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you and many others would regard it as wrong. And if you buy the excuse and back off or back down, it's game, set, and match. That's how manipulation works.
Some of you are embarking on careers that don't necessarily involve working directly with patients. Perhaps you're planning on working in academia or some other nonclinical setting. But you're still likely to encounter all the different types of aggression I outlined earlier on at least some occasions. Our professional working environments are by nature highly competitive and relatively insecure, so they frequently condone, enable, and even promote aggressive behavior of all types. By far the most common form of aggression you're likely to encounter is covert‐aggression (i.e. manipulation).
16.4 Tactics Used by the Covert‐Aggressor
There are several kinds of covertly aggressive (manipulative) behaviors, and you're likely to encounter some more often than others in nonclinical professional settings. These are discussed next.
16.4.1 Covert Intimidation
Of course, every workplace has its bully. But overt intimidation is not generally the manipulator's game. Covert‐aggressors find it more effective to make carefully veiled threats to get people to cave in to their demands. There are many ways to stealthily intimidate others. Principal among them are:
1 Selective treatment. Singling the target out for “special treatment.”
2 Systematic exclusion or ostracizing. Leaving the target to feel abandoned and alone if he or she doesn't “play ball” in the manner the manipulator wants.
3 Covert rewards and punishers. Subtly providing for pleasant rewards to come a person's way for compliance while stealthily imposing negative consequences for noncompliance.
When covert means of intimidation fail, manipulators will often turn to more overt forms, still careful, however, not to be so blatantly obvious or easily discoverable in their behavior that they'll tarnish their image or invite sanction. Some of the more overt tactics include emotional, personal, occupational, and career “blackmail.”
16.4.2 Lying
At first glance, this appears to be an obvious thing to include, and it should be easily detected. But in actuality, skilled manipulators are expert in lying in many ways that are not obvious enough to give you forewarning. Sometimes, the most effective way to lie is to state a virtual litany of verifiably true things while deliberately omitting a key piece of information that would shed an entirely different light on things. Manipulators are calculated and selective in their omissions, which allows them to come across as sincere and truthful while fully intending to deceive and take advantage of you. Manipulators will not just lie to you, they'll also lie about you. They'll also subtly encourage others to spread lies about you as well to diminish your standing or to gain some other advantage over you. Lying is, perhaps, one of the most telltale signs of character disturbance. And the severity of someone's character impairment is often most evident in how and why they lie. The most severely disordered characters (e.g. psychopaths, sociopaths) are particularly “pathological” in their lying in that they lie liberally and without compunction, and without any apparent necessity or rationality (i.e. when the truth would easily suffice or would seem of more practical benefit). Rampant lying, for the sole purpose of remaining a step ahead of someone else, should always raise a red flag. You'll want to keep your distance from such folks.
16.4.3 Denial
Now the denial I'm talking about here is the “tactic” of manipulation, impression‐management, and control. Many (professionals are again among the worst offenders, here) mistake it for the ego‐defense mechanism of denial. I give examples of the two radically different types of denial in Character Disturbance.
The defense mechanism of denial is best illustrated in the example of a woman whose husband was working gleefully with her outdoors in their garden when he complained of the heat, seemed to get unsteady, could barely talk, and ended up being taken to the hospital. Not long after he arrives there, the woman is told he's suffered a severe stroke and, while the life support makes it appear he is alive, he is virtually gone. His wife holds his hand and talks to him even though the doctors and nurses tell her he can't listen. And she comes every day and waits for him to awaken, even though she's been told he will never do so. This woman is in a unique psychological state. Her unconscious mind has put her into a state of denial because the reality of circumstances is simply too emotionally painful to bear at the moment. But in time, and with gradual acceptance, her denial mechanisms will break down. And when that happens, the anguish and grief that her mind was trying to keep her from experiencing will gush forth.
The manipulation and responsibility‐evasion tactic of denial is of a very different kind. I illustrate it with the example of Joe, the class bully, who derives satisfaction out of roaming the school halls during class exchanges, and pushing the books out from the arms of unsuspecting students. One day, a hall monitor catches the event and calls him out. “What?” he exclaims, throwing his arms wide open and putting an innocent look on his face. “What are you looking at me for?”, his charade continues. Is this person so riddled with emotional pain that his unconscious won't let him accept what he's done? Does he really think he didn't do anything? Probably not. He probably thinks that if he acts innocent enough he might avoid detention hall. Maybe the hall monitor didn't quite see enough. Maybe if he acts self‐righteous enough, the conscientious monitor will entertain some doubts about what she saw. It's a tactic – a lie – pure and simple. There is likely to come a time when you'll have to confront someone you think has done you wrong. And when you do, he's likely to deny it. You might assume he feels badly about it and is trying to save face. But this is a potentially dangerous assumption. Denial can be tactical as opposed to protective. And some of the most ardent aggressors can be the staunchest deniers when caught. Sometimes just the level of apparent conviction when someone is denying can lead you to doubt yourself. And denial is often even more effective as a tactic when coupled with the following tactics.
16.4.4 Feigning Confusion/Ignorance and Innocence
When you have to confront character‐impaired people with something they've done to injure you, they might pretend they have no idea what you're talking about, act confused, or otherwise imply that their hands are clean. And if they're convincing enough about this, given your own level of conscientiousness, you might end up feeling like the bad guy for even suspecting them. That's why this tactic is so effective. It's always helpful to have your facts straight and your supporting documentation at your fingertips. Still, a staunch manipulator might hold onto a story. You have to be prepared to discount the tactic and set the boundaries and limits you need to protect yourself. Putting your energy into getting them to “fess‐up” is both unnecessary and pointless most of the time.
16.4.5 Playing the Role of Victim
The one thing that disturbed characters know about sensitive, conscientious, “neurotic” people is that they can't stand to see anyone in pain or a position of disadvantage. And the very best way to play on someone's sympathy, and thus manipulate them into doing something they might not otherwise do, is to successfully cast yourself as a victim of some unfortunate circumstance or someone else's behavior. This is an especially good trump card for manipulators to play when someone's on to their games and strongly suspects them as the victimizer. Claiming victim status is a way to turn the tables and take the heat off. This tactic is often coupled with the tactic of feigning innocence, and it's effective because most of us hate to think we're not only falsely accusing but also adding unnecessarily to an already wounded party's pain.
In my books In Sheep's Clothing and Character Disturbance, I outline many of the more common tactics that disturbed characters use to manipulate and control others. It's a good idea to become familiar with as many of these tactics as you can so you can spot them quickly. But it's also important to heighten your awareness about what makes all the disturbed and disordered characters tick