing it as far down in the pocket of his jeans as possible, Alfie tried to sound as casual as he could. ‘Nothing … it’s … it’s just a letter.’
‘Must be something bad to make you look like that. You’ve gone proper pale, mate. Go on, what is it?’
Glancing back at her, Alfie pulled himself together. ‘Now who’s the nosy one?’
Something like a shy smile touched the corners of Shannon’s mouth. It was the first time anyone had been nice to her in longer than she could remember. In fact, when she really thought about it, apart from Charlie giving her the odd free rock of crack now and then, there’d been no one in her life who had been particularly kind to her. The only thing she remembered of her mother was her being out of it on heroin. And as for her auntie who took her in, well, she would hardly describe her as the warmest of women.
Not wanting to think too much about the past, Shannon turned her attention back to Alfie, wiping her nose on the back of her hand as flakes of dried blood fell out of her nostrils. ‘Suit yourself, don’t tell me then.’
Changing the subject completely, Alfie asked, ‘How old are you anyway?’
Shannon paused, contemplating her reply, before confidently saying, ‘I’m twenty.’
‘You look younger than that.’
Trying to appear casual, Shannon shrugged again. ‘You asked me how old I was, not how old I looked, and I couldn’t care less if you believe me or not.’
Feeling the twinge in his knee from crouching, Alfie stood up. ‘Okay, well if I can’t persuade you to let me buy you a cup of tea, I’ll be off … But look after yourself, little miss nameless, and like I say, I’m Alfie, and if you ever need a chat or just somewhere to have a drink, pop into my club. It’s on Sutton Row. It’s just before you get to the corner of Falconberg Mews … And here, if you won’t take my jacket at least take my jumper. It’s going to be cold today.’
Back in Woolwich, Bree had made up her mind. Even though it was cold, the sun was shining through the window, and there was no way she was going to spend yet another afternoon cooped up inside.
Yes, she’d promised Franny not to go out, but then Franny had promised her that the days wouldn’t run into weeks and the weeks wouldn’t run into months. What was she expected to do? And besides, it wasn’t hurting anyone, not if she was careful, and one thing she was good at was being careful; she’d spent all her married life having to sneak and creep about, just so she was able to get out for a few hours here and there, so she was now somewhat expert at it.
Smiling at her daughter who was fast asleep in the cot, Bree picked her up, careful not to wake her as she wrapped her up tightly in a pink cashmere blanket. She gently placed her in the baby stroller Franny had bought from Harrods, when she’d first found out she was pregnant. Before things had got tense between them.
Checking she’d got her keys, Bree bounced Mia down the stairs in the stroller. At the bottom, before walking into the communal area, she took a deep breath. She shouldn’t feel guilty about going outside. There was nothing wrong with it, nothing at all. But then, why did she feel like she was doing something so bad? It wasn’t a crime, and it wasn’t Franny who had to stay indoors day in and day out, seeing and speaking to nobody, and as much as Franny refused to hear her when she said that living this way reminded her of her old life, that’s exactly what it felt like, and all the old triggers, all her old demons seemed like they were coming back.
She felt down, lonely. She’d even go as far as saying she was depressed, and she wanted out, but at the moment it seemed like Franny was holding all the cards, not just because she was indebted to her for what she’d done by helping her to keep Mia, but also financially. And she was certainly grateful, but right now she refused to let the thought of Franny stop her taking Mia out for some fresh air. After all, she was a grown woman and she could do what she liked.
With a renewed sense of determination, Bree stood in the communal hallway of the maisonettes, pushing away her guilt and hesitating only for a moment before she stepped out into the sunshine, feeling the warm wind on her face.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The last time she’d been outside was when she’d gone into labour with Mia, and Mia had come early, so that made it almost four and a half months ago.
It was crazy, she knew that and she was embarrassed to admit even to herself that over time she’d become slightly wary of Franny, even going so far as to say she was afraid of her. Not that she thought Franny would actually hurt her, but there was an intensity about Franny that hadn’t been there before, as well as an unhealthy concern for Mia.
On the odd occasion when she had tried to stand up for herself, well she was no match for Franny, and before she knew it – and maybe she was just being silly to think it – but in some strange way she felt Franny was keeping her prisoner.
Sighing, Bree crossed over the road in the direction of Woolwich Church Street, not wanting her thoughts to ruin the day. She pushed the buggy along the pavement, minding the potholes, strewn rubbish and discarded pieces of well-chewed gum, and taking in the surroundings she’d never really explored before.
She’d managed to find a five-pound note in one of her jacket pockets, which must have been there from before the birth, and now she was going to get herself a McDonald’s. It was stupid really, but she couldn’t help smiling at the idea of being able to order a cheeseburger without anyone telling her she wasn’t allowed.
Cutting through a back alleyway, Bree sighed heavily as she unsuccessfully tried to stop thinking about her situation. How things had come to this, she didn’t know. One minute she was with Alfie thinking about their future, and the next? The next his long-term girlfriend was helping her hide out. It was all such a mess.
Although she’d walked out on Alfie, that didn’t make her stop caring … or stop loving him for that matter. Not that she’d ever tell Franny that. That was the last thing she would do, and she’d no doubt that it was possibly the last thing Franny would want to hear. The problem wasn’t Alfie, the problem had always been his lifestyle. And there was no way he was ever going to give it up. It was what made him tick. It was in his DNA but bringing a baby into that life and all that came with it – the danger, the people, the uncertainty – it just wasn’t the way she wanted to live.
It hadn’t been an easy decision and as much as it hurt to the point it felt at times like a sharp object was pressing into her chest, it’d been the right one, and she knew however much she missed, loved and adored Alfie, doing the right thing for Mia had to come first.
Having cleaned herself up in the public toilets, Shannon was now almost skipping down the road. She smiled to herself as she felt the money that Alfie had given her in her pocket. He’d been a strange guy. An odd guy. He hadn’t been bad-looking, actually he’d been really handsome, but it was weird that somebody, especially a bloke, had given her something for nothing.
She’d half expected him to be waiting around the corner for her, playing out some pervy role-play, a fantasy; him acting as her stalker and chasing her along the streets, only for it to end up with them having sex down some dirty, cold alleyway. But he hadn’t been there. He was nowhere to be seen. And although she hadn’t wanted to get off with him and be forced to earn out the fifty quid he’d given her, she’d actually been slightly disappointed because it’d been nice just to talk to somebody who didn’t treat her like she was something nasty stuck to the bottom