English Jests and Anecdotes, Collected from Various Sources. Various
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A cat I am told,
In abhorrence you hold:
Your honour’s aversion is mine!—
If a cat with one tail
Makes your stout heart to fail,
O, save me from one that has nine!
PUNCTILIO.
The students at Oxford stand much upon punctilio in the matter of making acquaintance; insomuch that one will not hold the least intercourse with another, unless the proper formula of introduction has been gone through. It is told, as a quiz upon them for this peculiarity, that a young gentleman, who had recently entered one of the colleges, happening to be seized with cramp while bathing in the Isis, and being on the point of sinking, probably to rise no more, a youth of older standing, who leant over a bridge near the scene, thus soliloquized:—“Good God! what a pity I was not introduced to that fresh-man—perhaps I might have saved him.”
MAKING FREE.
Some time ago, a member of Parliament applied to the post-office to know why some of his franks had been charged. The answer was: “We supposed, sir, they were not of your writing; the hand is not the same.” “Why, not precisely the same; but the truth is, I happened to be a little tipsy when I wrote them.” “Then, sir, will you be so good, in future, to write ‘drunk’ when you make free.”
HENRIETTA MARIA.
Henrietta, queen of Charles I., when pregnant of her first child, longed very much for some cheese. An attendant expressed surprise at her majesty having an appetite for such coarse meat, and remarked that if the Welshmen heard of it they would take it as a high compliment. “Oh,” said the queen, “content yourself; what do you know but the Prince of Wales may long for it.”
A TRUE JOE MILLER.
In the time of Joe Miller there was an old deaf player of the name of Cross, who, being very vain, took every pains to conceal his infirmity. Joe, walking along Fleet Street with a friend, saw Cross on the opposite side, and told his acquaintance he should see some fine sport. So beckoning to Cross with his finger, he opened his mouth wide, and began to assume the attitude and gestures of one who bawls very loud to a distant object. Cross, thinking that Miller had hallooed to him, and taking that as too broad a signification of his infirmity, came puffing across the street as hard as he could, and “What the devil,” cried he to Joe, “do you make such a noise for? do you think one cannot hear?”
CHARLES MATTHEWS.
Matthews being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man’s profession was to be that of an architect), “Why,” answered the comedian, “he is going to draw houses like his father.”
GENEALOGY.
James the First, when he came from Scotland to England, stopped at Lumley Castle, which contained some curious portraits of the ancestors of the Lumleys in the habits of their several times. These were shewn to the king, together with a genealogical tree of the ancient pedigree of the family, carrying it far beyond what his majesty thought credible; upon which, he said to the Bishop of Durham, who shewed it, that he “did not know before that Adam’s surname was Lumley?”
STOCKS LOW.
A wag passing through a country town in the north, observed a fellow placed in the stocks,—“My friend,” said he, “I advise you by all means to sell out.” “I should have no objection, your honour,” he replied drily, “but at present they seem much too low.”
HISTORICAL DOUBTS.
An auctioneer, at a sale of antiquities, put up a helmet, with the following candid observation:—“This, ladies and gentlemen, is a helmet of Romulus, the Roman Founder; but whether he was a brass or iron founder, I cannot tell.”
FEMALE CONSTANCY.
It was a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who, being asked where her husband was, when he lay concealed for being deeply concerned in a conspiracy, resolutely answered, “She had hid him.” This confession drew her before the king, who told her, nothing but her discovering where her lord was concealed, could save her from the torture. “And will that do?” said the lady. “Yes,” replied the king, “I give you my word for it.” “Then,” answered she, “I have hid him in my heart, where you’ll find him.” Which answer so charmed the king that he granted a free pardon to both the husband and wife.
BOND TO THE DEVIL.
Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First’s judges, died a day or two before Cromwell; and it was strongly reported everywhere that the Protector was dead. “No,” said a gentleman, who knew better, “he has only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance.”
HANGING FOR FASHION’S SAKE.
Lord Mansfield, being willing to save a man who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor cried out, “Tenpence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five pounds!” “Oh,” said his lordship, “We must not hang a man for fashion’s sake.”
TIME ENOUGH.
An officer in the fleet of Earl St. Vincent, asked one of the captains, who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, “Whether he had reckoned the number of the enemy?” “No,” replied the latter, “it will be time enough to do that when we have made them strike!”
POSTS AND RAILING.
Mr. Pitt was forming a park about Walmer Castle, thinking to enclose it with posts and rails. As he was one day calculating the expense, a gentleman stood by, and told him that he did not go the cheapest way to work. “Why?” said the Premier. “Because,” replied the gentleman, “if you will find posts the country will find railing.”
SUPERFICIAL KNOWLEDGE.
A young man, in a large company, descanting very flippantly on a subject, his knowledge of which was evidently very superficial, the Duchess of Devonshire asked his name. “’Tis Scarlet,” replied a gentleman who stood by. “That may be,” said her grace, “and yet he is not deep read.”
JAMES THE FIRST.
King James the First gave all manner of liberty and encouragement to the exercise of buffoonery, and he took great delight in it himself. Happening once to bear somewhat hard on one of his Scotch courtiers, “By my soul,” retorted the peer, “he that made your majesty a king, spoiled the best fool in Christendom!”
PRECEDENCY AT THE GALLOWS.
Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn together, said the former, “That is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret.” “You fool!” replied Garret, “don’t you know there must be Chambers first.”
THE LEAST EVIL.
One asked his friend, why he married so little a wife? “Why,” said he, “I thought you had known that of all evils we should choose the least.”
MANFUL ASSISTANCE.
The master of a ship, walking about on deck, called into the hold, “Who is there?” A boy answered, “Will, sir.” “What are you doing?” “Nothing, sir,” “Is Tom there!” “Yes,” cried Tom. “What are you doing, Tom?” “Helping Will, sir!”
GOOD ADVICE.
A forward young scholar wishing to appear in the pulpit, consulted an older preacher as to what text he should choose. The latter, wishing him well, and knowing he was too young, suggested this text,—“Go to Jericho till your beard be grown.” The scholar, it is said, took the sage’s advice, and waiting a few years, proved eventually an excellent preacher.
“I WISH I COULD.”
A gentleman, travelling in a long lane, where his horse could hardly get through the mire, met a peasant, of whom he