English Jests and Anecdotes, Collected from Various Sources. Various
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a Change, could so readily change a building.”
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S DELICACY OF SCENT.
Sir Roger Williams, who was a Welshman, and had been a tailor, though afterwards a good soldier, preferred a request to Queen Elizabeth: she refused him; but he, another time, moved it again. He had on a pair of new boots, and the Queen could not bear the smell of leather. Stopping him short, she put her hand to her nose, and cried, “Fah, Williams, prithee be gone; for thy boots stink.” “Tut, tut,” answered he; “it is my suit that stinks.”
WIT IN THE ELEVENTH CENTURY.
William the Conqueror being sick, long kept his chamber; whereat the French King scoffing, said, “The King of England lies long in child-bed.” When William heard this, he said, “When I am churched, there shall be a thousand lights in France.” He made good what he said, by wasting the French frontier with fire and sword.
CATHOLIC AND PROTESTANT.
A Catholic asked a Protestant where his religion was before the time of Luther? “Where was your face this morning,” said the Protestant, “before it was washed?”
SELLING LANDS.
A yeoman of Kent selling some lands, the lawyer was puzzled as to the designation which he should have in the deeds. “Say gentleman,” suggested a bystander; “for selling lands is a gentleman’s trade.”
LORD BURLEIGH.
Queen Elizabeth was naturally dilatory enough in suits, and the Lord Treasurer Burleigh, being a wise man, and willing therein to feed her humour, would say to her, “Madam, you do well to let visitors stay; for, you know, bis dat qui cito dat: if you grant them speedily, they will come again the sooner.”
WISE PRECAUTION.
Captain Robert Bacon, revelling at Sir William Paston’s, had his sack served him in a curious Venice glass, very much under the size he used to trade in. So, after a long contemplation of his measure, “Sir William,” said he, “If you value this glass, as I believe you do, tie a good long string to it, to draw it up again; for I am sure I shall swallow it some time or other.”
YOUNG PRIVY-COUNSELLORS.
In the time of James the First, when privy-counsellors multiplied very fast, and were sometimes admitted at a very green age, some one remarked one day that the table would be soon too little to hold them. “Why,” said another, “some must just do like other children, then, and sit on the joint stools without.”
WINKING AT NEGLECT.
As a regiment of soldiers were marching through a country town, the captain (a strict disciplinarian) observed that one of the drums did not beat, and ordered a lieutenant to inquire the reason. The fellow, on being interrogated, whispered to the lieutenant, “I have two ducks and a turkey in my drum, and the turkey is for his honour:” which, being whispered to the captain, “D—n the fellow,” cried the captain, “why did he not say he was lame? I don’t want men to do their duty when they’re not able.”
TRAVELLING POST.
A traveller speaking of the many countries and cities he had seen, one of the company asked him if he had ever been in Cosmography? He, taking it for the name of a city, said, “We saw it at a distance; but, as we went post, we could not visit it.”
CROSS ANSWERS.
A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate: “How do you live?” “Pretty well, sir; generally a joint and pudding at dinner.” “I mean, sir, how do you get your bread?” “I beg your worship’s pardon; sometimes at the baker’s, and sometimes at the chandler’s shop.” “You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, how do you do?” “Tolerably well, I thank your worship: I hope your worship is well.”
CHARLES THE SECOND’S POCKETS.
No prince was more addressed than Charles II., while the very people who sent these generous, nay, extravagant offers, scarcely allowed him the necessary supplies. Killigrew saw this in the proper view, and once gave private orders to the king’s tailor to make one of his majesty’s coat-pockets of a most enormous size, and the other scarcely larger than a thimble. The king being informed that this was done at the desire of Killigrew, asked him the reason. “May it please your majesty,” replied the arch wag, “the large pocket is to receive the addresses of your subjects, and the other is to put the money in, which they intend to present you with.”
SINGULAR MALAPROPOS.
A gentleman sitting in one of the boxes in company with Lord North, not knowing his lordship, entered into conversation with him, and seeing two ladies come into an opposite box, turned to him, and addressed him with, “Pray, sir, can you inform me who is that ugly woman that is just come in?” “O,” replied his lordship, with great good humour, “that is my wife.” “Sir, I ask you ten thousand pardons, I do not mean her, I mean that shocking monster who is along with her.” “That,” replied his lordship, “is my daughter.”
PUNISHMENT OF THEFT.
Lord North who was very much troubled with the gout, one day feeling some symptoms of an approaching fit, ordered his servant to bring him his gouty shoes. The fellow, after looking for them some time in vain, returned, and told his master he believed they were stolen, and as an addenda to the information, muttered a few hearty curses against the thief. “Poh! poh!” said the good-humoured peer, “do not be ill-natured; all the harm I wish the rascal is, that the shoes may fit him.”
CUTTING MISTAKE.
A Frenchman, on landing at Dover, went into a barber’s shop to get shaved. The poor man’s cheeks were so much collapsed, that the barber was under the necessity of thrusting his fingers into his customer’s mouth to assist the operation. “O mon Dieu, mon Dieu!” exclaimed the Frenchman, whilst the barber was dashing away, “me be damnably cut.” “Confound your thin lanthorn jaws,” replied Strop, “I have cut my fingers cursedly through your cheek.”
DO THAT IF YOU CAN.
In the great Dutch war, in the reign of Charles II., the English fleet and that of Holland fought in the Channel for three days successively; engaging in the day, and lying-to at night. But, just as they were preparing to renew the action, advice came off that an armistice had been concluded, and the hostile parties began to exercise mutual civilities. On board a Dutch man of war, which lay alongside of an English first-rate, was a sailor so remarkably active, as to run to the mast head and stand upright upon the truck, after which he cut several capers, and concluded with standing on his head, to the great astonishment and terror of the spectators. On coming down from his exploit, all his countrymen expressed their joy by huzzahing, and thereby signifying their triumph over the English. One of the British tars, piqued for the honour of his country, ran up to the top like a cat, and essayed, with all his might, to throw up his heels as the Dutchman had done; but, not having the skill, he missed his poise, and came down rather faster than he went up. The rigging, however broke his fall, and he lighted on his feet unhurt. As soon as he had recovered his speech, he ran to the side, and exultingly cried out to the Dutchmen, “There, d—n your eyes, do that if you can.”
PUN UPON PUN.
Strange, Moore, and Wright, three notorious punsters, were on a certain occasion dining together, when Moore observed, “There is but one knave among us, and that’s Strange.” “Oh no,” said Wright, “there is one Moore.” “Ay,” said Strange, “that’s Wright.”
CAT O’ NINE TAILS.
The captain of one of the British frigates, a man of undaunted bravery, had a natural antipathy to a cat. A sailor who, from misconduct, had been ordered a flogging, saved his back by presenting to his captain the following petition:—
By your honour’s command
A culprit I stand—
An example to